I am a 41-year-old man, and have been attracted to men since I was an adolescent. For whatever reason – being bullied in school, conservative family, the same reasons a lot of us stayed in the closet – until very recently not acted on my attraction to men. So I thought I would share my story since so many of you have shared yours with the hope of helping one another because I find myself still stuck and scared. I would like be unstuck, finish the process of coming out and living live as a happy gay man. As a teenager and in my early 20s, I was horrified that someone might find out the truth about me. As I got a little older, I found that women were attracted to me and it was easy to pick up girls. I enjoyed – and still enjoy – having sex with women. I thought I could pretend to be straight, and I ended up in a long term relationship with a woman. We got married after she became pregnant with our son but separated when our son was two. She does not know I am gay (yet). A few months ago, I ended up hooking up with a super cute gay guy friend that I have had a crush on. It was an incredibly liberating experience and confirmed what I have always know…I really like guys :icon_bigg. After hooking up, I think I may have had a chance to date him. However, as I have done in the past with guys I am attracted to, I ended up pushing him away. My internalized shame and self loathing really gets in the way. Now things are awkward between us. In the meantime, I have told my Mom, my brother and several close friends the truth about my sexuality. As I always kind of knew, they have been super supportive. I also have a gay therapist who is helping me through the process. At this point, I don’t care who knows I am gay and will be open to anyone who asked. I really want to keep moving forward. I have been on dating sites lately and have been getting interest from guys. I just can’t reach back out when contacted. The problem remains me: I am so scared of moving forward. I am scared of what guys will think of me being in the closet for so long, having an (awesome) six-year-old boy, and am just generally scared of being open and vulnerable with a guy. I am my own worst enemy it seems. But, as others have said in this forum…I guess we have to keep moving forward a little bit each day. I just want not be scared anymore. Thanks for reading, and I appreciate any input or advice you may have.
Hi nsantana Welcome to EC :welcome: It seems like you are heading in the right direction by coming out to your mom et al. and working with a gay therapist. Why do you care what other guys think about you? If they can't deal with the fact that you are a gay dad, then they're probably not the right guy for you. It's simply not a match; it doesn't make you an awful person. Simply move forward until you find a guy who likes you for who you are. FWIW, your "weakness" is really a strength. Gay/bisexual guys who have dated women before are much better at relationships than gay thoroughbreds. The bigger issue is that you are scared of being vulnerable with a guy, which is probably caused by your internalized homophobia and shame. Here's a recent thread about healing the shame. I made some suggestions in post #4: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/209529-internalised-homophobia.html. Does it make any sense to go back to the super cute gay guy friend and say that you fucked up and ask for his help overcoming your internalized homophobia and shame? Certainly this is one way to exhibit vulnerability. It's possible things are beyond repair, but I thought I would throw it out there.
There's nothing to say that the people you meet won't be in the same position as you. I am for example. I feel the same fear you do, but I think you'd be surprised how many people have lived a straight life before coming out. Especially those around your and my age.
Good morning, nsantana. Congrats to you for sharing your story so honestly. I'm certain it struck a note of familiarity for many of us. Why, I ask myself, has it taken me 45 years to be open and adventurous. When I talk to my sister about these issues, you counsel is "Better hurry up. You may not have that much time."
Yes it does! In our prime; and what's more cool than being a father. You know nsantana what SF said nails it again. We make for great relationships for we've felt so much and dealt with so much; lost so much and know a whole different world of interpersonal relations than the "gay thoroughbreds" he mentioned. I've found a lot to guys I've chatted with think being a dad is really cool and love it. Its fine if its not their thing but if they crap on you for it they probably have a bunch of issues that make them cower so they're not ready for you anyway, it might be their problem. Being vulnerable is difficult but can be beautiful whether its something intimate, a walk in the woods or just a conversation. Just keep trying. No way are you too old. I explain my situation to gay friends and chat buddies all the time; I get more understanding than dismissal.
I know what you mean about vulnerability. You may well like me have spent years with a closed heart and it's scary to open that up to someone, to possibly feel real heartache.
Nsantana, I'm 52 (BTW, I thought life started at 50, I misread the memo), I had never even thought about coming out until I found a crush online. From that point on, that crush has made me want to look for more. I had never had a feeling such as what I had for him. Made me want it even more. Married for 16 years, depressed and anxious for most of them, outed myself accidentally (mentioned in New Member whose wife just found out) to my wife. The ball is rolling and I'm working to move forward to a new life. Mixed emotions, excited, sad, a little empty, little angry, but ready to move on. I know things will get better in time.
When making any big change in life, feeling nervous, afraid and not-so-confident is completely normal. If you were embarking on an entirely new career, you'd probably be very nervous for your first few job interviews. You're new, what do you have to offer, right?? As others have said, the life experiences you've had give you A LOT to offer. You're not special-weird, you're special-good! As Sienna Fire's quotation of Joseph Campbell suggests, the best way to deal with fear is head-on. You stare it down and shred it like the bad-ass you are. If it at first you don't succeed: repeat, repeat, repeat until you prevail. Finding love and intimacy is a lot like dealing with your not-straight sexuality. You are who you are. Fundamentally, you can't change that person. By being your authentic self, you will attract people who authentically like you. You can't MAKE them like you, nor can they MAKE you like them. All the minutia that surrounds dating and the early days of a relationship are fluff. Be kind, patient and real. Do those few things and everything will work out naturally on its own.
All, thanks for your responses. First off, in no way I feel too old. I still enjoy being - and feeling - young. And yes, 50 IS the new 40 . With regard to the internalized homophobia, shame and fear, these are really strong feelings that are not going away easily. I agree that ultimately they will be vanquished by embracing the change, the fear and being open, proud and confident about who I am. Since I posted my original post, I have actually engaged some guys in some banter on dating/hookup sites. It feels great. One guy who is super super hot I actually exchanged phone numbers with. We agreed to try and meet up this coming weekend. I was surprised when he texted me this morning from work and attached a selfie. Good lord he is HOT. Then we exchanged texts all day today. I got sick of the texting so I tried calling him tonight but he didn't pick up. I don't know where this will lead...but I end up feeling that I am out of my element! The reality is in a few short months I have gone from being totally in the closet to calling a guy to set up a date. Wow. Even though I am riddled with anxiety I have to give myself some credit.... My next steps are hopefully going out with this guy (even though build up and anxiety is crippling), starting to tell more people in my circle of friends, and just keep being patient and caring with myself.
