Since coming out to the wife, I have been going through a broad range of emotions. Today, I have had a huge feeling of loss. We're not yet split up, but I am going to be moving to a separate bedroom soon. I wish this didn't have to be, but I know it's the right thing. Wife was looking for ways to "cure" me a couple nights ago. Her friend had asked if I had thought about hypnosis, asked if I had heard of Joseph Nicolosi, about reparative therapy? Yes, I had thought about hypnosis, called a few hypnotherapists. Yes, I've heard about Joseph Nicolosi and reparative therapy. I've read tons of books, I've searched what feels like the entire internet looking for a way to somehow repair myself. I told her I've tried finding a way for over 14 years (I didn't say it in a mean way, I was trying to let her know that I have tried finding a way). She started crying and said, "I'm just trying to help." I know, but if there were a way to really "cure" homosexuality, it would be spread all over the news? It's who I am and I've decided to accept it. Why would anyone choose it? If they chose to be homosexual, why would it be so hard to come out of the closet? Nobody wants to be ridiculed or put down for being what they can't control. We had a discussion last night about an open marriage until the time when finances are right for me to move out. We set boundaries for now, but things are moving forward. We aren't even looking at me leaving the house until about 2018, though we will both be able to start looking/dating other people once school is out for my son and we have a talk with him. So am I crazy now that I'm feeling such a huge loss right now?
Seems like very normal grieving of a major part of your life. I feel the sense of loss when I think about the future and envision a new life when I come out. You're way ahead of me there; you're living it. I remember the grief I had just leaving college, the friends, the routine. Everyday gets in the way and feels comfortable, safe and easy. Of course you'll feel loss. But we are very adaptable creatures and when things change especially when we make a choice that is right all else fits into place eventually.
Oh, man. I know exactly where you are. I have researched reparative therapy and I would do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would work. My wife keeps telling me how much she loves and how she wants to help me "cope" that we can do this together. I keep responding, "Don't you know that I WANT to be straight? I did NOT *choose* this!! I would give ANYTHING to be straight, but this is bigger than me and I simply CANNOT win against it. It's like trying to change the colour of my eyes." I feel a great sense of loss, too. It sucks.
I think you both need to slow the dating down. You each need to start healing from all that has just happened or you could each make some really bad choices. I read one of your posts the other day about her finding love soon again (or some such thing). Generally speaking, and there are exceptions, rebound relationships, are not a long term thing. Moving on shouldn't be easy. Also, can you bring dates back to the house? Have you set ground rules? If you are financially tied to each other, then you need to be careful not to upset the apple cart, so to speak.
Grieving the loss is the end-stage of the stages of loss. (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). Yes, it's a huge loss and what you're feeling is completely normal. It's also normal to ask yourself if you're making the right decision, if you shouldn't suddenly pull the plug and go back to what you were doing before... all of that is very common. As is desperately looking at ridiculous things like reparative therapy which, as you already know, have a dismal outcome and never actually achieve their goal. So much so that the largest ex-gay organization, Exodus, disbanded, and their founder apologized, personally and on behalf of the organization, for harming so many people. The best I can offer is to say you sound like you're on the right path so I'd suggest just staying the course, and doing the best you can to keep communication lines open.
