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internalized homophilia and pride

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SiennaFire, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. SiennaFire

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    There's been a lot of discussion about internalized homophobia and shame here on EC. Today I want to focus on their opposite - internalized homophilia and pride. I'm not entirely sure where this is coming from; however, I've been experiencing a surge of internalized homophilia and pride. My love and acceptance of myself as a gay man continue to grow for reasons I cannot explain rationally. For example, I recently made a donation to the LGBTQ organization of my alma mater, and it feels amazing after all these years to be out and able to help support a cause that's meaningful to me.

    With most of my internalized homophobia and shame largely purged, I feel that I no longer have one foot on the brake. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm beginning to address obsolete behavior patterns (for example, living in fantasy land and not being open and vulnerable with others). Now I'm rediscovering parts of my self, such as my healthy retentiveness and focus on the fundamentals. I'm also finding my own voice, which is my old self integrated with my authentic self.

    Can others relate?
     
    #1 SiennaFire, Apr 22, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2016
  2. Kasey

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    I was wondering what internalized homophilia was?
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homophile
     
  4. yeehaw

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    I think I'm finally really allowing myself to see and feel and maybe begin to understand my internalized homophobia and shame, which feels awful, but also oddly reassuring--mostly because it gives me something clear and specific to target (lately I've just been working on things that feel more vague to me, like "depression" and "suicidal ideation.") Anyway, I'm not 100% sure about how to work on internalized homophobia and shame, but damn it feels pretty good to understand the opposite--homophilia and pride. I WANT THOSE, which feels better to me than only knowing what I don't want. So thank you, sienna fire, for giving me something real and good to reach for--that seems better to me than just trying to escape what I don't want.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    I feel the same as yeehaw, I love the goal of reaching towards something so positive.

    So happy to hear more good things from you siennafire, I'm always so happy to see you post and to hear about your progress and the things you're learning and discovering.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Well, no one can complain about all the charitable giving when feeling the euphoria! Just don't go broke over it :slight_smile:

    From my experience, the pendulum certainly swings from one far side all the way to the other and continues to go back and forth a bit until, I suspect, it comes to a rest in the center.

    I say "I suspect" because of where I am on the pendulum - I had the extreme shame and internalized homophobia, then swung all the way to pride and homophilia, with subsequent smaller instances of the former and back to the later.

    Today, some things still trigger the shame - when I see what NC legislatures did for example, but then they are short lived and offset by events such as the emotional speech I heard from a transgender southern teenager expressing all his accomplishments with his mom standing by his side.

    Aside from these acute events, I think I seem to have found a proper balance; and find myself content these days; but if the wrong politician were to win office for presidency, I think my emotions might get the better of me.
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Apr 22, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2016
  7. bingostring

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    I also donate to LGBT charities and it feels an excellent thing to do.
     
  8. ellyy

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    This is an awesome thread even though I can't relate.
    You already mentioned a bit what made you reach this point of acceptance but could you go more in depth with it, if possible? And do you think coming out in itself helped shape this sense of pride since so many people say that it does help to alleviate internalized homophobia? I'm not sure if I would feel much better by coming out but it might be one of those things that you can't really predict beforehand.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    Yes, coming out to others is a very powerful way to help heal the shame because the closet and your secret lose their power over you. You declare to the world that you are gay. You begin to live authentically and proudly. You are liberated!

    I’ve been wanting to update my blog post about healing the shame of being gay, so I used this opportunity to do so.


    Hopefully you'll find that this provides a comprehensive view of healing the shame.
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  10. angeluscrzy

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    I have always felt very closed off to others. I have no friends to speak of, only acquaintances. As I inch more and more towards self acceptance tho, I am finding that I crave actually having a social circle. Most of my life has felt like I'm just going thru the motions and Fantasy Land is definitely where I've spent most my time. The only problem I'm having now is trying to figure how to undo a lot of those behaviors. Being so closed off and guarded for so long, I worry that my social skills are not up to par, and I'm actually rather suspicious of anyone who attempts to hold any conversation with me outside of meaningless, quick small talk.
     
  11. SiennaFire

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    angeluscrzy

    Compared to coming out to your ex, this is easy! You need to meet other gay men and develop a network of gay friends. I see several approaches for meeting guys, with a combination of them being ideal.
    • Meetups/support groups - Are there any gay meetups or support groups in your area? That may be the perfect venue for meeting gay friends in real life.
    • Gay bars - Hopefully there are some gay bars in your area where the music isn't so loud that you can actually talk to guys.
    • Hookup apps - OK, this isn't obvious but it's a hidden gem. You can hold conversations with gay guys using hookup apps behind the safety and convenience of your keyboard and then proceed to real life if that makes sense. Look for apps that have web interfaces unless you prefer typing on your phone.
    Regardless of which combination you go for, realize that everyone is there for the same reason, to meet guys, so there's no need to be nervous or suspicious. If a guy is talking to you, he wants to get into your pants :slight_smile: In fact, it's a lot easier for me to be open and honest around other gay guys because I don't have anything to hide around them. Think about it, that's a really powerful insight. We have nothing to hide around other gay guys!

    Another approach is to declare that you need help with your social skills and enlist the help of the meetup or support group. I've used that successfully myself.

    HTH
     
    #11 SiennaFire, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  12. angeluscrzy

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    I actually have two of those hookup apps on my phone. I stated in both I'm not looking for hookups, but rather to meet and get to know someone first. I'm sure that probably lessens my chance of responses, but I'm not just gonna whore myself out either. One of the apps, I only seem to get "likes" from guys who want you to watch their cam stream or some crap, or from guys I just don't find appealing, or really young guys. I don't like the whole "daddy" thing, I've got kids and not looking to support another.
    A lot of times it just feels like there are so many hurdles to overcome so that I can find myself in a position to date. Paralyzing shyness don't exactly work in my favor either it seems. And as a single father working 7 days a week don't leave much time to work on changing that. Oh well, I just keep trudging along and figure one of these days the stars will align.
     
  13. baristajedi

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    Thank you for sharing this. I'm definitely going to read through the updated blog post.
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    I've recently reversed my opinion of hookup apps. I thought they were bad until I discovered that many partnered guys have met via hookups. You can chat with guys without being a whore. Not every guy who's into the daddy thing is looking to be supported. Try to keep an open mind on all fronts.

    I would drop the statement of not looking for hookups and trying to get to know someone first from your profile. They are not serving your interests. Indicate in your profile that you are looking for 1-1 sex, friendship, dating, and LTR. Indicate via prose that you are looking for a regular thing. See what happens. You can always qualify yourself once you start chatting with guys. Your goal is to interact with guys online.

    You need to own your life choices and not feel negative about them. Break dating into baby steps. Make sure you budget your time to include time for these activities. Any time that you spending being gay is highly leveraged because it will help you feel better about yourself because you are living authentically. You will accept yourself on a much faster trajectory.

    We can discuss in more detail later if this resonates with you.

    Best,
    SF
     
    #14 SiennaFire, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  15. angeluscrzy

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    Thank you, I will have to try that stuff. And I actually find myself reading on this forum a lot because I often feel a strong desire to just immerse myself in gay oriented things. It helps me feel more "real".
     
    #15 angeluscrzy, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  16. SiennaFire

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    I was trying to post before running out to run some errands, so I hope post #14 didn't seem too terse. Immersing yourself in gay oriented things is a great approach, and doling so helped me feel more "real" about being a gay man. Hookup apps are a great way to chat with guys online, and it seems like a natural way to supplement EC for you. Even better if you find a guy you connect with :slight_smile:
     
  17. angeluscrzy

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    I'm hopeful, but also cautious. I really need to overcome some shyness and keep in mind that nothing is gonna change unless I get myself out there. I can honestly say that from reading things you and others have posted on here, that it has made accepting myself much easier than expected. I've wanted so many times over the years to just be out, and even if it is little steps, at least I'm trying to move forward. It feels good.
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    I was shy when I was in the closet because I was trying to hide parts of me. As I came out, I had less need to hide and became less shy and more expressive than when I was in the closet. Hopefully you'll find something similar as you push yourself to rethink and relearn how you interact with and relate to others. I definitely had to push myself to get out there and do things that were uncomfortable, so you are on the right track.
     
  19. angeluscrzy

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    :icon_biggThank you.
     
  20. biAnnika

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    Does it count that I have internalized biphilia and unbridled queer-positivity? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    So glad you're feeling this, SF!