So the denial phase was me arguing with myself that 'your not gay' 'you are' a constant battle in my head. Now that I've admitted to myself that I'm gay, that voice in my head is saying I'm not gay and I'm left with that battle now. An endless argument. Did anyone coming out of denial for a long time find themselves arguing in their head a lot, even after you had resolved your true feelings. I guess the arguments in the head are one thing that may just die down over time??? Can anyone relate? Is it simply a case of still trying to get comfortable with liking the same sex??
I have that all the time. Less so as I am out to more people. I'd think "damn he's cute" and immediately following think "damn I'm so gay" but my internal tone is negative. Since being out, I follow up by thinking it's OK. It's OK to be gay and it's how I am.
My definition of coming out to myself is the time I accepted I was gay. At that point, all debates in my head ceased. Thereafter, I started my process of coming out to the world.
Justasking100, My experience wasn't as binary as OTH's. Even after coming out to myself as gay where I intellectually accepted that I was gay, I had periods where my internalized homophobia still made appearances as a voice in my head. It took me another 10 months or so to get fully comfortable and purge most of the internalized homophobia and shame. I had same-sex experiences before coming out, whereas I don't believe that you did. That's probably another factor here. These will die down as you become more comfortable with yourself.
Oh, yes I can definitely relate.. it's part of the bargaining process of basically realizing/coming to terms with the fact that you're gay and it's been one of the main things that's confused me sexuality-wise. I'm pretty sure I have these voices in my head because part of me still wishes I were straight and therefore tries to make up these bullshit excuses as to how there's no way I'm actually gay. I don't expect them to go away until I've fully accepted myself but at least at this point I feel quite confident in them being rooted in internalized homophobia and not actually a sign that I like the opposite sex.
I can definitely relate. I became great at compartmentalizing. I would think that yeah I'm attracted to guys, but of course I'm not actually gay. You don't realize how exhausting those mental gymnastics are until you really decide to deal with it.
Siena - masculine. I was drunk which didn't help so can't remember a huge amount but it was arousing!!
I'm so excited for you, it's great to hear you're getting yourself out there and experiencing this stuff.
I think I just did it backwards! After coming out to myself and others, it then took me a long while to deal with the shame and internalized homophobia. ---------- Post added 22nd Apr 2016 at 02:56 PM ---------- Drunk or not, that's fantastic!