I have been dealing with this my whole life. I notice as I've gotten older I always notice women all the time. I always thought since we all acknowledge one another what I did was normal but I've done this since I was a little girl. I grew up crushing or at least thinking that the opposite sex was attractive and I still do but I can't see myself dating, falling in love, marrying, growing older let alone intimacy with a man. I always feel odd about men. I've loved men in my family & swooned over various celebrities but that's not the same type of love. I'm an only child and always loved to sing and had dreams of being onstage but as I get older I didn't want to deal with the effects of fame. I notice I light up when a woman looks at me or I look at her. I had a crush on one of my third grade teachers. I can still remember that lotion or perfume she always wore even now. I am not going to mention any other females but I have basically beat myself up over this and now that I am turning 30 it's all coming together now. I have no idea if I will date fall in love or marry because the whole idea of intimacy freaks me out. It brothers me even more when people who had children younger than me are getting married & I know what they will be doing. I don't see how any man would want to put up with me. I'm highly awkward. I speak too softly. I'm not an overly emotional type of person. I don't know what's wrong with me. I like men but I don't want to get old grow old and maybe that's what's wrong with me. It's embarrassing. I'm so ashamed of myself. I need some personal guidance. I need someone to help. I
I am not sure about some of this. You acknowledge and attraction to both men and women, but it sounds as though you haven't had any intimate relationship with either? You may have some issues in which you could benefit from counseling. You know, helping you sort through all the emotions that seem to be a bit overwhelming.
I've never been intimate with anyone or dated anyone. I've acknowledged the fact that I have noticed women throughout my life but didn't assume that I was one way or the other but knew that at the time I was feeling attracted to my gender.
Im back. Second paragraph There are five and only five basic human emotions. Anger, sadness, joy, fear, and shame. My guess is you are feeling shame about yourself. This does not mean that shame is the only culprit, it's just the one I am writing about here at this time. (limited time). I know now that "an entity" switched on the shame switch within me - my shame switch. To understand how this happened I journaled and looked at pictures and reflected on the pictures. If a picture makes me sad, I write down that it makes me sad and over a short period of time I reflect on possible causes. Sometimes I sit down with a friend at a coffee shop (out of ear shot of others) and have said friend reflect on my analysis. You may ask, what am I doing. Well you are trying to "grow" the logic part of your brain. Make it stronger so you can address the shame. Kind of change in subject. You are a square peg. "Others" are trying to pound you through a round hole. Tell them to fu*k off. Thats right just shout out loud, hey I'm me, leave me alone. I'm a smart person I can find my own way. I just came up with three simple words the other day, just before going to bed. See, feel, reflect. I can FINALLY see guys and see myself loving another man. I can feel him, his love for me and I for him. And I can reflect on the entire experience. You see my guess is, your shame switch got turned on and you are having trouble seeing, feeling, reflecting. Hope this helps.
Many clues here. Please note, I cant say anything that is absolute. You have to go out find your shame switch, turn it off and find out for your self who you are. Not even a therapist can do this for you. Clue 1: I've never been intimate with anyone or dated anyone. Yep same with me. Clue 2: I have noticed women throughout my life Yep same with me except it was guys. Clou 3: I was feeling attracted to my gender. Yep thats it. Disclaimer: Generally speaking, and the research supports it, females are more sexually fluid than guys. This means females can be happy with either sex. Guys it's pretty much gay, not gay.
