So I'm heading home for a couple of weeks and I don't want to stall the things I want to do during that time. One of the things I finally talked myself into/got up the courage to do is going to a lesbian bar. I don't think I'll have the chance to go to a bar here in my current city before I go home. So I'm going to do it while I'm back home, and then keep it going when I come back to my current city. I don't want to wait anymore to put myself out there, this is not for a hookup or something, just to be in that environment, flirt a bit, get more comfortable being around lesbians and around women being affectionate. Here's the awkward part. I'm friends with s lot of gay and gay-friendly people back home. Not current enough in our friendship for any of them to know what's going on in my life, just enough for them to know me as a married straight girl. I just *know* I'm going to run into someone I know. And it's going to be awkward. And you know what, f*** it. I'm tired of standing still, I'm going to do this.
Girl, lots of straight people go to gay bars. It's really not an indicator of anything, and if you see people you know there, I'm sure you'll wonder about them just as much as they wonder about you.
I know, I used to be one of those "straight girls", or at least that's how I identified. But I'm going to be alone, not with a friend/s and I am planning to actively engage with people there. I don't want to be a wallflower, I want to flirt and talk women up. I don't think I'll look like a straight girl. (And in case you're wondering, I don't have any friends I'd be comfortable asking to come along. Honestly, I don't care. I'm ok with it getting out that I'm not straight...the only really negative encounter might be an old colleague of my husband, but I don't think the chances of running into any of his colleagues who recognise me are high).
It's awkward because you still feel internalized homophobia / shame. For several months I dreaded bumping into people that I know at gay events because it would be awkward. It was awkward for me because I wasn't fully comfortable as a gay man. Now I think it's the coolest thing when I run into people I know, especially if I didn't know they were gay. Of course you know what I'm going to say next. Best to go and confront this fear. Be sure to have a prepared script of what you are going to say to make it less awkward. You may even walk away from the conversation a little more accepting of yourself as more of your past knows your secret.
This is spot-on. I still have that shame and that fear of exposing this side of myself. I'd add to that just a bit of awkwardness thst it makes some kind of statement (or at the least, a question mark) about my marriage status. But it's mostly about me and who I am. I'm the most nervous about running into my closest old friends, I'm imagining so many thoughts/judgments passing through their heads. I'm embarrassed to encounter one of my gay former best friends and him thinking, why were you never comfortable with yourself enough to be out until now. But, I'm actually looking forward to confronting my fear and insecurities. I'm nervous, feeling weird about it, but kind of eager too, to put myself in s bit of an uncomfortable spot, and to be true to me and just say, this is me. A script is a great idea. Hmm, I'll have to think about what I would even say.
Don't stress it. You'll be fine. Hell, I don't think I'd be comfortable going to a gay or straight bar alone, so you're already ahead of me.
I don't think there's any way I could go to a gay bar other than alone, so I just have to suck it up. I have some close friends back home and in my current city but they are parents (getting out to a bar is not easy) and they know my husband really well too, it just wouldn't make sense to ask them to come along, so... there you go. I'm just going to have a bit of liquid courage immediately upon entry. What am I going to wear? I'm such a mom, do I even have cute clothes? This is a good nervous, like a first date nervous, like I want to do it, I'm eager, but feeling vulnerable and slightly unsure of myself.
I would have no problem going to an event alone but a bar I just never felt comfortable in. I'm not a drinker. I looked too much like a straight lawyer or something. It was actually more awkward for me. I felt out of place. I was only 26 when I came out but I was in a professional career time of my life. I probably looked like a nerd. One time I went to a bar every night after work for a week and some really butch girl actually came up to me and asked me if I had anything in my wardrobe more casual. I said not really....I just got off work. She said I looked like a politician. I don't think she realized what those clothes cost. Anyways I freaked out and never went back. She was trying to be social and helpful but it was my first month on the gay scene and I felt so out of place. So when she confronted me I shrank back into the closet for a bit. I was young and still unsure of myself. I was too scared to flirt. Now I would have no problem bantering with some girl about my straight clothes. If fact I would probably look forward to it. Needless to say I quickly went out and bought some more relaxed attire. But I always still leaned more toward the conservative side. My wife said she was attracted to my conservative appearance. I met her on line and she said she liked the fact that I had " recently divorced from a man" in my bio because she said she thought I would look and act more normal. So I'm glad I didn't change who I was too much.
You know that everybody has their own timeframe for coming out, so why do you care what they think? And if they think unkindly of you, then maybe that aren't best friend material after all? Now if you get teased in good fun, play along and have fun with it. As for your script, maybe you can start with the meetup script? I remember sending you a starting point either as a post or PM.
I totally understand the way you felt then, having just come out and bring in your 20s. Your story also inspires me to just be comfortable, no matter what , just be me. Thats the best way to approach this, in terms of clothes, conversation, everything. ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2016 at 07:13 PM ---------- You're right, I know that on a conscious level, that we all have our own paths, and that its all about accepting myself, but it's the unconscious insecurities that create that awkward feeling. I just have to keep reminding myself of the things you're saying. And the script - you're right, that script could work, or a version of it to account for the relationship with who ever I run into. I'm starting to feel less nervous just writing about it. What's the worst that can happen? St worst it will be awkward, at best, it will be a really fun night. ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2016 at 07:39 PM ---------- You know what - I'm starting to think my script might be bolder, if I have a drink or two I can see myself saying it... "Hey so and so" "hey...so are you here with friends or...?" "No, just on my own. Actually, I just started coming out of the closet recently, and I guess I just felt like getting out and meeting women." Ha, I have no idea whether I'll be that bold but that's what I'm aiming for right now. Doesn't matter though. I'm going to come up with several ways of saying it, so that it will feel comfortable in the moment.
Now I'm picturing one of my old friends going through all sorts of dramatic facial expressions, and it's fairly awesome imagining it. I can do this.
Regarding the script, it's up to you to figure out what you are comfortable telling people. It's your life, and you are the boss. You need to own it.
(*hug*) Thanks! I PMed you. Hope you're doing ok. ---------- Post added 11th Apr 2016 at 06:30 AM ---------- Yes, you're absolutely right. I think what I'm comfortable with depends on the person I'm talking to. If it's one of my closer old friends, I will be more comfortable sharing more, but others I might just kind of give a cursory idea about things. I think the main goal I have is to feel like my story is something I'm proud of, and I don't want insecurity or shame to be the thing that keeps me from sharing something. I want to have a few different scripts that I plan out and then I'm just going to try to be myself.
Yay! I just met up with a new friend (whom I met in an LGBT meetup), and she suggested going to a gay bar together. Timing couldn't be better. So after I go to one in my hometown, I will have a friend to go with here in my current city. I kind of like the idea that the first time I go I'll be pushing myself a bit to go out on my own in my hometown, that I'm also putting myself in the uncomfortable position of running into people I know. It's a good growth experience. But it will be fun to have a friend for these things in the future.
