Emptiness

I think it would do you some good to try and make some LGBT friends. Are you in an area where there is a reasonable LGBT support system/community? Going to LGBT meetups centred around activities might be a good start. This could help you in many ways, but especially in feeling less alone, learning that there are others out there struggling and just generally making friends. It could also help you feel more comfortable in your gay identity.

Also, I suggest going to a therapist. It can help you start to address some of the shame you have been feeling through your life.

Big hugs (*hug*) I think you posted in the right place, this is a great forum for coming to terms with your sexuality late in life.

 

OK This sounds like it may make no sense at all, but it works for me. I don't care who I talk to when I am out. I am not looking for anything romantic or sexual anyway. But, I just talk to everybody I can. It is wonderful practice and sometimes someone else, who may be a potential "interest" for you, may join in. Because, frankly, a lot of people feel like we do.

The trick is to not expect anything. When you do that, you cannot help but win! Don't head out on the town, or to the gym, or a biking group or whatever as a gay guy. Just as yourself! You may end up talking to some old fart or a housewife. But, they may have a son or a nephew! The worst that can happen is you make a friend or learn something about yourself as you interact.

 

Brilliant. I love this! Yes! Also, I would look for a good therapist to assist you in processing all this. I think talking it out in that forum would benefit you greatly.

 

What do you want?

I know what you don't want, to be alone and empty and mope around, though I have no idea what you want in their place. baristajedi offered some excellent suggestions on how to engage with the LGBT community, and I got the sense that they made you yawn. So what is it that will get you jazzed and excited about getting up in the morning?

 

A cooking class is a great start. You may be doing it by yourself, but maybe you'll meet some new people there. What other interests do you have? Can you see if there are other people in your area that like similar things? Meetup.com is a great place to start. And if for some reason that group of people doesn't work out, try another.

I like that you're taking active steps to at least try to meet new people (i.e. the sports league and the cooking class).

 

Hi thekspot,

You don't list your location or your out status in your EC profile. I'm going to assume that you live in a reasonably large and LGBT-accepting metropolitan area and that you are looking to not be lonely and eventually meet a BF. If these are bad assumptions, please let me know.

It's essential that you start engaging with the LGBT community and build a network of gay friends if you want to overcome your loneliness. This takes time but it's how you become less lonely and meet someone special. It may take time to find the right subgroup in the LGBT community. You tried a gay sports league and it didn't resonate with you. That's OK. You simply need to try a different group until you find one that clicks. What else do you enjoy doing? Try to find an LGBT meetup around that activity. Assuming that you live in a reasonable large metropolitan area, you should be able to find a gay cooking class where you can meet other gay guys. It's OK to go alone. You'll meet friends there, but you'll have to introduce yourself to the other guys. Everyone who is there wants to meet other guys, so there's nothing to be nervous about.

Maybe once you gain the confidence of finding a group that you click with, you can go back to the gay sports league if you really enjoy sports.

Are you out? Do you still feel internalized homophobia / shame?

If you are very nervous, it's possible that an anxiety medication may help you. It's definitely worth going back to a psychiatrist to find out for sure. I'd also try to find a gay therapist to help you come out of your shell.

PS - You still didn't answer the question of what do you want. I made some assumptions (not be lonely and find a BF), but I'm going to continue to press you for an answer. I seem to have a reputation for not beating around the bush

 

Hi thekspot

Your loneliness resonates with me. Although, I was a bit younger. My break came when I took a rock climbing class and started meeting other climbers. It is an activity that does require a partner. It may not be a good way to meet a another gay guy to develop a relationship. But, it did allow me to have something where I had to engage with others and that ability was something I lacked.

More importantly though it taught me an important life lesson. As a climber, it is necessary that you concentrate on the move you are on. Thinking of the difficulties ahead or dwelling on near misses behind you will cause you to fall. When I am anxious, I try and get my head in the same zone with general life issues.

It is possible you are looking too far ahead or fearing past failures. Neither will get you out the door and into the arms of a dude!

 

Hi thekspot,

I get the lonliness feeling. I'm kind of a loner by nature but that doesn't mean I'm lonely. Even loners need to engage with others from time to time.

How about a passive gay experience? In order to be a part of the gay tribe so to speak maybe just hangout in a gay bar. I recently went to one while traveling for work so I didn't really know anyone. I sat at the bar made a little small talk with guys next to me now and then but most of the time just observed and felt at home in the space. Just a passive gay experience. Maybe go to a LGBT festival or music event etc. Just go for a short time; no need to engage one on one if you don't want.

 

You speak that you have a little bit of homophobia in you. One of the things you're going to have to work on is acceptance of yourself.

Have you considered trying some of the gay dating apps? Other than having your picture on the chat, you live behind a screen name. You can get to know someone very well by chatting with them. You might eventually find someone that just "knocks your socks off". With the use of a screen name, you can really open up and be yourself, you don't have to hide emotions. It's kind of like writing in this forum, it's easy to open up to strangers because they don't know who you are. When you actually meet someone that really garners your attention, you can take a chance meeting.

Sometimes, it just takes a crush to get your blood really pumping and get that loving feeling going. It may help you to understand yourself a little more.

 

I think that you need to continue to get out there are meet people through meetups, apps/sites, and clubs/bars. I'm pretty shy by nature, so I have to force myself to be more outgoing at these events. Why do you think that you aren't clicking and meeting friends? Do you take the initiative to invite guys you find interesting out for friendship activities?

Based on what you wrote about your family and culture not accepting you, should I infer that you are not from a Western culture? If so, do you feel that it makes it harder to make gay friends?

Regarding the internationalized homophobia / shame, can you be more specific about how this impacts you? Given that you are openly gay it probably has subtle effects and holds you back in not so obvious ways.

Oh yeah, what do you want? I think your answer was a nice social circle of friends.

 

thekspot, I can relate to how you are feeling as I often feel very empty too and I know my family would be disappointed if I ever come out to them in the future. My sexuality is definitely an important contributor to the emptiness and isolation I feel but I am fairly certain there are other things at work too (genetic makeups and a rather unhealthy family environment when I was younger).

I don't know about your specific situation and I doubt it will be helpful even if you know exactly why you feel how you feel. Just try very hard to broaden your social circles and seek professional help if needed (I think you are doing both already but you can always try a little harder ). I would also suggest adopting a pet if your living condition allows for it. (I've been volunteering at a local animal shelter for a couple years and it's the best decision I have made in my life.)

 

Friendships usually start with a mutual interest of some sort. I am no expert at this...I just started going to bars (at well past 50 years) recently to do some flirting and socializing since my usual way to meet friends does not work so well these days due to some health issues. The bar scene is a really difficult way to create a bond with people although it can be a fun way to practice one's social skills.

Before the recent bar hopping, I made most of my friends through my activities...skiing climbing biking...things very important to me. It was those interests that created an almost instantaneous bond. While I am not, at all, one of those people that are at ease in a typical social setting such as a bar or a party, I have done really well making friends during one of these activities...or talking about one of these activities.

The question I would ask is this. What activities would you want to share with a friend or a lover? If you know this answer, then maybe participation in that activity in a social setting may give you the best opportunity to meet someone compatible. If you don't know this answer, then you may need to think a bit about what it is you are really seeking in a friendship or lover. Someone else will not, cannot, define it for you.

 

I agree with Nickw that the best way to meet other guys is through common interests (even if that interest is being a single gay man). If you find a few LGBT meetups or groups (there are many around Toronto) and go on a regular basis and make an effort to talk to the guys, you will start making friends. You need to be outgoing and once you find potential friends invite them to 1-1 activities outside the meetup. If you passively wait that could be part of the problem. I think it's important to start with several (some that are activity based (such as sports) and some that are networking (gay single men or gay professionals)) to get a mix.

I find it hard to meet guys at gay bars unless it's quiet enough to have a conversation. If there's loud music, it's not a good scene for meeting guys. At least for me.

I think hookup/dating sites are a fun way to chat and meet guys. You have to be outgoing and chat with a bunch of guys and then ask them to meet in real life. While we're on this topic, how's your sex life? How often do you hookup with guys? Another parallel approach would be to look for a FWB. Many of the partnered guys I know met via hookups/CL so it's a viable way of meeting guys.

It's a numbers game, so I think you need to explore all these options in parallel to achieve a synergistic effect.

As for disappointing the family, I can relate. I came from a conservative area where gay wasn't even on the menu. It was never talked about. Here's a recent thread about healing the shame. I made some suggestions in post #4. Given that you are out, some of the items are N/A for you, but maybe you can find a gem or two. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/209529-internalised-homophobia.html

One technique that has proven to be effective on EC is for people to create an action plan and then post regular updates and share their experiences. People then comment and give you input. I think that might help you get unstuck really quickly.

HTH,
Your friend on EC