Feeling stuck

I understand how you feel, there have been many times I've felt this way too. I think it's interesting to see your siggy, in light of this post, perhaps it will help you feel a bit better:

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.

I have some rhetorical questions that might help you think about how you want to move forward and how to gain that sense of purpose and motivation to do what you need to do:

- what is it that you ultimately want from this process?

- what do you want to get from coming out to your crush? Are you hoping she will reciprocate your feelings? Do you want to pursue her?

- Are you happy in a straight marriage (other than feeling like you are in the closet)? And what does it mean to feel in the closet - are you suppressing your feelings? suppressing your identity? feeling disconnected from the lgbt community?

Hugs (*hug*) This is just one day out of many, have some wine and a bit of ice cream, and tomorrow come back to it again and see what you can do to move forward.

 

Dirtyshirt

I don't have an answer. But, I can relate. Although I have not been as out to my wife as you have to your husband, I really get how it would be good to express my bisexuality.

I, too, had a situation where I met a guy who fired up decades old emotions. It wasn't that I was suppressing them (far from it). It was more that it sort of didn't really matter if I expressed my bisexuality. Maybe you didn't bury your same sex desires...maybe you just didn't have anything that stimulated them. In my case, if I can't "do" that one guy, I am not really interested in anything outside of my marriage right now.

I didn't feel I needed to tell this guy about my attraction...it was pretty freakin obvious and mutual. So, I wonder if your crush might feel the same way. Maybe, instead of just blurting it out, there should be a bit more flirting? Fun to do anyway. If this is real, will your husband be cool with it? My wife knew about this guy and was, strangely, unconcerned.

 

The frustration of holding back. Constantly monitoring spreech and sometimes behavior, totally not a recipe for happiness. As for moving forward, all my freinds I've told, I just blurted it out, or commended on how cute a girl was. There is a risk in being yourself, because that's not the you other people have known. People hate change, so they sometimes react badly even if they are liberal minded. It's not unreasonable for you to be nervous. Is there a time you feel that no matter what others reactions are you will be ok with it? I'm to that point, even if my family can't accept me I'm ok with it because I like who I am. Gotta go to work latter.

 

I'm in a very similar situation, except for the crush. Bisexual, in an opposite sex marriage, wanting to find the strength to come out to more people, even if the comfortably safe closet has a strong inertial pull.

I feel more ready every day.

There have been a couple of times where I had a bad day in general (work, bills, stuff breaking, LOL ) where I got close to saying, "screw it, this day can't get any worse, a I'm just going on FB and posting that I'm bi and be done with it all." But I didn't.

One small step I've taken is identifying as bi on a non-LGBT discussion forum I frequent. The non-eventful reception and full acceptance there has been nice. Just a small step.

I've thought about who among friends I'll come out to first. That could happen any time.

Two goals I've set for myself are attending the Pride Fest next month and hopefully being really out by Bi Pride Day in September.

Some days I think it's like swimming in a cool lake, best to just jump in. Most days I just toe the water.

 

I was trying to type fast, and I wasn't as articulate as I wanted to be. It's not that I don't care what others think, I do and am nervous about it. It's that I've come to accept myself, my sexuality, and I'm completely fine with it. When I realized I accepted myself, a deep steady inner peace came with that. I know I can face other people's judgement because I have conviction in who I am, and who I am is good and right. So the question rephrased is do you think you are close to accepting yourself, and how do you think such acceptance would affect coming out?

 

We all have bad days. Hopefully, by the time I'm writing it, you're having a better one. I understand your frustration completely. I have felt similar, and I believe it was in part due to my upbringing. I understand coming from a conservative, yet nonreligious home. I've always had a great fear of disappointing my family, although I can't tell you exactly where it stems from.

Anyway, everyone has covered this issue beautifully, but I just want to tell you to keep your chin up and have a wonderful day. I truly hope today is a better day for you.

 

I have a very similar story. I was married to a man up until I was 26. I had told my husband I was bisexual before we were married and he didn't see it as a problem. Most of my friends at work were lesbians which filled that part of my life to support the LGBT community although I never told them I was gay. Then along comes an old friend, Lori, who looked me up because she thought I would turn out gay. She came out to me as a lesbian and I told her I was bisexual. Over a relatively short time I developed feelings for her probably because of how intimate and personal our conversations became. I was very up front with my husband about all of this and he was very supportive and understanding. Because he did not understand the dynamics of a lesbian relationship he did not feel threatened by it. He mistakenly encouraged me to explore those feelings and fantasies with Lori.. Guys think it's simply about the physical attraction. But it's not. I think you're finding out what I did. The intimacy I felt with a woman far exceeded what I felt with a man. Which means the poor guy never had a chance. The problem is once you start down that road and realize the depths that a relationship can really go then you are standing there looking at your marriage and thinking to yourself....OMG I have been missing something huge and I never knew it. Since my husband encouraged it I felt allowed to explore the physical aspect. Lori and I started off just kissing which was an explosion I had never felt before. I informed my husband who still didn't perceive the threat standing before him. He encouraged it more. She and I made love and then I realized I was living a lie. The affair, even though condoned by my husband was too much for her to be apart of and she left as quickly as she entered my life. But my world was changed forever. I could not continue just living the straight life because now I new there was so much more. I left him three weeks later. Six months later I would go on to meet my future wife Ruth. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary together last month. We have a wonderful 14 year old daughter together. As you can tell I made a lot of mistakes in my coming out process. Things that I am not proud of to this day. But they did shape my life in a positive direction. I am greatly saddened by the loss of Lori's friendship and what I put her through and I will always carry that burden with me. But without that experience I may not have come out when I did. It might have taken me another 10 years of plodding along. Time would have been lost. I took a huge leap by leaving when I did. My family and friends thought it was too quick but I already knew there was no going back. Once you let Pandora out of the box you are eager to start your life. I did and I never looked back.

 

Out - it's good to hear a positive story in here. You clearly have regrets about the way you handled them but have gone on to find happiness. It's good to know it happens. Right now, being recently out I'm struggling with loneliness but trying get out and meet people. My world has turned upside down in the last month and I'm struggling to hold things together. I just have to have faith that things will get better as time goes on.

 

Accepting myself has probably come through from some hardship, and working on my general self esteem. First cutting off abuseive family, hopefully this isn't something you will ever have to do, but I did learn something very valuable from it. Living your life trying to please others, or even to just get along with them is impossible. I had to learn to be healthy selfish, and protect myself. This means my emotions and feelings too. Next my self esteem had been bottomed out at my job. It is demanding, and there is no support, or training from my boss, but endless criticism. I'm the only earner right now, and for several reasons finding a new job isn't an option right now. I started working on my self esteem, and the way I thought about interactions with others, just because I didn't think I would be able to get out of bed for much longer if I didn't. That led me directly to my sexuality. I've see on EC that self esteem and sexually are all bundled up for a lot of people here. It nice not be be alone in that. I think working on myself esteem in all aspects of my life is the biggest factor in my acceptance of my sexuality. I still have some work to go on general self esteem but it's coming together. I do little things everyday to be nice to myself, and am working on unhealthy thought patterns with CBT.

I told my husband I was bi in the first few months we were dating, he was the second person I came out to. While he's not directly unsupportive, there have been times when he could have considered my feelings before his own. I try to keep in mind that he can't 100% understand what I'm going through because he's never had the same feelings. Honestly I didn't ask him how he felt about me being more open about my sexuality. A few years ago my niece came out as transgender, I wanted to come out to her, and he was against it because she is from my in laws side of the family and thought if they found out it could be really ackward. (Not wrong about that.) I finally decided that it might be hard on a teen to keep a secret like that, and there was some chickening out. So when I decided that this is something I needed to feel good about myself I didn't ask him how he felt so much as announce I was doing it. He seems to be accepting of that which is good since I'm not willing to put aside what I need to be happy with myself and feel proud of myself. I'm changing a lot, and our relationship is changing too, I don't know what direction its changing in right now. This is also complicated by both of us having some medical issues.

I've been out to close friends since 1997, so I've had some time to process, I don't know if that makes a difference or not. It seems like you got hit pretty hard by a trigger recently, be nice to yourself dealing with change is hard work.

 

Dirtyshirt wrote

Dirtyshirt. I don't see this as cheating to form an emotional attachment. See, the thing is that some of that bonding that a straight person might form with a same sex friend can become deeper and trigger that deep down warmness (you know what I mean). It is a risk. A good one really, if you think about it...at least for me. We don't always need to act on it to appreciate how good it feels.

The tough thing is that as for some of us bisexuals there is always this empty place that our opposite sex partners never can truly fill. In my case, the good of what I have outweighs that deficit. But, I will admit that some days it doesn't always feel that way.

I am trying to open up to my opposite sex partner about this. But, I don't know if she can understand that it is not about her or how I feel about her. I cannot imagine crying on her shoulder for the loss that you feel...but, don't you wish you could with your husband?

 

One thing that I do that is absolutely critical to me is that I wear a bi bracelet. I wear it all the time; I never take it off.

It's a very small thing but it makes me feel less invisible. I makes me feel powerful, like I know I'm not hiding and that I'm being acknowledged by people who would care to look. I will add a rainbow bracelet during pride week to further call attention to it.

To me it's also a way of assuring myself that no one can legitimately claim that I'm deceiving them. I'm not pretending to be gay with gay people. I'm not pretending to be straight with straight people. I am bi ALL THE TIME.

 

That is a great idea!

I am going to do the same, once I'm out here locally. Thank you for the inspiration!

 

BRAVE would not be the word I would choose to describe it. I was terrified and distraught. I also consider it emotional cheating but it sneaks up on you without you noticing because you are trying to figure yourself out. And then I had a husband who kept pushing me to explore those feelings. UGGG!!! The whole thing just got ugly. Not ugly in the sense of fighting or anger but of sadness and despair. Sometimes full disclosure doesn't really make a difference. People get hurt. The thought of breaking up with my best friend (husband) and leaving everything I had know was tormenting. I felt so GUILTY I can't even find words to express it. And then I had him begging me not to leave that we could work it out. He would cry and plead. It was a dark tunnel that I could see no end to. I left my house, my husband, my family was pissed and I moved out and started living with a friend. I was an outcast. The cheating wife who left her husband to go and be a lesbian. I couldn't even say the word LESBIAN at the time.

But life did get better. I feel for what you are going through. Trust me it is not an easy path. But I don't regret leaving. I have since talked with my ex husband about everything that happened and he says he also has no regrets and things did work out the way they were supposed to. I'll never know the hell that LORI went through and that is my biggest regret. The not knowing is painful. She has also since gone on and married and has her own family now with four children with her wife. Things do work out and you have to do what is best for yourself and your future. BUT that first step is murder. Good luck and stay strong.

 

My son made me a rainbow/heart/Mommy bracelet that I wear every day. He doesn't know why I love rainbows, but he will as he gets older. I might put him up to making a bi pride one too

 

Here is the link to the bracelet I have. It's really handsome and comfortable! I love it.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/241444149/bisexual-pride-bracelet-bi-pride-flag?ref=shop_home_listings