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If it were not for my kids, I'd off myself, I reckon.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Damien, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. Damien

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    I never, ever understood suicidal people. Until now. If it were not for my dear children, who I love as much as my own self, I'd end my miserable life, I think. (Parents who take their own lives, are terribly selfish; imagine the pain kids must feel; no, I could never do that to them.) Or maybe, just drown out all the pain in a haze of drugs (probably just smoke weed all day). Not because I'm Bi (I actually love being Bi), but because I'm a strange looking person who is, in midlife, unlikely to ever meet anyone again, with whom there is mutual attraction, to the extent that they would want to be my lover. It happened when I was younger, but something has changed in the last few years. Nothing ever happens, nothing at all, on that front. I have a strong sex drive, but fantasy is all I ever have, to satisfy my desires. I'd even settle for a girlfriend (I'd prefer a guy, my curiosity regarding that is stronger than ever, but at my age, dream on, hey?), but...I don't know why I just can't seem to motivate myself to try for that, either. I never thought I'd get to this place, fellow members. If this post triggers anyone, please report it, and I give mods permission to delete it at once. I hope it's not an irresponsible post. I guess it shows how sad I feel, that I'm even writing something like this. Thanks for reading.
     
    #1 Damien, Apr 22, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2016
  2. yeehaw

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    I've been dealing with big suicidal ideation recently. The kids though, totally unwilling to do that to them. Sometimes it pissess me off that they are such a big barrier to suicide being a real option. But it's not. And I find that I'm even willing to fight hard to remain as sane as possible, for them, even when it feels like I just can't fight any more.

    So here we are, wanting to be dead, but not dead, and also talking about it with people who get it. Probably that's a good thing. And I hope it's an OK thing to talk about here. That seems better to me than letting it quietly brew and fester inside. (Though I do understand if it becomes a safety issue for others.) For whatever reason, today is an easier day for me. So that's nice. I hope you get some easier days too.
     
    #2 yeehaw, Apr 22, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2016
  3. OnTheHighway

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    Why do you think your age has anything to do with finding a guy? Image is all about the attitude you project, appearances are not as important as your leading yourself to believe - don't let Media hype define what attraction is supposed to mean.

    The question for you is, what are you going to do to find satisfaction? Being down on yourself is not going to get you anywhere, but being proactive may open the door for you to actually find happiness.

    Read about all the success of others later in life, read about all those whom are in the middle of their journey, people are being proactive and doing something about improving their life's and living authentically. You CAN do the same!
     
  4. Damien

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    It is a good thing, and in fact even before any replies had come, it felt like a catharsis of sorts, just to get it out on paper (so to speak). Thanks for understanding how I feel, and you know, when we think about the love we have for our kids - the wish for their welfare and happiness - we also ought to think of our own happiness, because a happy parent is able to parent better. I wish both you, and I, healing and maybe sometimes, to enjoy those peaceful moments that can arise, even during a depressive spell there can be moments of light, that can remind us of the good things we do actually have, and not to only dwell on the negatives.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2016 at 05:57 PM ----------

    I had hit 'rock bottom' when I wrote that original post. I actually feel a bit better now, I went for a walk, focussed on the walking (rather than my obsessive, negative thoughts) and you know, I contemplated: imagine if i had just been released from prison, and was now free again, able to be in my lovely, secluded little unit, walk freely as I like...even with no partner, and very few friends, I would feel as though I were in Heaven, just to be free and have what I have right now. So yes, it is hard for me often when I get feeling all sorry for myself, a bit excessive it can get at times, but you are correct, because as I began to cheer up a little, I noticed how people also responded to me better as well, people smile back, etc, yes even an odball like myself is more attractive when smiling contentedly. I guess I hit the absolute pits, and got creative, imagining I had just been released out of prison, and was here, all alone, no partner, few friends, but FREE, with shelter, food, clean water, safety...and I realized that maybe I sometimes wallow a bit TOO much about my loneliness, which is distressful and long-term, yes, but as you said, there ARE things I can do about it. Thank you for your reply also. (I'll talk about this another place, cos the guy issue is a bit embarrassing - I sort of have a thing for guys a bit younger than myself, know what I mean? - and honestly, I don't blame younger guys for preferring each other, to someone my age - so I ought to just suck it up and accept that, I guess (so to speak).
     
    #4 Damien, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  5. CapColors

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    Hey man, I'm sorry you felt sad. I think you sound better and more realistic in the replies you sent. People of all sorts meet other people of all sorts who want to date them. And everyone gets weird looking as they age, even once hot people.

    I think the trick is to be your best self so that people will come to you. It's fucking tough, though. I do get that.

    Hugs
     
  6. angeluscrzy

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    I've felt the same before many times. Tired of the way I work now as a single parent and having to pay everything myself. There are many days I wonder how I maintain my sanity. I know I am much better off that I have kids to think of. They're what helps keep me motivated to do what I need to do. No real advice, just wanted to say I relate.
     
  7. MayButterfly

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    I totally understand. My grandfather committed suicide, from a broken heart and now today I finally understand how he could not deal with that crushing pain. My trigger broke up with me today and is moving away because she has some demons to kill to help her be her best person, and she is unable to stay and let me help her. She thinks she is hurting me more by staying. So... Fuck yes I have for a second thought I can't bear this pain. But I am a motherless daughter, not by her choice though, and I absolutely will not choose to make my kids motherless. Losing your mother is the worst, I don't want my kids to deal with that for a long time.

    Big hugs to you and everyone else hurting today. (&&&)
     
  8. TAXODIUM

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    I have been battling this idea for several months now. I actually starting working on a list of things that I need to get done before / if I decide it's time to exit. Insurance, will, paying off certain bills, etc.

    I've also told my wife that I truly believe that she and everyone would be better off without me around. Who wants a gay husband, dad, brother, son, friend, especially in this conservative place where I live. I'm going to hell anyway for being gay anyway, right ?

    These are the thoughts that dominate my days. I've been relatively stable for the last 2 days, but every time it comes back, it's almost obsessive...and like you, the only thing that keeps me here is my beautiful kids.

    Hang in there, Damien. You're not alone in your struggle.
     
    #8 TAXODIUM, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  9. nerdbrain

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    If all the gays are in hell, then hell must be fabulous!

    (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
     
  10. afgirl

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    I've thought the same thing, about my children that is. Because of that, I don't think I could ever leave them that way. Not that I really contemplate it all that much, but I think everyone has a moment somewhere in their life where the thought enters their heads. It's just that most people don't want to admit it.

    Hang in there, though, and quite using your age as an issue. I really hate the age thing, because your age doesn't define you. BTW, I happen to be your same age and things are going just fine after a very very long dry spell.

    I am glad to hear things are a little better now and hope everything goes well. Please keep posting.
     
  11. nsantana

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    For any of my friends here who are even thinking of suicide is a way to move forward, please pick up the phone and speak with a professional if you don't already have a therapist or physician you can talk to.

    Too many LGBT people end their lives, and we all have too much to live for whether we are 15 or 55.
     
  12. AndyG

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    I've never gotten to that point of actually wanting to be dead. However, the day I found this site I was in such despair that for the first time I had the smallest glimpse of how hopelessness can drive a person to such depths. Because of my kids, I was able to ignore the thoughts and feelings of wanting to be with a man, of wanting to love another man for years. When they turned 18 I felt I had crossed some hurdle, and with nothing left to distract me panic and depression hit hard. I immediately got professional help and it's changing my life for the better.

    I can definitely relate my friend... I kept looking for a way not to come out because I felt I would always be lonely. I'm on my 9th month in therapy with someone fantastic. This has slowly improved my mood... I started eating better, getting sleep and working out. My self esteem is rising and I'm beginning to form a more positive outlook going forward. Through other forums, I have actually met a few other men in my situation. Just to talk, nothing else... What I'm discovering is that even at 50 (older than you!) there are plenty of guys who are interested. I think because of our maturity and experience, especially that of having raised children, you bring a whole other set of valuable life experiences to the table.

    Anyhow, you sound like you might be doing better. I would encourage you to find someone to continue the discussion with. There will be a time when your children have their own lives and you might find that you need to do something for YOU.
     
  13. pinkgorilla

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    For what it's worth I'm a guy in my mid twenties who thinks men look best in their forties-love older guys. There's plenty of us out there.
     
  14. Mr B

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    I totally relate to your despair. Actually I was just thinking about that sort of stuff before coming back to EC after a long break (syncronicity or selective bias, who knows!?)

    Anyway, for me is not just about my life, I am actually very fortunate in many respects. Its more about the crazyness and meaninglessness of this fucked up world. So much stupidity, so much hate, so much egoism, so much ignorance, etc... and the worse is, I see myself in the mirror and I am exactly like THEM: just another ignorant, arrogant, pretentious and selfish bastard! I am just another little insignificant and fearful human animal in the merciless and cold jungle of 'civilization'.

    I imagine how death is the ultimate form of freedom, just ceasing to exist, an eternal dreamless night, pure nothingness. What a blessing! Just the physical process of dying, the pain of a dying body scares me a little bit.

    Then I see my children and I can't believe how naïve I was, of throwing two into this shitty and bleak world, how is this place going to look like in 50 or 70 years? Will they have to pay for breathing oxygen? Now I cannot let them down and I promise to myself that I will try my best to raise them as best as I can into strong and independent adults.

    I guess this is a universal experience in midlife, and there are moments, such as when the whole family is having a laugh together, or when I see my kids dancing, that make me think life is worth living, even if it does not last forever, and I try to enjoy the moment, after all, I could be dead by tomorrow, or we all, if some people decide to press some red buttons, or an asteroid hits, or a neutron star explodes next to us, a supervirus epidemic breaks out, or whatever.