Given sexuality is not a choice and therefore whilst not wanting to be gay (who would?) how to you learn to love yourself as a gay man? I know we only get one shot in life and therefore what's the best way of accepting who you are and then learning to love your queer self. I don't like the word queer actually I think it gives connotations of being abnormal in some way.
Well you are basically hurt. Because you are hurt you also do not trust. Check out the post I just submitted about a dogs reaction to hurt. In a nut shell the process goes. Drain hurt from your body - I call this poison. Replace with positive experiences. This means you need gay friends who can give you love and acceptance. (note: love is not sex.) Then like the dog, replace with more love and acceptance. Personally I think you are pretty awesome, for you are on ECs. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-...universal-reactions-can-same.html#post3022900
You learn to love yourself by healing the internalized homophobia and associated shame. You may want to go back and revisit your earlier thread. I made some suggestions in post #4: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/209529-internalised-homophobia.html. Be sure to checkout out my blog post as which references an excellent video from gratewhale. The Velvet Rage is a must read !!! ride:
For me it has been about loving my life. My ex bf used to say things like if there was a pill that they invented that could make him straight he probably would take it as life is easier if you're straight. Well, I lived a outwardly straight life for 40 years and I am the most content with myself I have ever been in my life. Why? Because I actually love being me. I love the fact that I have love to give, that I am being me and being allowed to give that expression of love for guys. I don't think you could ever 'choose' - I don't even think about it as a factor in my life. I am who I am and I just happen to like guys. I'm still the same person - actually I think I'm a stronger person now than I was before. Nothing scares me now in life. I am very lucky though. Very lucky in the support networks I have, the people who accept me, the people who are there for me and who pick me up on the days when I feel a bit down about life generally.
This question is such a good one. For me, I got so tired of trying to change I gave up. Then I got tired of being ashamed, do I quit that to. Finally realized life is too freaking short to live miserable. So I decided to be happy. I know it's wierd, but it works for me lol.
Just one day at a time, learning to love yourself is like learning anything else. You just need daily practice, and learning from mistakes.
I second the Velvet Rage. Alan Downs does an amazing job in the book. Make sure you get your personal copy so you can highlight. Then you can go back and "reflect" after you digest. Also you can go to YouTube and watch Alan Downs vids.
You like guys... So??? Nothing is wrong with that, you are lucky to be living in these modern days where most of the people are accepting to us. Be who you are and accept your sexuality!!!
Hi I am in a really bad place at the moment - I have told my wife I think I am gay and she believes as do the rest of the family that it is OCD from fixating on it but I am now convinced even though I have never had any same sex experiences but deep down I feel that I am and I am so worried that I am close to breaking down.
Have you spoken to anyone else about how you feel? Friends, relatives, counsellor? From what you say you describe having told your wife and your family has found out or been told? If you haven't already spoken to someone independent, who you can trust to give listen and let you talk, then I'd do that. Just because you haven't had a same sex experience doesn't mean you can't have those feelings and still be gay. You need to get some space to think clearly which is seemingly what you don't have at the moment.
Admitting to yourself and to others that you are gay takes courage. That is a reason to love and respect yourself - you have chosen to be honest with yourself and people who are important to you. Don't think of it as shame. Think of it as a challenge that you need to overcome. Some people might judge you for it, but there are people who will admire and respect you for standing up for yourself, and those are the people that will matter to you. Your opinion of yourself matters to you as well, so find that courage and honesty in yourself and embrace it.
From the time I came out to myself and accepted whom I am, to today, has been a massive journey of self discovery. There has been a lot of challenges and accomplishments along the way. While the journey will always continue, I can say that today I am at peace with myself and content with where I find myself in life. I can not say at which point in time along my journey I finally realized I do love whom I am, but needless to say it is the place I now find myself. All the risks I took were well worth it! Follow your journey, you can find the love your looking for.
It boils down to shame. On another thread someone wondered why people have pride events. It's because the shame of being gay is toxic and makes you feel horrendous, celebrating pride is celebrating that we no longer feel the shame that's has been bringing us down. It's about saying I'm gay and I'm not going to be ashamed of it no matter what anyone says. It's about saying I like men and there's nothing I can do about it but I'm not going to let it kill me, it's about feeling pride in your identity as a minority and that I love myself for being gay and nobody can take that away from me. Now if only I can get to that place where I truly believe this but that's my take on it.
Go participate in a pride event, it's liberating! It was a turning point for me in dealing with both shame and internalised homophobia. Walking with others, seeing the acceptance from the crowd, the atmosphere, it's overwhelming the first time.
