Hi guys! First time poster. I'm just looking for a bit of support and a chance to vent really! Basically I'm a 29 year old guy who today finally came out to my entire family. It went really well thankfully and it's one thing that I can now tick off my to do list for 2016! I'm really trying to change my life for the better in 2016. But my confidence and overall self esteem is quite poor. I was bullied relentlessly all throughout school and although it was over 10 years ago it caused me to develop social anxiety feelings that haunt me to this day. I was mocked for my body. I am tall and thin ( 6' 2'') and I weigh just 10 stone. I was never diagnosed with Marfan's syndrome but from a physical perspective I have the same body structure as those with the condition. I can't gain any weight and I just feel so self conscious about my skinny features so much so that I have to wear multiple layers of clothing (pants and sweaters) in order to bulk myself up when in public. I do this everyday and if I don't then I can't leave my house. Even despite my efforts to look presentable in public I've heard random strangers yell loser at me on occasions and it hurts. I really want to find love this year and make some new friends in the LGBT community as currently I have no gay mates. All my friends are straight and kinda homophobic. I feel my poor self esteem comes from a combination of the bullying I endured and my poor body image. I can't imagine letting anyone see me naked and don't know how I can change this. I've considered hiring a personal trainer as I really want to bulk up. Has anyone else here ever had to deal with social anxiety? It really prevents my true personality from shining through. Anyhow rant over! Apologies for long message just needed an outlet to vent. I'm so happy that I've finally come out and just hoping now that I can start building my confidence this year too! Dom
I think you will find, as the days progress, the confidence boost you just got from coming out to your family will have a massive impact on your self esteem! It may not be aparent at the moment, but it will as time progresses. And with this boost in confidence, you might find your self taking other baby steps that will further boost your confidence. Whether it is finding others to come out to (even if not your core group of friends), attending LGBT events or functions, etc etc. The physical image you described to be sounds very attractive quite frankly. And I am sure many people would say the same thing. Your perception of your physical appearance, as you already suggested, is tied to your historically low self esteem (I say historically because your already on your way to fixing it). Focus less on your appearance, and focus more on taking baby steps to build your confidence. Even your social anxiety, over time, can evolve and improve as well!
Thank you so much for your reply. It really means so much. I do tend to focus an awful lot on my appearance which I feel is really driving my anxiety. Despite this I do feel a surge of confidence having come out. It's as if a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I'm still full of insecurities but I'm really trying to push through them all to get the life I want. Thanks again! And apologies for late reply!! ---------- Post added 10th May 2016 at 04:46 AM ---------- Hi guys, I would really appreciate your thoughts and opinions. Basically I'm almost 29 and I've just recently come out to everyone. I literally put my love life on hold my entire life until now for religious reasons and societal pressure (homophobic environment). I feel great having come out, but I suffer from low self esteem and chronic social anxiety. This has really prevented me from living the life I wanted all these years and I get so upset thinking about the life I could of lead had I of sought help sooner. At 29 I still feel and look young. However I'm shocked to learn that people view anything outside 30 within the lgbt community is old? I suppose I can't fathom why this obsession with age is such a big deal within our community. I mean it's not as if we have the same demands placed on us as straight people e.g. have kids by such and such a age etc (although I understand many gay people want kids). I guess all this obsession with age gas stirred up some further angst with myself and my own situation. There are many mile stones in my life that I've never had a chance to experience yet and now I'm being told I'm too old. I just want to experience everything now from clubbing, to intamacy, to getting a boyfriend and even travelling. Is there really anything wrong with this?
I am dealing with the same social anxiety that you describe, I was bullied all through school and it has had an effect on me as well. Try not to focus on the past it is gone and dead, instead keep looking forward at a positive and happy life. I would not worry about your appearance as much as you do. Don't be so hard on yourself, I like OnTheHighway find that slim build attractive. Your idea on getting a trainer is not a bad one, exercising has many positive effects including being a confidence builder. Once you start seeing the results you become pretty motivated. If a trainer is too expensive there are several books on diet and exercise also. As far as your friends are concerned, if they are true friends they will accept you for who you are. However I also think you should try and make some gay friends as well. Try a social media sight, or see if there are any LGBT groups in your area, go to a gay bar, or maybe you know someone who is gay already and you can come out to them as well. I wish you the best of luck my friend!!! Be Happy!!! I also think Ireland is pretty cool and would love to take a trip there one day.
Preface: I weigh less than you at 135(just under 10 stone) and an nearly 6ft I was also mocked, and made fun of in school cause I was very thin. I don't bulk up my clothing anymore. It became to physically uncomfortable for me.. I wonder if it's the Clothes you are wearing (layers) that cause the comments? I don't get that anymore. I do have the syndrome you spoke about. If you also have a indent in the chest or a bump, see a Dr. Matt be nothing, but you don't want to ignore this thing if it's there. I wear short sleeves almost exclusively, but hate shorts. Anyway, I've gotten a date, and real friends. YOU CAN TOO! Just try to dress appropriately, I think that's your worst enemy at this point. The thin look is highly regarded by many. You may even be cute/hot and don't know it because it hides behind your walls (extra clothes) Hooe that helps
Domo2016, congratulations on coming out! I'm just a few years older than you at 32, but feel we have a lot of common ground. I struggle with body image and self esteem on the other end of the weight spectrum, as I have been significantly overweight for most of my life. Like you, I also endured intense bullying due to my weight and the perception that I was gay. The painful effects of the bullying have remained with me. Though I have been out to many family and friends for a number of years, my physical insecurities have prevented me from pursuing any kind of romantic relationship. As you have also written, the idea of someone seeing me naked really, really scares me. About a year ago, I finally became motivated to take action in bettering myself and began an exercise routine that has resulted in me losing 25 pounds (1.8 stone). I am beginning to build up my confidence, but I still need to lose about 25 more pounds before I'm at my ideal weight. I've decided to make 2016 a year of real transformation and personal growth, which sounds like what you're going for as well. Like you, I often have anxiety that I've waited too long to try and build the life I want for myself, but the truth is that we're still relatively young and we still have time to shape our futures. I'm starting to realize that it's pointless to compare ourselves to other people or to think there was a "right" age when any of this could have/should have happened. Our journeys have been our journeys and our struggles have been our struggles and the important thing is that we take the wisdom we gained in our first 30-ish years of life and use it to help us propel ourselves in positive and affirming directions going forward. We have a lot to be proud of and we've got to believe that good things are on the horizon and that we deserve them. Best wishes to you on your next phase of the journey and congratulations again on taking such an important step!
Guys thanks so much for all your responses. I am overwhelmed with everyones kindness here and my apologies for this late reply. I do see this as a year of personal transformation and having just come out to everyone, i feel great. My only major fear right now relates to my body image. No joke, I feel i look unhealthy and in the past when I didnt layer my clothing i was repeatedly asked have u eating disorder? The rudeness of some people amazes me. Despite my real thin frame, I've been told I have a handsome face which is nice. But I would really like to be able to undress in front of others but I'm deeply embarrased. I have started working out to try build some mass tho so I guess I'm a work in progress (my legs are literally like knitting needles) :bang: Anyhow I would like to start using some of the dating apps to get my face 'out there'. My main motivation for this is to try build friendships and connections with the gay community. Do you think its pointless using this approach? I mean most guys on them use these apps for sex and I'm not quite ready to 'expose' myself just yet until i get over my body hang ups. Could I still use these apps to make new friends do u think?? Thanks again
