Better late than never!

It's been a while since I've posted on EC. Lots of crazy drama, but I guess that's what happens when you come out to your family in your late 20's. For months I've felt like I was two people. One being the public me, married guy focusing on his family a 100%. Then there was the gay me. That drove me crazy! But since coming out, I have been able to put the fake me away.

With honesty comes a whole new list of problems. My wife and I have separated, which has been bitter sweet. I miss her, and often find myself picking up my phone to tell her something funny. Unfortunately, things are not the best between us. She's having a hard time accepting this, so our communication is kind of shit. Either I'm getting hateful messages or I still love you/want you messages. Since that's the case, I've been trying to limit contact. I'm hoping we can file for divorce and settle things amicably, but not sure if she will let go without a fight.

Then there's my parents and siblings. While out for coffee with my mom and one of my younger sisters, they informed me I'm acting gayer?!?! My sister was nice about it, but mom was not. I've been thinking, and other then the obvious (talking about guys openly) I don't feel I'm acting any differently. It bothers me that they implied I was trying to be something I'm not just to prove I'm gay. I got to thinking about it, maybe they are just more sensitive to these things now that I'm open about being gay. I'll mention that the next time it comes up. One of my younger brothers hade been fantastic. Since coming out to him, he has really been here for me. I've hung out with him and his fiance more in the last two weeks then all of last year. I'm able to joke, laugh, just really not have to worry which has been great.

So now I have to figure out how to be a one income household. Lose more weight so I feel more comfortable with dating again. Speaking of dating, I am so ready to get out there and meet people. Doesn't have to be romantic just need to start making friends in the lgbt community. So, I'm ready to be me and don't feel guilty about it. I've spent 6 months worrying about everyone else, now it's time to focus on my. Well let the games begin

 

Justasking100 - you're right. It's just sad to me that this is what it has come to. I'm not responding anymore to anything argumentative. That's all I know to do, and hopefully things will calm down really soon.

Baz - free is the word lol. Even in the middle of arguments, I remember that for the first time ever I'm actually being me. And I'm happy about who I am, that has really helped me stay focused on the outcome I'm hoping for.

Bunny - making friends would be fantastic. Unfortunately there really isn't a lgbt group in my area. The only one I can think of is at a college nearly an hour away. If push comes to shove I'll bite the bullet and go there, I just need some interaction with "my people" lol.

So yesterday was interesting. Had a couple of agreements. I just don't get why people would think I'd choose to hurt them like this for kicks. My future ex is one of them. I'm happy that I'm being honest, and proud to be gay. But hurting her is the worst part, how she could think I'd come out without being sure I'll never understand.

Mom sat me down last night and said "I believed you were straight and your saying that was not true, how can I believe this? I'm just having a hard time believing this." I laughed, out load. I told her first off, no she didn't believe I was straight. If she did she wouldn't have asked me so many times growing up, and offered to give her as much details as she needed to help her believe I'm a flamer. Her response was yea I questioned till you got married. And no I don't need details, I'll figure out this with what I have now. I mean really, if she wants details I'll give them to her. Some of them I've been dying to share anyway, questions about them you know. Although she's not the best choice, she is very anti-masterbation lol. No really very against it, feel bad for her honestly.

Today is a new day, and I'm still pressing forward. It's crazy that a couple months ago I was crying in the bathroom, struggling with this alone. Time seemed to pass so slowly. But guys looking back, it's like a blink. I was scared, didn't like myself, and extremely depressed. I thought I'd lost my whole life, everything. But I was mourning a lie, the person who I lost wasn't real. Looking back I realize I was living like a shadow. People thought I was happy, funny, fun loving. And I am all these things, it's just before I was honest I was completely empty. I thought I was whole, but I wasn't. This process has been hell, and it's not over yet. But I could not imagine spending another day hiding in the closet, life is short and we get one chance. I swear, I'll make the most of mind

 

Baz - thanks for the support man
Cap - it for sure has been a storm I'm hoping I'm coming close to the end but time will tell.
Calf - your response really got me thinking. I've talked to mom and told her I am acting gayer lol because I'm not hiding it. And that I'm sure there is more gayness that will surface as time goes on. Her response to that is it's probably offensive to gay people. She's not thrilled even said I don't need to act like a sissy. I said well calling me a sissy is offensive and the talk continued more to come on that.
OnTheHighway - I'm just glad I have a place to share this journey. EC is honestly the reason I'm still making it.
Traveler - yea I don't want any of the stuff just the divorce. She doesn't want the divorce and could hold it up. That makes me nervous. I'm still trying to discover who I am you know but the process is going to be fun
Angel - your right. I'm never going back in the closet. That's part of the family's issue. I'm not trying to hide the fact I'm gay. But oh well, I'm me so that's what I'll be. It's crazy how much I feel the need to get in shape you know... I mean the whole idea of dating scares me, but boy am I ready for the chance

Guys, the past few days have been crazy. I'm actually in the hospital with my mom. They think she's had a heart attack. Yesterday and the day before I was with my dad's family, my great granny is about to pass. She can't eat at all and refused a feeding tube so it could be any day. Yesterday her son (my grandmother's brother) who was at her house helping had a heart attack. He's stable but has to have open heart surgery. It's risky because he's already had so much done so everyone is a bit nervous. I wonder what it would be like to have a normal day.

Yesterday I did get the chance to talk, in person, with my gay uncle. It was great! He gave me such great advice on what is ahead. Shared some stories and just was so reassuring. I'm happy I got the chance to talk with him about all this. It felt nice being able to chat about my crushing on the guys from Glee lol.

My talk with mom, I realized my relationships are never going to be the same. Several people I'm close to will never really accept me and that's sad. But I'm not living for them, so I'll do what makes me happy. I'm going to have to reevaluate how much these people are going to be in my life. I'm sure I'll be on more today since I'll be staying the night at the hospital.

Side night, mom nurse... He's so cute. She us out of it so I'm flirting hard

 

Hey guys sorry it's been a while. Mom is OK just mild heart attack. My granny passed so things have been busy. There are three reasons my time here had been cut so drastically: 1) how crazy things still are with the separation, mom being sick, losing gramps and Granny in a month. 2) still worried the soon to be ex is following me, but if you are go scratch. 3) I've been chatting with since local guys I've know but didn't realize they were gay so I've got tons to catch you up on.

First issues with the wife. She is constantly calling. and texting and it's just getting to be too much. I've told her I will block her completly if she didn't stop. It may sound harsh but I just can't keep fighting her. She's moved out, even came and took the dog today. Which honestly I'm very sad about. But I'm pushing forward. Of course since outing me to her co workers now family that lives like 1.5 hours away are getting asked lol. Talk about fun

Now things with family. So it's been brought to my attention several family members are constantly taking about me to reach other. Even telling down right lies. I've been reminded I'm going to hell by 3, and basically called a whore by 2 (one actually did call me whore). This pissed me off. I've been trying to lay low and give them time to deal out of respect. But they are showing me no respect so I'm out. Started chatting with some guys locally even meet for coffee. Going to church and lunch with guy tomorrow and meeting some more next week. I'm building a new circle of friends and loving it

I've got some applications in for a job in nearby college town hopefully so be moving there by June. Till then commute I'm not allowing down it backing down living life proud

Tons more details lol so if you want more ask

 

Bunny lol not sure about role model but thanks y'alls support really is a huge motivator in my journey

HereWeGo it really does because some of my family embraces gay people all the time, just not me. But I'm going to keep pushing.

So I've lined up a roommate he's straight. I was worried how that would work. So I flat out said, dude you know I'm gay. I'll be wanting to bring guys over, will that be a problem? His response made me laugh lol he said "depends, will have a problem with me bringing chicks back? Obliviously I said no that wouldn't bother me. He said ok, I didn't see why I would feel any different about who you bring home... So I'm very excited about that.

Well, I think she's agreed to sign the papers. Hopefully that will be done this week. I was hoping to wait till everything was final before I tired anything... I failed! But had a really good time

This process has been hell, and I know it's not over. But I'm loving the journey of self discovery I'll keep you posted