Hello ECer's, Hope this finds you well. Ok, so I moved out in January and still find myself confused as to whether or not I am making a mistake and should be back with my wife. I fought for over three years in our marriage with anxiety, OCD, etc. I had peaceful moments too, but the mental issues would not relent, so I decided to move out. I have been on a few dates, but find myself extremely guilty post date and all I can think about is my wife. I do have fun on the actual date, its just the next day is very difficult. Also, my wife has been very supportive, but she is running out of steam as well. She wants to keep fighting for the marriage, but it is hard for her to be around me at times. This is mostly due to the fact we get along very well. In fact, we just spent a week in Mexico with our kids and had a peaceful time. Maybe that is what is making it so damn hard? We love each other and get along well. It kills me when she has to distance herself from me. Well, this continues to be a tough journey, but I want the best for me, my family, and my wife. Long-term is what I am trying to concentrate on - what will be best a few years from now and not what is best right now. Going back into the closet has crossed my mind, but I don't think that is really possible. Please share any advice or stories if you have the time. Thank you all! Peace.
Hey Ryan, I have no answers for you but I can empathize completely. I feel like there are some of us who struggle with this more than most. I have a loving relationship with my wife and my gay feelings often feel like they are alien or come from some other part of me. I understand about dissociation and maybe that's the case with me. But it still seems terrible to destroy a perfectly good relationship in order to go digging up some hidden part of myself that I never wanted in the first place. Anyway, sorry for the rant. Keep posting.
Hi Ryan, I'm right there with you. I haven't and probably won't move out. It is SO HARD because I love my wife and she loves me. I'm trying to go back into the closet and have for the most part. The struggle is real, brother...
Ryan - Have you and your wife discussed, in detail, what your marriage would be like going forward? For example, do you anticipate going fully back into the closet? Prior to your separation, how did your sexuality impact your marriage and your ability to feel fulfilled and satisfied? What about your wife's ability to feel fulfilled and satisfied?
Ryan, I'm Kinsey 5 and identify as gay. I've been out for several months now (and out to my wife and family longer than that). I've never been happier or more content because I'm living my life authentically. I certainly had doubts in the beginning as to the right course, but given the pain that I experienced living inauthentically (anxiety and depression) I decided there was no turning back for me. I seized the day as a gay man and joined support groups and meetups and engaged with the LGBT community fully. The following threads demonstrate what's possible once you work through it. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/208943-buidling-life-gay-dad.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/209808-graduating-ec.html Assuming that you identify as gay, why would you want to stay married and continue to live an inauthentic life? Why not grab your gay life by the balls, so to speak (!)
I think the key phrase here is "assuming you identify as gay." Is that the case for you, Ryan? It seems so based on your profile. If you do feel certain that you are gay, then it's time to treat it as a fact of life and start making decisions accordingly. You'll never have a fully satisfying marriage with a woman; you should accept that. So trying to extend your marriage is, in effect, going back into the closet -- which you rightly are determined not to do. You should begin planning to end the marriage as gracefully and cleanly as possibly, doing everything you can to maintain a positive relationship. However, if you still feel uncertain about your sexuality, it may be more difficult to take decisive action. This is the murky realm in which I find myself. So my point is that the key issue is establishing certainty about your orientation. If you're gay, the path forward is very clear, difficult as it may be.
In America in 2016, no one can force us back in the closet without our consent. Once we acknowledge to ourselves that we are gay, we have the power to choose to come out and be liberated OR capitulate to forces real or imagined and stay in the closet. I'd like for Ryan to respond to my post based on the particulars of his situation.
Do you think that perhaps the reason that you feel you may have made a mistake is that life isn't currently as amazing as you had hoped it would be? I'm sure before you decided to move out, you spent a lot of time weighing up the pros and cons, so perhaps you set yourself a slightly over optimistic expectation of the benefits. It's completely normal to feel deflated after such a major event in your life but try not to lose focus of your goal for a happy future. The 'pros' might not be here as quick as you expected but the 'cons' are still behind you. Surely going back won't change any of the reasons you left . If your long term goal is to live as a happy gay man and father to your kids, then can you honestly believe that going back to your marriage will benefit anyone? You mentioned going back into the closet but the problem with that is that it loses its affect when everybody knows that you're in there. I hope things start to move forward again for you soon to confirm that you're on the right path.
Hello All - Thank you so much for the wonderful responses, and questions you have posed. To NerdyBrain - I can relate to your feelings as I lived in my marriage for 3 years trying my best to make it work. You see, I genuinely love my wife and I looked at my sexuality as a choice and therefore something I would not let get in the way of staying married and being at home with my kids. Its just my mental problems would not go away and I kept trying my best, but could not feel as comfortable as I once was in the marriage. The same occurred for my wife and she often worried and had doubts too. Plus, I feel that me trying to make the feelings go away only made the anxiety worse. Additionally, I had a good friend ask me if I could go to my death bed knowing I never really explored being fully gay. My answer was no. To Taxodium - I can relate as well regarding your feelings. It is so difficult to love someone, and have that love returned with the knowledge that maybe I can not love her as much as she wants due to my sexuality. I think I would try to overcompensate for what I felt I was lacking, which made our relationship a-bit fake at times. Too, I felt that I had to always appear I was feeling ok or else she would get upset and start to worry about me being gay. Finally, I know the feeling about being forced to consider the closet again. My wife would never consciously want me to go back into the closet, but she certainly did not want my sexuality hanging over the relationship, so I think it was just something we both wanted to ignore, which forces us to resist and push away, which effectively puts you back in the closet. But, what about that genuine love? That is what can make this so damn confusing, right? To SiennaFire - thank you for your thoughts. I certainly do not want to go back in the closet and live and inauthentic life. Authenticity and self love are my ultimate goals. Do I think I am gay - I suppose I am a 4 or 5 on the scale, so yea, I do identify more with being gay. However, that is very hard for me to stay with at times because I still long for my wife and the love and comfort she provides. Sometimes I have trouble thinking of my married life as inauthentic because it sure felt authentic before I had a total breakdown. And, we still feel authentic together. Again, this is what is so frikin hard. I have left a relationship to explore being gay and it is difficult to remain focused on this new seemingly lonely life we both are living. I know that loneliness may not last, but both of us are really afraid of not being able to replace what we have built together. To Calf - thank you for your thoughts as well. Gosh, I suppose you are right in that I felt my problems would somehow disappear and that some light bulb would go off signaling to me that I am home. Not so!! I did feel more at home today and was able to get my rational mind moving once again toward: we decided to separate so that I could explore my feelings, going on dates and being a part of the community, while hard on myself and my wife due to guilt, are part of that exploration, that I was unable to settle down in my marriage knowing I had this part of me that had never been given the time of day, and that we are looking long-term for clarity and wholeness. Its that one day at a time thing I have to stay with to keep me sane. As you have all noticed I tend to ruminate and think this through too much. Granted, these are all legitimate questions, but it seems that once I get out of my mind and back into life much of the confusion subsides. I am working with a good therapist who is encouraging me to welcome the uncertainty and anxiety that creates and just be ok with not knowing what is the best decision right now. Thanks again everyone for your support!
I feel this thread. Hugs to you guys. ---------- Post added 12th Apr 2016 at 07:03 PM ---------- Yeah, me too. I mean right now I feel pretty gay, but possibly that's just because I don't have the ability to be with a woman so I'm obsessing over it. I know that I enjoy sex with my husband still but continue to be drawn to women. I'd frankly RATHER be gay than bi, because the latter just seems like a torture to me right now. It sure does. Sigh. If only triads were more common. I'm a fairly conventional person and want what I want to be conventional. I don't want to do all this damn work for something that most people just have by default (monosexuality).
