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The sad ending(?) to my trigger crush

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CapColors, Apr 14, 2016.

  1. CapColors

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    Oh, you guys. Falling in love with your best friend is the fucking WORST. WORST. WORST. WORST.

    (I mean, it's not cancer and it's not losing my husband and my kids or being homeless and it's not mental illness. It isn't even poverty. I'll check my privilege at the door so you don't have to. But it's bad.)

    So, in July of last year I had a best friend I adored and a group of 3 close friends who met every week with our kids to hangout, and now sadly I have neither of those.

    Basically, the story is old. You've heard it here before, many times. It's not always a best friend, but sometimes it is. It's never easy.

    I realized I was in love with my best friend in August of last year, and I immediately went into therapy because I realized dealing with coming out and loving her at the same time by myself was not something that would be possible.

    As time went on, I felt better about being queer. I came out to my husband. I felt more stable and less crazy. It's time to come out to my friends, I thought to myself. I set a deadline because I'm a project manager and that's how I roll.

    I had put my friend in enough of a "friend" box that I figured coming out would just normalize my being queer between us, and be the last step I needed to move on with my life. I didn't think it would be cake, but I knew she was bi, and anyway, she was my best friend for a reason---she cared about me. I was hoping that being queer would be something we could connect about, like being moms, like being 37 year olds, etc.

    Not. so. much.

    For whatever reason, it was immediately a problem. She pulled back and kind of refused to talk about it. She would send me these robotic texts that were a far cry from her earlier, emotionally-filled texts. It was an extreme shift and I felt it immediately. Still, I struggled on. I gave it two weeks and then I tried to tell her more about my hopes and dreams and struggles directly. I told her that I thought I'd need to be with a woman in the future, come hell or high water. I told her that I thought a FWB or a poly situation may be an ideal solution, although unlikely to work. I told her way too much, and too intensely. It's true, I messed that up. I was used to confessing things here, where people are happy to read your queer struggles because they relate.

    I'd forgotten that coming out doesn't mean the same thing to someone who knew when they were 13. That sexual curiosity means almost nothing to someone who has had all the sex they wanted in their past, in as many configurations as they could have it. That monogamy was something hard won for her, not something she saw as a limiting default. In short, I forgot how different our situations were, because I was so desperate to connect in a way that was ABOUT my being queer and not BECAUSE I was queer FOR HER.

    I wasn't going to work. I could just see it in her eyes. Either she suspected my true feelings, or she's emotionally avoidant, or we really are that far apart on the queer spectrum, or she just didn't have the juice to support a friend through a tough time...I'll never really know the reason that she started to pull away.

    But at that moment, the desperation I felt at watching her reaction changed me somehow. The walls in my mind between regarding her as a friend and wanting to be lovers totally disintegrated for me. I knew that I only had one choice, and that was to back away.

    So I stopped texting and emailing and calling and showing up at her work with coffee just how she likes it and planning weekends together and sharing fanfic premises and talking about our kids and our work and our hopes and dreams and all the things I did as easy as breathing with her.

    And she barely seemed to notice. No confused texts. No "wanna talks"? No "I know you're going through a rough time". Nothing.

    It went on like this for two months, people. She'd text me as if everything was fine, and I'd text back politely and that was it. It was night and day from how we had been, and she didn't seem to care. Worse, the three times I ventured to tell her how much I was struggling and how gay I was, she'd ignore me or send back those robotic texts. And then she'd send me pictures of hot guys from tumblr. Like every two days, another post with male bodies all over it.

    I started to think I was completely crazy. Had I literally made up our whole friendship? Had she been using me for support and then cruelly dropped me when I became too much trouble? Why was my best and queerest friend giving me the least empathetic and straightest response of all my friends?

    WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON?

    For two months I suffered. I cried a lot. I'd lost my best friend and the person I loved and the person I thought would be my biggest support as a queer person. And she seemed just as happy to have me not really in her life anymore, so I felt like I'd retroactively lost our whole friendship as well.

    But I couldn't say anything. She seemed FINE. Begging her to care about me was almost rude--why should I spread my crazy to her if she clearly didn't even miss me much? It would be pathetic to demand better treatment from someone who didn't seem to give a shit. So I kept my mouth shut and suffered.

    Anyway, finally, FINALLY we had to go to a birthday party of a mutual friend together; not showing up would have been a direct insult to this person. And FINALLY I saw a reaction from her. She was staring at me the whole time with daggers in her eyes. After two months, a reaction. She was angry as hell.

    I felt bad. Yes, she'd been completely insensitive to me. She'd acted poorly, like a child incapable of thinking of another's perspective. But, of course, I'd started it. I was the sucker who fell for her, changed my orientation, spilled my guts everywhere and then started avoiding her.

    I decided to give her a chance to tell me what she thought of the situation, because CLEARLY she wasn't going to make the first move. So I sucked up my pride and made plans to meet her for dinner and apologize. She'd been careless with my feelings but I couldn't leave her hurting and confused. I still love her, guys. I love her like crazy. And beyond that, we were really close friends. What was my pride compared to letting a friend have some piece of mind? Not worth enough, I decided.

    Anyway, we met for dinner.

    She was so beautiful you guys. Her eyes turned greener when she cried, just like mine. The planes of her face could cut glass, and her hair was so smooth I just want to stroke it.

    I got really drunk. I told her I loved her but that I knew she didn't love me. I told her I was just trying to be known by coming out, not hitting on her for god's sake. I told her I felt like she was torturing me by pretending I'd never come out. I wasn't trying to start something or break up our marriages. I was trying to do the OPPOSITE by normalizing this between us. She cried. I cried. She said she still wanted to be friends. I said I needed space. She said she'd wait. I said okay (I didn't mean it).

    I cut off all communication and don't intend to resume it any time soon. I deleted her emails and her phone number and all her texts. I blocked her tumblr on my computer and deleted the app from my phone. I kept her husband's number in my phone. If I ever need to contact her, I'll go through him. It puts things in perspective.

    And that was it. I never really got an explanation for the poor treatment; it doesn't really matter. When I think about being "friends again" with her I'm forced to admit that we weren't really ever just friends. I was interested almost from the beginning, and I was in love with her less than a year in, which was a year before I even figured it out.

    Unfortunately, I had to cede my place in our Friday playgroup to her for a while. I can't muster up the emotional juice to demand we timeshare our friends. It's all just too mortifying and awkward.

    UGH. Falling in love with your best friend is the WORST.
     
    #1 CapColors, Apr 14, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2016
  2. WanderingMind

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    Oh Cap. I can't imagine. I hope that through the sharing of what you'd been struggling with, she shared, too... and that what she shared helps you move on.

    One thing (other than heartbreak) stood out from me from your post, and that's that you've also lost your regular connection to other friends. I totally get why you feel awkward. I would, too. But, there's no reason to be mortified. Love happened. You faced it the best way you knew how. I hope some of the other moms reach out...
     
  3. Thirdtimecharm

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    Hi Cap.

    I can tell you I have been we're you're at on a grander scale. I fell in love with my best friend and then for twenty years we had this long torturous friendship---that much like yours was not exactly a friendship---until she broke things off with me, as in ended our friendship bluntly, suddenly, and in such a painful way. I literally felt like my heart had been torn from my body and that I couldn't go on without her---at least I couldn't imagine life without her, breathing without her in my life. I, like you, lost one of the greatest loves of my life and my best friend and I was so broken. Twenty years of back and forth with her(unlike your situation neither of us was out...she was the one everyone forever had said was gay. I myself thought I just really really liked her...). Anyway. Over twenty years she left me and came back for a total of four or five times, some periods of silence spanning several years. Each time my heart fell even harder. I felt a love for her that I had never felt for anyone ever before. Her "breaking up" with me (and my subsequent breakdown) was the turning point for me. Therapy. Then acceptance that I was def not straight.

    Anyway, I have been we're you are at. My wounds are still healing. Anytime you want to chat...message me. Our situations are very similar (even to include the hiring of a female
    Escort).

    Time makes it better...hugs
     
  4. Orchidea123

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    Oh Cap, your story put tears in my eyes.. Yes, falling in love with your female friend is the worst, I agree.
    In feel like many of our stories don't get closure. Maybe because our loves' reactions are subject to so much interpretation.
    I never got a chance to be close friend with my love. As time goes by and I feel "cured", liberated from having really strong feelings for her. Sometimes though, deep down inside I feel this love will never go away and will stay in my soul forever.
    You have been and are going through very difficult time.. Know that we are with you, take Very good care of yourself.
    Your confidence and support for others has been awesome!
    As for your former friend, I would have thought that her queerness would have her truly care about what you are going through. I suspect she may not have been as good of a friend after all.
    I totally see how you've been hoping she'd at least support you. You are Not crazy, you've done alright as a perfectly normal human being. Regardless of the situation, it can be devastating not to find support from a so called friend. She was not a friend.

    You are right to look for a live person to support you.
    I am looking for one too and I think we as humans always look for someone who can relate to what makes us tick.
    So, I really hope you find one, and Soon!
    And, no escorts, maybe patience is the key here, you deserve real things, good stuff ( came across another post of yours)
     
  5. baristajedi

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    Cap, I'm so sorry about the way this all went down. I can feel your emotions coming through in your post. This must have been/still is hard.

    I really think that you handled it honestly, bravely and respectfully. You did the best you could in a tough situation, and it sucks, it really does, that it ended badly with her. I think all of the honesty you shared with her helped you learn more about yourself and about what it means to you to be queer. I know that's not a lot of comfort at this point but I do think it's a good part of all of this.

    Big big hugs (&&&)
     
  6. biAnnika

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    Hol...holy crap. Cap'n...omg ((((((((((( huge hugs )))))))))))))

    I am *so* sorry to hear all of this. Know that we care about you, and are here to talk with any time you need us.

    *more hugs*
     
  7. dirtyshirt84

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    Hi Cap. I am also reading with tears in my eyes...I am so sorry you had to go through all this. It sounds as though she let you down as a friend and wasn't able to be there for you/support you when you needed her most.

    Hard also to not get a proper resolution, and to never get answers to why she acted the way she did. I wonder if she did suspect you had feelings for her before you told her. Hard too to loose a 'Mum friend' - I know how important they are!

    I hope things get easier in time...PM if you ever want to talk about it! Big hugs.

    I relate to some of your story as I am thinking about coming out to my crush - this makes me wonder if it is a good idea, although she basically already knows I'm not straight. I also want to connect with her in a way that is about me being queer too - and not about any feelings I have for her. I wonder if we have also never been just 'friends' though, if there has always been some kind of subtext. I don't know, maybe some things are better left unsaid.
     
  8. YeahpIdk

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    Holy Shizz, Caps. Who do you sound like? Oh...ME!

    Why does it always, alway seem to end this way? Yes, I know there are some people on here who are now with the person they fell in love with that brought out their gay, but they're like mythical unicorns compared to the lot of us who love and lose so, freaking, hard.

    I think the way your friend acted is interesting, it sounds so similar to my situation, and I'm ten years your junior. Is it a Trigger thing to be oblivious and ridiculous? Or is it an us formly confuseds who are oblivious and ridiculous? I really don't know. I think it's possible she may have had a little something for you as well. How are these emotions one-sided? I don't think they are. I imagine there's a chance she wasn't sexually attracted to you, but I've got friends who I'm close with, and there's no attraction there at all. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, I just think it's suspect for attraction to be so one-sided. It also would speak to her trying to normalize your interactions so hard once you came out to her. I could be reading into it too much though.

    It sounds like she cares about you a lot. I think it's good you're taking a break -- maybe you'll find you can be friends again, but probably not. Mostly, because like my Trigger and I, you were never truly friends with her. I'm sending you many-a-hug.

    I totally know what you're going through right now, and feel for you. It will take time, but things will get better. Perhaps a lot of time...
     
    #8 YeahpIdk, Apr 15, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2016
  9. gabjiao

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    Cap

    breaking up with your best friend is definitely hard. I aadmire you cutting contacts with her, You are setting yourself free. i also fell in love with my best friend. But our friendship is more important to me. This why i denied my feeling for him.
     
  10. bi2me

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    I'm so sorry for the loss you are dealing with. It sounds like it was a loss on many levels. Is there a lgbt center near you that you could check out? I hope you find true friends to help fill the void.
     
  11. CapColors

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    Thank you so much for your compassion. Hopefully I will be able to keep friendships up with my other friends. I think there is room for that in my life but it will be altered and it will never be the happy safe Friday-night space that is was. :frowning2:

    It's hard. I lost a lot all at the same time, and I'm really sad about it. It is why I put off coming out for so long----I thought that this was the likely result although I fought as hard as I could for another way.

    ---------- Post added 15th Apr 2016 at 01:26 PM ----------

    Thank you so much. I feel for your situation so, so much. 20 years! Two were enough to completely flip my world upside down. One of the major reasons that I doubt I can be "friends again" any time soon is that I tend to hold on to crushes for many years. I'm afraid I would be in your situation except for that it would be even less requited on her side.

    Which...I'm not nice when I think people are rejecting me (who is?). I turn jealous and bitter and horrible. To think of oscillating between that and a sad longing...no. I cannot be that person. I would rather sacrifice all of my close friends, rather sacrifice almost anything not to be that person.

    Hugs you you my darling.

    ---------- Post added 15th Apr 2016 at 01:28 PM ----------

    Thank you so much. This was by far the worst part of it, the questioning why a good friend was letting me down so hard, and thinking perhaps I had just never been truly liked at all.

    ---------- Post added 15th Apr 2016 at 01:33 PM ----------

    Thanks, babe. God, I TRIED. You know? I TRIED. Was I perfect? Hell, no. I'm sure from her perspective I was acting crazy and sometimes super bitchy. She may be processing it right now and be getting mad as hell. *shrug* I've given up the ability to affect how she views the situation. I really, really did try my best but we all know that's not always good enough in life.

    And yeah, you're right. It's not a lot of comfort. I actually don't like most of the things it taught me---I'm pretty sure that I'll have to go on DESPITE knowing the things I know. But not all experiences are helpful. Some things just are.

    ---------- Post added 15th Apr 2016 at 01:34 PM ----------

    Thanks, babe. Straightforward words of comfort mean so much to me right now.

    ---------- Post added 15th Apr 2016 at 01:48 PM ----------

    Thank you! Yes, I do think she let me down hard. But, on the other hand, could I have accepted ANY level of help from her? Like is there a level that would have actually been good enough? I...don't know! I thought there was, which is why I tried engaging her in coming out. But in retrospect I have to admit that maybe no amount of "friend" help would have satisfied me. Because I don't want to be friends, at a really fundamental emotional level. Sure, in my head I want to stay faithful and not ruin our lives, but in my heart I want to be together. There's not a great middle ground. She said she'd wait for me, but right now I'm considering a future in which we are anything more than painfully awkward acquaintances to be a nice fiction and nothing more.

    I think she did have romantic feelings for me, although she didn't know that's what they were because she'd never had a best friend before so she didn't know that we were way too intense even for best buds. I don't blame her for not knowing. I HAVE had best friends before and I should have known better. I'm pretty sure she is not very sexually attracted to me (or indeed most women).

    Hmmm, well. I tried to just hide it for 8-9 months and it did NOT make things better at all. But I was *in love* with her. We were engaging in a romance regardless of how she thought of it. This wasn't something that could be translated to a non-queer space given how I felt. I realize that now, although I didn't before.

    So if you are in MY situation I urge you to come out and have her shoot you down so you can move on with your life.

    BUT! If you are in more of a "crush" situation and you aren't as intensely involved and she is not your best friend, then I'd say it's possible to continue with things left unsaid. For a while.

    But eventually I think that your needs to hold onto the friendship will be trumped by her rights to know that someone close to her could have romantic and/or sexual feelings about them. This is one of the many reasons I decided to come out. We were so close that it had started to get totally creepy that she didn't officially know.
     
  12. CapColors

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    Honestly I assume it's basically a numbers game. We are surrounded by so many [goddamn beautiful and unavailable and perfectly wrong] straighties that it's just probability that we'll fall for one, especially if we don't know we are queer or if we are closeted, or if we are in an area with few LGBT people and culture.

    One thing that drives me fucking nuts is that I'm sure there are more bi people out there than openly admit it or even know. (No, I do not think "everyone is a little bi" or whatever. Some people are definitely incurably straight lol.) I can see things changing, and the numbers are rising. But they are rising slowly, and behind my place in history. :frowning2:

    Yup, I think you nailed it. I'm pretty sure was a bit in love with me, although I think that she wasn't sexually attracted to me, so you could frame it as a friend love. I'm sure she's going back through her memories right now and retroactively making all our love moments just about me. I can't stop her from doing that; it's her right. But I am convinced that if I gave a bunch of outsiders access to our data--the texts, transcripts, etc. they would say "oh this is a romance."

    I think that friend love is a real thing, and it's a powerful force for good in the world. There's nothing wrong with being a bit in love with your friends and it not being sexual. Triggers are probably oblivious because if you are straight it just isn't even on your radar. I remember being straight and it would never have even occurred to me.

    Thank you, babe. She DOES care about me a lot; I did at least get that from our conversation. I don't know if we can be friends in the future. I don't think so right now, but I'm not writing it off completely.

    Part of the issue for me is that I cannot date a woman so I don't have anything to really draw that part of my romantic/sexual attraction away from her. My husband is fucking amazing but I am one of those bi people who feels attraction differently enough to each gender (yeah I know, let's keep it between us, I know this is what everyone fears/hates about [SOME OF] us bis) that the one does not diminish my desire for the other. At least not recently.

    ---------- Post added 15th Apr 2016 at 02:04 PM ----------

    Aw, best wishes, Gabjiao. It is a very difficult situation. I hope you can find someone else to date and draw your attention away from him. Meanwhile, hugs.

    ---------- Post added 15th Apr 2016 at 02:06 PM ----------

    Thanks, darling. Yes, it is a loss on many levels. I didn't mean to paint my friends in a bad light, though. They are true friends, but even true friendships might not make it through such a crazy situation. Right now taking a break makes sense to me, but I'm sure the other two moms will still be friendly to me, even if we can't all hang together as we once did.

    Honestly, I feel terrible for breaking up the merry band with my big gay crisis. I'd have wished it all away if I could. I tried so hard to find some kind of middle way but I just can't do it right now.

    It's avoiding a mess like this that motivated me to stay in the closet. I was just too gay to hide it for long.
     
    #12 CapColors, Apr 15, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2016
  13. TAXODIUM

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    I am so sorry to read this. I've been through similar things a couple of times and it hurts. Bad. In fact, it sucks giant donkey dicks and eats boogers.

    Big hugs from the 12 year-old in my head.
     
    #13 TAXODIUM, Apr 15, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2016
  14. CapColors

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    Aw, thank you. I mean, if it were just one or the other, the dicks or the boogers, I'd have been able to cope! But it was BOTH, goddamn it!
     
  15. dirtyshirt84

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    I have to tread very carefully as we work together and it wouldn't be so easy for me to go and get another job that suits my circumstances so well at the moment. I'm also aware that if I ruin the working relationship/friendship we have work will become miserable for me (very small office).

    We are definitely not as intensely involved as you and your friend were, although I feel like we are getting closer, which in some ways I'm not sure is a good idea. I'll try not to repeat too much of what I've said elsewhere on here - she knows I like her, its obvious (don't think I've ever been too good at hiding my feelings!) but there is no point in actually telling her as she has made it pretty clear she is happy with her gf. But I think I should probably come out to her as I feel like I am being dishonest so much of the time. I think she probably deserves to know for a fact that I am bisexual.
     
  16. rachael1954

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    Sorry my delay just reading this now. I feel so much for you, I'm so sorry.

    You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your heart. You did nothing wrong by being honest with her, and it's way more than she was for you. I think she is thinking about you all the time but not admitting it. I am glad she went to dinner with you and tried to be as honest and forthright as she could with you (in her own way). I'm so sorry that love has this side to it.
     
  17. CapColors

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    I think you have said it here already. You should come out to her and then somehow distance yourself a little bit.

    I recommend saying something like this: I recently realized I was bi and I'm having a little bit of a hard time adjusting. I don't intend to be clingy but any advice now or in the future would be welcomed.

    OR

    I just wanted you to know that I recently decided I identify as bi. It's new! And turbulent, but ultimately I think it will lead to good things.

    And then try and put a little distance between you two for a while at least if you can do it without being crazy weird about it (I couldn't, but that was because we were best friends! With a coworker it should be easier. Sign up for a lunch exercise class or something if that's when you usually see her, etc.)

    ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2016 at 03:28 PM ----------

    Aw, thank you honey! I kind of think so, too, on all the points above. I don't know how fast she is healing, but I'd imagine that she is now able to be like "oh that was all her" about things that were once mutual. So probably when I see her again all those friend-love feelings on her side will have been edited away. But I'm pretty sure they were there, although I knew even at the time that they weren't as intense for me as mine were for her.

    LOVE BLOWS :slight_smile:
     
  18. CameOutSwinging

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    So sorry to hear the way things went. Just remember, we grow from these experiences. And the things that hurt right now become distant memories one day. I remember when my ex and I broke up and it felt like the end of the world. I thought I'd never be over it. Now, I can't even imagine why I cared so much. You'll survive this, stronger than ever. Hugs.
     
  19. CapColors

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    Thanks, COS. I appreciate it very much.
     
  20. cakepiecookie

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    I'm so sorry, CapColors. No advice, just commiseration. I went through something somewhat similar a couple of years ago, and I'm still not 100% over it, though it has gotten a lot better with time.