For the first 39 years of my life I really didn't understand that I was gay. Now I do. I have a long history of worrying about coming off as creepy, and I've been somewhat relieved to see others here saying that too. For me, I think it's related to me feeling attracted to women, not not really understanding that that's what was happening, but understanding/feeling that I was different in a way that might make other people uncomfortable. Once I figured out I was gay it helped me feel less creepy--it feels better to think "I'm gay and that might make other people uncomfortable" rather than some version of "something about me that I don't understand might make other people uncomfortable. Can anyone relate? Dies Does anyone have more insights into this?
I'm a bit confused about what you mean as creepy. At first I thought you meant it in the way someone who is leering after others in some lecherous way but then it sounds like you're worried being gay itself will be perceived as creepy like being a slimy, wart-covered mutant lizard might be. Is it one of these?
I can certainly relate as well. Although I am still working through my sexuality, I have often thought that deep down something is wrong with me - like I am some sort of deviant pervert. I am working on knowing that is because of the deep shame I have carried around for much of my life. However, I can say it takes a while to effectively work through these negative feelings about oneself. I wish you all the best!
Oh wait I misunderstood. I don't think being a lesbian is creepy in and of itself. I worry about straight women feeling like I'm objectifying them. Which I totally am. I don't like it because I can't seem to control it and I've always had a sisterhood thing going with women before I realized I was so gay.
Uh, what I mean is more like worrying that I'll accidentally look at a woman too long and creep her out. I have this memory of being alone in a very small room with a straight woman (before I understood that I was gay) and REALLY wanting to look at her neck. I just wanted to stare at it. And the dialog in my head was something like this "WHY THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO LOOK AT HER NECK, THAT IS SO F!$&@=# WEIRD. DO NOT LOOK AT HER NECK." I was supposed to be teaching her how to use a piece of equipment and could barely think because of all of the yelling in my head. I got really anxious and distracted and wanted the hell out. Seriously, my breathing wasn't normal because I was so anxious. My go-to in these situations basically been to avoid the helll out of people who I reacted to like this. I thought it was some kind of wierd social anxiety. I now understand that I've been seriously avoiding women I'm attracted to. I don't talk to them or look at them. And all along I've felt like this is the only way I can avoid creeping people out with my wierdness. So now if I want to date people I'm attracted to, I can't keep doing this. But I'm terrified of doing anything other than what I have been doing. ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2016 at 11:20 PM ---------- Also, since I've figured out that I'm gay, I have allowed myself to look just a tiny bit when I'm in public and a woman is far away and not facing me. And damn. I want to look MORE. It does actually all feel less pathological to me now--I much prefer thinking "I'm gay" over "what the fuck is wrong with you, stop being so weird, "'but I have a lifetime of thinking of feeling attraction to women as something BAD to be suppressed as much as possible.
Well staring at them for long periods may make them think you are a little creepy so Id avoid that :lol: but staring for a "little" bit seems ok, esp if you are attracted to them. I think thats normal for most people. I also felt sometimes like being attracted to the same sex was something that was not normal and bad. Mostly because I was raised that it was that way. In truth its not. We are the way we are because we were born that way. Good thing is that society is making it easier for people who are gay, trans, bi, whatever the case, can feel more comfortable and more accepted. Good luck and welcome to EC! (!)
I don't think you need to worry that looking is creepy. We're just learning how to appreciate the women around us and you are so right, necks are great! (I thought it was just me. ) You're not being weird and nobody is going to feel you're being creepy. I think we exaggerate things in our head. It doesn't match what's actually going on. It seems it's the looking that signifies to other women that you are interested anyway. Got to let them know somehow.
Thaaaaaat was hilarious. Wait, guys. I like necks too! Especially down to the collar bone. Not on guys though... don't even care about their necks. Weird. Well, I don't know now. Must find a hot dude and look at his neck. ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2016 at 11:02 PM ---------- Woof.
I get this... I am pretty sure I'm a bit of a creepy starer at times and I've been stopping it. I look back at myself a few months ago and feel like I must have freaked out my friends... makes me feel like a real awful freako.
:icon_bigg Me too! Actually, interesting thing: I used to be very creeped out by guys, I thought it was so slimy the way they objectify women. Because I thought I had to be the target for their slimyness. But, um. I always "got" the objectification, inside myself I was always nodding in agreement like "Yeeeeeaaah"... Now that I know I'm not required to be available to men, I stare at women.... a lot :icon_bigg But the creep thing... yes, big time. I've always felt like a creep. I still act out of that belief. I want my friends to know I'm gay, but when I'm near them that desire is inside a nailed-shut coffin buried a 1000 meters underground. And when I meet a lesbian / queer person, I tense up and avoid them so they don't pay too much attention to me and don't pick up any "shameful vibes" coming from me. That looks so terrible in writing :icon_sad: But I think it will get better in time!
I also hate that there is tremendous pressure to perpetrate this fiction that the wwlw (women who love women) gaze is somehow non-existent or somehow softer and more feminine than the male gaze. In my (shocked, irritated, confused, horrified) experience, it isn't. It is simply more RARE because there are fewer of us. I want to lick the necks of strangers. I want to cup the boobs. I want to stroke the thighs. I want to approach, crowd in, to take no prisoners. I'm such a DUDE about women, and that starts--for me--with the gaze. I think that the real difference is in what we feel entitled to and what we DO about it. I don't feel entitled to those thoughts becoming real simply because I want them. I won't hey baby a straight woman or leer, or anything. But I will look.
Oh I like this post I didn't read through all the comments, sort of got stuck on a picture of RR and scrolled to the bottom... Cause Supposed to be being productive today... But I actually spent a long time thinking about this today. As a bisexual... Like 95% toward women... but somehow ended up with a man lol. So not only don't people expect me to hit on them but I really don't socialize too much with certain people because i come off as very gay once you get to know me... And people mostly I guess that I'm just like that...but not actually attracted to women... So it's this whole big confusing creepy thing where people are about as unsuspecting as they could be and totally thrown and possibly creeped out .. (My guy is A tall skinny man with good muscle tone & long hair... Don't get me wrong he's plenty manly but of the two of us... I'm the creepy one... And we are hilarious because we have similar enough taste in women... Not that I'm narcissistic but it's a general type and I don't always fit it... Last night conversation fell into something along the lines of how much more likely I was to ___ a woman than he was... At least before we were together... Examples to follow ) anyway it's awkward creepy... I used to work somewhere I'm the middle of the night where the girls came in after the bars let out and I have fabulous 'gaydar' if you will and I get what you're saying, sometimes it's the creepy objective way I stare at them or maybe the way I kind of have to find a way to touch them or compliment them on something subtle... I found that type of situation better than as a teenager checking out girls you know... Which honestly was usually done with the boys...so no one really noticed... and people coming by at night looking for me at work was usually alright and my boss was super amused, she would laugh and tell me my friends were here when certain groups of ladies would swing in...which may or may not have been good but it was innocent enough. That's safe flirting because what are you going to do, you're at work... Granted I kissed people on the clock in view of all sorts of people and security cameras at that job I think they really liked me because apparently I could do no wrong... But now anything I do is kind of wishful thinking... Which makes me the creepy grab ass husband... Seriously there are contexts when it's ok but really I'm very nice not at all creepy, unless I think you're stunning & I might have a chance with you and then I stare... Awkward conversation and my partner faux holds me back laughing our kids don't need more parents... A good sport... I guess... Comments like can't we just keep her for an hour are super objective and possibly why I 'can't be trusted' (I'm very trustworthy... But I'm open about things like who I find attractive which isn't super common place so we joke) Totally... Get... This... It's like when you feel like you're kind of on a stage and you don't know your lines and then you picture the audience in their underwear but then they have the most perfect ... And it... Just...makes it worse... Hang in there... Awkward is ok and I think it's cute... But I also agree with the above poster... Ive never thought I was entitled to anything and I never have come out with hey sweet heart wanna duck out of here my cars out back..... I'm all for looking... I like to look at pretty things... But for me it's also so much the way she moves, the sound of her voice. The way her mouth curves when she looks sad and the way her hair is done because it's not how sexy she has it thrown up but there's a subtlety to how much effort someone puts into their appearance and if you hit just that right point you get like ten extra points... So a lot of my starring really is objectifying and narrowing down things I personally want and I don't know how ok that is... Some women are perfect and I'm sure they get it all the time. Oddly in my leering experience... Being leered at that is... 1. Men can be hella creepy... Grab ass perverts... Not that women can't but men are on the receiving end less... Cause straight women that leer are few and far between. Men are also often bigger than women and as such it can be creepy to be cornered in a store at night and asked personal questions. For me usually they took it alright... Once my guy got in a bit of a shouting match with a few guys who maybe should have just gone home. There was a lot of oh it's harmless take a joke but they were being inappropriate and it wasn't ok. Luckily he's also my bestie so seriously basically stalks me and keeps those guys off. Anyway... That's not to say women aren't strong and minorly concerning sometimes but it seems there are more men really not getting the boundrys think. 2. When I go out in a pair of baggy pants and a flannel shirt with my hair a mess and an old pair of glasses on... Im fairly likely to have at least one chick check me out, where in zero guys seem to be into that. Which I find interesting and granted I'm fairly certain I didn't own any 'girls clothes' that a gypsy wouldn't wearuntil like 8ish years ago... And I'm Wicked confident so maybe it's the 'boy' thing... But personally I like long hair and a little leg showing... Anyway... My point being women might be into something men aren't and some girls go out all dressed down trying not to be objectified and them find women staring at them and think well I must be a mess people are staring... Just a thought... 3. Looking at people let's them know you see them and then if they want they can come talk to you and decide if they want your hands on them in a completely consensual way that is in no way creepy or unwanted... But look away if they look mad... Or their boyfriend looks mad... No good can come of this Hehe... Excellent post... I'm going to go read the comments I missed lol ---------- Post added 14th Apr 2016 at 03:13 PM ---------- Oh i get the neck thing. One time when we were teenagers like 15/16 I was up on a top bunk with this very pretty blond girl who just had the most perfect curve in her neck and her collar bone just... Straight girl mind you and people didn't know I was into girls cause what with the internalizing and repression and being a teenager at church camp... But I told her her neck was just so pretty I wanted to I don't know like bite it... And she was like oh do it. Bite my neck... Seriously. So I did... Fairly hard too, left a right good mark and kind of a hicky... Pretty sure she knew why I wanted to do it but she took it as a compliment... Some teenagers are interesting... That said that could have gone a completely other direction and I could be telling you about my glorious black eye... So yea I get the creepy thing... Cause I say weird stuff like that... Since forever... And also I get the neck thing... And I think a lot of people do... Cause once I showed up for work with a big bruise on my neck and the people I was working with that day all had them, only one was my fault and we looked really suspicious like we were all up to something before our shift and we had to work with the public a little that day... Was a hilarious day filled with hilarious explanations about how yes we know... And so on... Necks are nice... And I get awkward talking and start laughing and looking away like really suspiciously and I leave when I get like you explained with the nervous what's wrong with me moments... It is easier knowing why but sometimes just easier to leave the room for a few. Some days I'm wicked cranky and just want to pounce on someone so those are stay home days... Cause I'm kinda a boy with women and I'm a lady to my husband so it's really funny how things work, like personality aspects... And I think that affects how you view people... Like I don't leer at men at all... I can't even think of a male celebrity I find attractive... It's just funny how when there's something you like and you see it sometimes you're not sure how to respond to it. And that's alright.
