She knows how much I am struggling and she knows I feel like I am drowning and have thoughts about exiting this world. She's at the therapist's now. Before she left, she begged me not to do anything saying: "Please, please, just be yourself. I need you alive. I just want to stand beside you. Just be discreet and don't let me know anything about it. Just please, leave a little room for me. On the one hand, I want to rejoice and yell YES!!! I can be who I am within certain confines. On the other hand, it fucking breaks my heart into a thousand pieces that she would settle for that, knowing that I wasn't committed only to her. She deserves to be fully loved for the beautiful, amazing woman that she is. A straight man to care for her and protect her like I can't. In my fucked up head, telling her I'm gay and trying to hold her hand into understanding means that I DO LOVE HER. Much more so than if I kept living a deceitful double life. Is this just narcissism and sociopathic thought? This is so fucking hard.
It is a step. Have you figured out if she is getting any support from women/men in similar situations? I really think that would help her some. Are you doing any kind of counseling together? A safe place where you can share your thoughts about her servings better. Perhaps as she progresses with her own therapy it will get easier to get her to seek more support. Has she read the information about MOM marriages? How will you feel if she dates as well?
As far as I know, she has not reached out to anyone else. I know that she initially read the straight spouse network pages. We have not done any joint therapy sessions since before Xmas. I like to think I would be ok if she decided to date as well. I certainly couldn't hold it against her. What scares/upsets/makes me uneasy is that she is clinging so tightly to me that 1) it is in many ways pushing me away 2) extremely unhealthy for her. I think her therapy session went well this afternoon. I'll find out later tonight. Hopefully, she will begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so worried about her (classic co-dependent behaviour on MY part)....
I'm so happy that you guys have started moving in a happier direction again. You sound as if some weight has eased off your heart.
Taxodium, sometimes your posts feel like you've been inside my head. It's really hard to communicate how much this situation sucks to others. A lot of people are relieved to be free of their opposite-sex spouses and embrace their gay lives. But when you genuinely love (or are codependent with) your wife, you are faced with an impossible choice. How do you sacrifice your closest relationship and deeply hurt the one you have promised to protect? For what? To go towards a highly uncertain future? Reinvent your self concept and replace it with one you never wanted? It really feels like being forced or railroaded by one's own mind. That said, the pragmatist in me says that there are people in far shittier circumstances who adapt and survive. People in Africa eat termites. That guy in 127 hours hacked off his own hand. They accepted the realities of their situations and acted. But it still feels like a loss. Nobody wants to do those things. You're making desperate adaptations to survive. I suspect that over time, I could probably achieve a satisfying relationship with a guy. But I can't imagine that I will ever feel "gay pride." At best, I think I might feel like it's a handicap I've managed to overcome. Like those guys who play wheelchair rugby. They aren't proud to be handicapped -- they've just made the best of a shitty situation. They don't have "crippled pride" parades, and they'd love to have their damn legs back.
I think it's quite possible to love her and not want to be married to a straight woman. These things can coexist. I think your instincts are quite right that an open marriage that is reluctantly initiated won't go anywhere good, and it will go to that bad place fast. Good luck friend
