1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

28, closeted, drowning in regrets about the past

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by NachoMan, Apr 15, 2016.

  1. NachoMan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2016
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Long time lurker, first time poster! Yep, it got kinda long...
    28 and still in the closet and can't stop drowning myself with regrets about lost time, how much I could have been, lost experiences and friendships as a result of being fake and living a lie that continues to dig me into a deeper hole by the day.

    I am south asian minority, however I grew up in a rather westernized household in a primarily white neighborhood, as a result, my best efforts to befriend people of my own culture has been met by cold-shoulders either because I'm "white-washed" or because they can sense I'm gay. Most of my friends have been primarily white or "international" (south american/european). However my relationships with these individuals can only go so deep, because I am naturally not bringing my full self to the friendship, and second I can't fully identify with them from a cultural perspective. Finding a community I fit into has been a lifelong struggle, with that said, I'm an extrovert and managed to keep a social life going throughout my life with a revolving door of people I would like to call friends, but are more like acquaintances I know well and get drunk with.

    These depressive closet/regret emotions have occurred in brief moments throughout my 20's, but over the past year it has turned into a full on depression, primarily sparked from many of my peers who are beginning to get married, or seriously dating where they don't have time to hang with single people or want to hang out as "couples". Further, people seem to be kinda "done" introducing new friends into their lives at this age, apparently. My social life has come to a halt - I use food, liquor, adderall and the internet to cope/escape.

    How did I end up here? I think it could be traced back to not going to college far away from home or in a big city, where I would have had the confidence to come out due to the anonymity of not knowing anyone from my home town. I still lived away in a dormitory at my local state school, but I knew too many people from my hometown to feel confident about coming out or even attending the LGBT clubs/organizations on campus. I drank a lot and my weight yo-yo-ed throughout my 4 years when I became depressed and used food as an outlet.

    Following college, I moved to a large city, however I got a job (consulting) which required me to travel often. Years of the first couple years of my 20s were spent in random cities across the USA, living out of suitcase. While I was still depressed deep down, I was distracted by intense work and the camaraderie of my co-workers/clients - the job made it "easy" to forget and put off coming out. I knew one day I had to come out, but I was too lazy to then. I kept on saying after this business trip, or when I switch jobs, or go back to grad school...always putting it off. With the limited time I had when I didn't travel, I spent with the few straight friends I had from college.

    Over the past 2 years I've had a job that doesn't require travel. I've tried to find and experiment with a gay community, clubs/sports leagues that I felt like I fit into, one that would be a good support group before coming out. However, I have had trouble finding a group of people I identify with. The culture based clubs I feel as though I'm not enough of a minority to identify with. The other clubs are either filled with very superficial guys who are way too focused on appearances or guys who fall into a much older age bracket. The gay bars which are often frequented as part of these organizations are also filled with very "sceney" types which I'm not a fan of. I just want to be around a diverse group of guys who don't care about going to gay bars and just want explore the city and have fun...just like my straight friends. Is this unrealistic?

    Overall, I having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and since I can't see it, I constantly dwell on the past. Its starting to eat me alive. The most defining and precious years of my youth are passing me by...as my peers are moving on to the next chapter in their lives, I haven't even started this one. So much wasted time I'll never get back. I know my situation isn't nearly as bad as others, first world problems, but they still hurt just as much. I don't feel that I have the confidence to come out of the closet until I know I have a support group of other gays I can identify with.

    Thanks for reading, feels really good to write it all down. Appreciate others stories, thoughts, experiences and advice.
     
  2. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    Hey man. It sounds really tough for you. Coming out is fucking scary and I empathize. I urge you to read other stories here.

    I know it doesn't seem like it but consider that you've already come a long way, and that yu have a lot of wins already.

    For example, you know you're gay (win #1!), you live in NYC (win #2!), you're in your 20s (win #3!), you're not married (win #4!), etc.

    No coming out situation is ideal--there is no such thing--but you have already set yourself up for success in many ways; possibly you can draw some confidence from that.
     
  3. MS001

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    are you talking about salga as the culture based club? Dude, there is a huge range of how Americanized first generation people are depending on where you grew up. If you meet a group of people that think you are too white, you really just have to say fuck 'me and move onto to the next group cause ain't nobody got time for that! Go to Meetup and you will find groups for non-scene gay guys or queers in general in their 20s in your area. I've seen them. You just have to keep looking and search for Facebook groups etc etc.

    Also, go to gay affirmative therapy. Also there are coming out groups for gay men in the city.
     
  4. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, NachoMan.

    I mostly want to say, I am with you. I'm 31 and just working on coming out. One of my overall impressions so far is regretting lost time and questioning choices in terms of how much time it seems like they cost me. I've been dealing with this stuff really actively for a couple of months, talking to friends and going to therapy and posting here. I'm feeling maybe 10% less regret. Maybe better than that. Still a lot, but not the primary thing quite so much. Anyway, I just want to say, I'm with you, and I think maybe we'll feel the regret less intensely as we actually do move forward.
     
  5. guitar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,062
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Southern Ontario, Canada
    To the original poster, so much of your story is so similar to my own. I was closeted until ~25. I lived under the pretense of being straight for years, even several years after I knew deep down I was gay. I went through a lot of what you're going through - feeling like a liar. Now my friends are moving on in life as well.

    Anyways, I'm.heading off to bed but write me on my wall and we'll chat some more. I feel some of my experiences are similar enough to yours that I can probably be of some help. I was in your shoes not that long ago!
     
  6. Mickey 29

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2015
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I feel you man. I came out less than a year ago, at 29. Had thought about doing really only for the past 2 years, and then it just...kind of happened. I had never really been a person to dwell on the past or regret things, but as soon as I came out...that seems to be all I did.

    It's better now, but I still have that lingering regret. Every time I make progress...I just feel like I can't be happy or proud because of this thought that "Well, I should've done all of this years ago". Objectively, I know it doesn't help, but I can't seem to stop thinking that way.

    Anyhow, it has gotten a lot better. Just being around other gay people is a huge step. Really, I've found most people don't care about age, experience, etc. The gay community is much more diverse in experiences, typically, than the straight community, I've found. So a lot of the pressures that I've found at the "pushing 30" age aren't as much of an issue in the gay community (at least in my experience).

    Focusing on the present is the best advice I can give. Recently I've been able to do that more and it's made a HUGE difference.
     
  7. cakepiecookie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2015
    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Somewhere
    I can totally relate to the regrets about lost time, but I really try not to dwell on them. Nothing is going to bring the past. All you can do is learn from it and make your future the best it can be. Start living your life now so you're not living with regret in another 5-10 years from now when you'll be wishing you came out when you were 28. Besides, 28 is still very young - you have so much ahead of you!

    The stuff you're saying about not being into the whole gay clubbing scene - I've heard that from a lot of gay guys, so there are definitely plenty of guys like you out there, you just have to figure out where to find them. Do you have a queer organisation in your area? Support groups? Hobby groups aimed at LGBT people? Finding new friends means getting outside your comfort zone a bit and going along to things that might be hit or miss. Once you start opening up and putting yourself out there, things will start falling into place. Nothing's going to happen if you're hiding at home the whole time (I speak from personal experience!).
     
  8. Domo2016

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2015
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dublin
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hey OP! I was in very similar situation to yourself. I too am 28 and I just came out to my family this year. I so far have told 6 people but I've yet to tell my friends which I'm hoping to do in the coming weeks. My 2cents on the issue is that you are still extremely young. I too had regrets about 'lost time' but you know what I've totally changed my mindset. I've vowed to make my 30's the new 20's by making it best decade of my life. Just know that your not alone lots of people are in this situation and you can still have all that you ever dreamed of. Take care :slight_smile:
     
  9. Mttnyc1

    Mttnyc1 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New york
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I also spent all of my 20s hiding my emotions. I wish I could build up the courage to let it all out.
     
  10. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm halfway through being 31. I still have time to claim my 30s and not have the regrets I have about my 20s.
     
  11. mrj2688

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2016
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Louisiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm 35 and just recently accepted that I was gay. The minute I accepted it, the regrets came flooding in. I'm just hoping I can let these regrets go and move on. Of course, I'm still very early in the process. I just want to let you know that there are others who feel the exact same way you do--try not to let the regrets consume you.
     
  12. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The sooner you become immersed in your new identity, make gay friends, and yes, begin having gay sexual relationships, the faster your regrets will recede into obscurity. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and it's fabulous!
     
    #12 Weston, Apr 27, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2016