Im a gay man now 38 that still lives in the closet. I came out because of my sister at age 19 to my parents. However, 19 yrs later and my family still doesnt approve and seems to be happy as long as im single. Its as though all the tears and emotional coming out event was all for nothing. I have never been able to bring past lovers to meet my family. My mother gives the excuse all I need is family when I discuss my lonelyness. I love my mother dearly, but living an adult life alone is killing me. Everyone needs physical touch, love, and an emotional connection family can not provide. I still live in fear that if I find someone, that they will never be accepted or treated well. I feel silly to feel this way this late in my life when it seems so easy for the younger generation. Ive always wanted to live my life feeling free and without fear of judgement from others. If anyone has any thoughts or advice, it is greatly welcomed. Thanks
I think part of what it means to become an adult is to go out there and live your life as it makes you happy without regard for what your parents will think or say. You can still respect and love them, even if you disagree with their opinions and attitudes. They have their lives, you have yours, and you only live once. Sometimes, distance helps a lot, the bird is born to leave the nest and fly on his own. Its your destiny, try to stop expecting their approval. I know, easier said than done, I do the same sometimes, too.
There's no easy answers but you can't live your life for the sake of your parents. If you met someone and was happy I'm sure your parents would accept you. If you could make them realise that you can't change who you are and how lonely you were, the least they could do was accept it rather than like it.
We don't get to choose our parents and we don't get to choose our family. As a parent sometimes I have to just "tolerate" what my kids are doing. That's what part of being a family is all about. Friends can come and go but family should always be there. If you're at that point where you need someone in your life as a partner its just unfair to at least receive some indifferent toleration. If it gets nasty beyond that then that's another story.
You have to be you. Parents make mistakes and you can't let their judgements get in the way of your happiness. You can accept their opinions and make them as your own, or you can develop your own opinions and live the life you want. As long as you are self-supportive, you make your own decisions.
You need to live your life for yourself - not your parents or for their/your family's approval. You will reach a stage in life when your parents will no longer be here and you will stop and be filled with more regret and bitterness at the wasted time. You've obviously managed to find partners in the past but felt unable to bring them home to introduce them - that's hard, but if they made you happy you need to remember that you can still find that but you are choosing not to. Your parents are your parents, but they are not your masters. It's so very difficult - my ex and I broke up as one of the reasons was he was not out to his parents and was unlikely to ever tell them. That meant we couldn't move our relationship forward in the way that I would have liked. You only get one life and one shot at it. Don't waste it worrying about what others think.
Thank you all for the kind words and advice. Its nice to hear different ways to address the issues im currently facing. I think alot of it still comes from the generation I grew up in of dont ask, dont tell. I seek my families approval so much that I suppress my own happiness. I guess at some point you just have to live your life and hope it all works.
There's that popular quote by Eleanor Roosevelt - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". This holds true in this situation. When you're young and in school, you don't really have a choice who you surround yourself with. You're stuck living at home, you're stuck going to school, you're stuck with the same people every day. It doesn't get better because these people change and grow up. It gets better because you grow up and find the means to move out from home. You get to choose where to live, what kind of things you want to do, who to do them with, and who to be in a relationship with. That's when it gets better. Unfortunately, we can't change others. And while it really, really sucks that you probably won't be able to bring the man you love home to meet your parents and to get their approval, you'll have to accept that this is the way it is. You need to start surrounding yourself with people who love you for everything that you are. That's the only way it will get better. You have one life, so you get to decide how to live it.
Hey buddy I hear you and identify with you. I think its difficult at any age to come out to your parents. Especially if they are old school which by the sounds of it I am assuming yours are. I wonder if you could talk to any other members of your family like your sister. Might I suggest that if you really feel the need to tackle this topic again with your parents, whom I get that you love dearly, that you take a gentle approach rather than just naming it. It could be like dropping a bombshell and the fallout (which I assume again) is your biggest fear. Gentle approach might look like with smaller conversations as a way of building a bridge to who you are. Just a suggestion. I think having some sort of loving support network for you is also a good idea to look at before making the move to disclose. What everyone has said, I agree with. The thing is if you want to re approach the subject again or not. For me I had to look at the aspect of only having just this one life to live and no second chances. I wanted to be free and had to come to my conclusion that I am not responsible for how others react or respond towards me. And I was getting tired of performing under the guise of who they made me out to be and living up to their expectations. I was actually rescuing them from their emotions by not talking about it. I came out at 51 years old. My closet was like a bomb shelter.
