More of the same

Ugh. I totally understand, nerdbrain. I'm in a different scenario since I'm bi and trans, but when the fantasies intrude on reality and totally kill the mood, it 100% sucks but not in a good way.

Obviously, no one is going to be able to tell you which fork in the road to take, but it sounds like you already made your decision when you chose to separate. My uneducated guess is that you're having some remorse about the decision - triggered by physical intimacy - which sounds to me completely normal. I'd say trust your gut and your initial decision. Just my 2¢

 

Is your wife aware of your fantasies?

 

So, is your wife willing to accept this about you and the "possibility" that you are gay? I am not 100% convinced you are gay, being bi myself. But, what do I know?

If you are bi, then the expression of your sexuality may not need to be acted on. It depends on what you NEED to satisfy your emotional and intimacy needs without compromising those of your spouse.

In my case. I would love to have sex with a guy, the right guy. Would I do it at the expense of my wife...I have decided that no, I would not. Can I live my life without this intimacy? Yes, because I may lose that intimacy with my wife. Sadly, for some bisexuals, expressions of our sexuality, may require a choice. In a perfect world, I would have both...but, no world is perfect.

What is important, is that we need to provide, and embrace,the intimacy needs of our partner. This is an expression of love that may involve sacrifice. As long as we are not sacrificing our identity. Be careful not to relate gay and bi. They, can be, profoundly, different. I am not suggesting that anyone would suppress their sexuality.

I don't know why you have intrusive thoughts about anal sex with a man while having/initiating sex with your wife. These seem like such different "activities" that is seems like they should not be occurring simultaneously. I wonder if this is OCD related only? And, if so, is there some way you can compartmentalize these thoughts?

 

If you were bi (and I have no idea if you are, just offering this), you could simulate bottoming with your wife and toys. It can be awesome if you're both into it. I enjoy that from time to time, and still share the love and intimacy with my wife. I am bi and have embraced it fully. My wife is supportive and wonderful.

Not saying that would work necessarily, just sharing honesty. If you have interest, perhaps read on bisexuality and pegging. Sorry if this is R rated or poorly written, working from my phone on break between sets. Hugs and love, brother!

 

Part A
Well, it's an unsatisfied need/desire - like an itch you can't/won't scratch that keeps coming back. Seems absolutely reasonable to me that this drive would feel more and more urgent, and the unrequited letdown would feel more and more uneasy, the longer it goes unscratched, followed by the need for emotional reassurance. As Nick implied, if you're bi things actually could get a little simpler. However, if you're not bi and are instead gay - returning to your wife would be an unmitigated disaster just waiting to happen, imho.

I see several potential options here:
1: invite a mutually-agreed-upon third into your married sex life and see where that leads
2: have your wife bottom you
3: go have safe sex with a guy
4: say "screw it" and continue to have unrequited fantasies that drive you crazy and unhappy

1-3 are all on the table, while so 4 is technically but it's such a shitty option, why do that to yourself?

Part B

We've all thought that at one point or another, but while I am certainly not religious I still believe we are wonderfully made. That part of your brain isn't "broken" or "dirty" or whatever other negative connotation we throw at it. We are adults, seeking consenting relationships that fulfill us emotionally and physically. There is no shame in that. No guilt. As the ever-so-talented TSwift says: shake it off, shake it off.


Caveat: I'm a lawyer, not a shrink so take all my advice with large grains of salt. Preferably on the rim of a glass, with a margarita inside.

 

Good, you're getting frustrated with yourself for your inaction and indecision. Own them. Beat yourself up for them, get dissatisfied that you've allowed yourself to get to this place where you are gay, stuck, bi, stuck, straight, duck, duck, gay duck, stuck, stuck, stuck.

Now that you are dissatisfied and ready for change, here's an idea that will mitigate your risk. Have you filed the divorce paper work yet? If not, don't do it for a year. Then commit to yourself and EC that you will give yourself your best shot at being gay for 1 year. You'll come out as gay to your family and friends. You'll go to meetups for gay nerds. You'll do the hookup thing. You'll do the online dating thing. You'll go to gay bars and clubs. You'll love and accept yourself as a gay man and allow another man to fulfill your fantasy of bottoming. You won't indulge the idea that you can go running back to your wife for cuddling and snuggling.

If after this trial period (and only if you really gave it your best shot at being gay), you can decide your sexual orientation and the fate of your marriage. Until then, however, you are a separated gay man. Of course I expect to hear the usual litany of excuses why this is a terrible idea. We both know they are total bullshit.

I know that it's scary to say and accept that we are gay. We don't want to be gay because it flies in the face of everything we learned growing up. The more you try to resist this truth, the more emotional pain you'll feel. The best way to accept yourself is to do the things that gay men do. You'll begin to find and accept yourself. I know because I was in the same place a little under a year ago and now I'm the happiest and most content I've been in my life. Learn from my experience. Stop wasting your time and money with therapy and talking; they are diversions and provide little marginal value at this point. Get off your ass and start doing. Get some guy into your ass and starting living the life you were born to live (!) ride:

So what do you say nerdbrain - do you accept the Gay for a Year challenge?

 

I'd say SiennaFire's plan is the nuclear option (pronounced just like George Bush, Jr. says it, of course) to my Item #3 above, but it sounds pretty legit. As we say in the South, "time to shit or get off the pot." Not very lady like, but just sayin.

 

MsEmma

Yes, the Gay for a Year challenge is bold and a bit extreme, the nuclear option. Comprehensive and unapologetic action is often necessary to move ahead. I agree that it's time to

• shit or get off the pot
• go big or go home
• put up or shut up

Feeling frustration and anger with oneself is a wonderful tool to propel oneself into action. To feel the fear and do it anyway.

 

I love the Gay for a Year challenge. What a great way to transition or segue into a possible new life with your wife and family. And it's totally customizable! Your wife, friends and family can be in on it too if they're tolerant and accepting.

I'm in an awnry mood today. But if I get to my deadline to come out and let it slip and pass by and then have to start a thread titled " more of the same" somebody slap me, boo me and chew me out.

 

Nerdbrain

To answer your question. No, I have not reinforced to my wife my bisexuality. I did tell her when we were dating, but have not had a discussion about how important my sexual orientation is. I think functionally hetero is fine with her. I do intend on coming out, again, in a month or so. Our intimacy issues are resolving fairly quickly as we are both really working on it. I want my marriage in a good place when I do that.

I think I did mentioned that while I am not OCD (diagnosed), I do have a tendency to obsess over details, issues, relationships, purchases...all of that. One thing I have learned through some of my sports is that I CAN compartmentalize my thoughts if I need to. This can work in everything I do with practice...and it takes a lot of practice to learn to do this with trivial activities (not that sex with my wife is trivial). I just use the same process for a day to day activity that I use on a big wall climb. I do not think about gay sex on a steep ski slope...can't I do that when I am having sex with my wife? My therapist has been teaching me how to do this more effectively.

I do not mean to trivialize your feelings by saying "just stop thinking about it" What I am saying is that there are tools available to help do that.

 

I wish there was a way to "Like" posts here, similar to Facebook.

 

Perhaps you want to take a moment and reflect on one of the quotes in my sig.

 

One question that might be helpful to answer (apologies if you've stated this already, I have read some of your other threads, but not all): Are you attracted to women other than your wife? In other words, does a good looking girl get you going, do you fantasize at all about women?

If you do, if your desires, fantasies, attractions are both to women and as a bottom to men, then you might be bisexual as your actual sexual orientation. Defining it as such could help in deciding how to proceed.

If it's all guys, then it's unlikely you are bi, and there are some good options spelled out in Sienna's and Emma's posts.

I hope I'm not confusing the issue, I'm just trying to eliminate a variable if possible. I wish you happiness whichever route you go.

 

Nerdbrain, when you look back st your teenage years what were your attractions? Do you remember much in the way of 'gayness' during your formative years?

 

Wow, I'm impressed. I had no idea you were this gay

It took some time for everything to come into focus for me. You need to find the right mix of activities that synergistically push you over the edge. I supplemented my support group with a meetup of local LGBT peeps. My personal social calendar is exclusively LGBT. I started chatting with guys on hookup sites because I learned that many guys in my support group met via hookups. I reached out to ex-coworkers who are LGBT. I'm out to most people.

Can you be more specific about how the experiences leave you wanting? Are you allowing yourself to fully experience the moment? Or are you just going through the motions and then trying to convince yourself you're not gay?

I agree that you go running to your wife too easily, and this is probably a form of self-sabotage. Before you decide to burn the bridge (which may be necessary) please consider the thought process in the next paragraph.

There are many side effects as the result of having been in the closet. We've learned how to hide something as fundamental as our sexuality from the world. We've learned patterns of behavior that are counterproductive to being out and proud. For example, being in the closet made it easier for me to lie to myself and live in fantasy land. I'm much more grounded in reality after having come out and it's easier to hold myself accountable (this might help with the Gay for a Year challenge if you can hold yourself accountable for fully emerging yourself). I'm also very guarded about what I share with others as a result of being in the closet. I'm having to work to unlearn this behavior pattern. What are some of your old behavior patterns that may be impeding your progress as a gay man? How can you remediate them?

You mentioned that you are not out. Being out is part of the Gay for a Year challenge. Coming out is a liberating and powerful antidote for shame. By sharing your dirty little secret with others it loses its power over you. Your closet disintegrates as you come out to more people. You begin to love yourself unconditionally as you heal from the shame. Maybe you need to reread The Velvet Rage for some inspiration?

Hope these thoughts help. Things do get better once you start loving yourself unconditionally as a gay man. I wish I had the magic incantation, alas, each of us needs to discover his own incantation as part of our own journey.