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Married/questioning

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Drew56, Apr 23, 2016.

  1. Drew56

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    Hi! So this is my first post on this forum. I wasn't sure where to post this, but the later in life forum seemed to make the most sense, so admins, please feel free if this seems to be the incorrect place. So just to give everyone a quick background of who I am, and my "dilemma"... I am a 28 year old guy, I am happily married to a woman, who was also my high school sweetheart. I love her dearly and can't imagine my life without her. But, that being said, over the past 2-3 years my sexuality seems to have shifted a bit, and I am finding that I am very attracted to men. This isn't something that is a sudden onset or anything like that. I have had gay dreams/fantasies ever since puberty, however back then they were few and far between and I could just brush them off as my hormones were going crazy. Anyways, like I said before, I met my wife a little over 10 years ago, I still love her very much, and our sex life is still great. My concern is that I now almost exclusively fantasize about sex with men. I mean I still think women are beautiful and I check pretty girls out all the time... but that is sort of where it stays in my head now. The only woman I think I would want to have sex with right now is my wife, which I think is really due to the amazing emotional connection that we have. I have pretty much always found men attractive as well, but it has never been yhis intense before. The thought of having sex with a man is so much more exciting to me right now. I honestly don't care if I am gay, bi, straight... somewhere in between. From my point of view sexuality is something that continues to evolve over time. I guess I'm just looking for affirmation that there are others out there that feel the same way. I'm also concerned that my "gay" feelings will continue to dominate my sexual thoughts and ruin my marrige. I would never... ever cheat on my wife. Cheating is cheating, regardless of it being with abother woman or man. I just want my marrige to work and to continue be happy. I haven't really discussed my feelings much as of yet with my wife. I need to figure everything out for myself first. She does know that I find men attractive and that I've had gay dreams/fantasies... she has even confided to me that she has had dreams/fantasies about other women as well (however she firmly insists that she would never act on them). But anyways, I'm not sure if anyone else out there is in a similar situation, or feels the same way... but thank you for reading my long post!
     
  2. Bazinga87

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    You and me are in the exact same circumstances. Go back and read my posts from the last three weeks please. You will get some good advice from that.

    Little back story. Married my high school sweetheart, I'm 28 been with here 10 years married 5. We had expressed some feelings in the past but they were never acted upon or anything like that.

    So now, three weeks ago I found EC and got some great advice. I wasnt sure about bi or gay but figured out I am bi first. I then got a therapist and the day after seeing him I talked to the wife.

    The first conversation was emotion filled and I reassured her I don't want to leave her or see other women I just want to explore with a man. Few days go by and the second conversation happend. She said that she was open to explore this with me and may explore with a woman herself but she had to be around anytime there was play. We also picked ourselfs up a "harness" and "attachment" for her to wear to simulate an experience.

    She loves it. The dynamic of her being in charged has really got her going and I love it because it's very close to what I want. It's brought us both closer and opened up a lot of good communication between us. I keep assuring her that I'm not looking for love I'm looking for friends and sex.

    I know you said you have kind of talked about it before with your wife which is like us and my wife said while we were talking that she thought it was a passing feeling before but now that it's coming back she realizes it's something more. She doesn't want to lose me and I her so we are listening to an audio book called Opening Up By Tristan tarino. Its kind of a guide of making up the rules for a couple that wants to open the marriage. Whether it's opening up for full swap swingers, opening up for a third to join the marriage/relationship, or just opening up for some guy on guy / girl on girl once in a while. Trust and open communication will be key. It's good you never cheated , I didn't either, so that's a point I brought up when talking. That reassures her your commitment to her is valid and you want her help to figure yourself out.

    Like my therapist said, woman like to nurture emotions and help or fix feelings, if you bring her in to this under the preface that you need her help with it and you can't do it without her, your essentialy connecting to a deeper part of her and she will be more apt to understand you can't control these emotions and more apt to help you.

    I hope my 2 cents helps you out. I gunna send ya a friend request because I wanna help you out here. This place helped me so much and I want to give back as well. You've found a great place to figure this all out
     
  3. Adray

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    Welcome to EC! This is a great place to discuss all kinds of issues, exactly as you've begun here.

    I am bisexual and happily married and monogamous. My wife is straight. Monogamy is very important to both of us, so there is no desire here to be with anyone other than her. Fantasy and role play between the two of us is fair game and has been really great. Like Bazinga, above, we like pegging a lot.

    For me, I've pretty much always been attracted to both women and men, but I've always only wanted one relationship at a time, it's really my desire. So I don't experience any longing to be with a partner of a different gender than the one I'm with. That is not the case with some other bisexuals, though. Honestly, I'm thankful my sexuality is the way it is, it's pretty great to be bi and happily married.

    You could be bi, you've expressed attraction for both men and women in your post. You could also be gay. I encourage you to read, ask, discuss, and learn more about yourself.

    Welcome!
     
  4. CapColors

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    Hi! Your post is very familiar to me. I am bi and happily married but I have decided that I need to work sex with a woman into my life at some point.

    I am considering my options, which aren't great because I'm not a cheater either and I don't want a divorce, separation, or an open marriage in the most open sense of the word (both people can see other people).

    My husband is awesome, I love him a lot, and our life together is quite happy for the most part.

    Right now I'm leaning toward a threesome with my husband and a female escort (I have a separate thread on that) at some point over the next year.

    If that goes well, we might make it a more stable part of our life or move on from there. To where, I don't know!
     
  5. Nickw

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    Hi Drew

    We had a thread, recently, titled "bisexual marriage". You maybe could take a look at those comments to see how some of us have/are/want to deal with the same issues you are wrestling with. How to stay married while having same sex attractions.

    I am a lot older than you and have been happily married for 30 years while being a bisexual. Recently, for the first time in all those years, my same sex attractions have become an issue for me. So, I will say that they never go away.

    I did not reinforce to my wife my same sex desires. So, now I find myself needing to have another discussion about my sexuality and desires after all these years. My advise is to be an honest and open as you can with your wife as soon as you can find a way to do it. It will only get harder later to do this as I am discovering.

    You found a good source here. Everyone's story is a little different. Sexuality is a complicated and unique thing and there is really no right way to feel.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Hi Drew,

    Welcome to EC :welcome:

    Hopefully you'll find that EC is a warm and supportive community as you begin to explore the questions around your sexuality.

    You are certainly not alone. Many of us here have discovered later in life that we suppressed our authentic sexuality, whether it be gay or bisexual, because we learned early in life that being gay is bad or wrong. Given what you're written, it's quite possible that you are gay or bisexual.

    While your desire to control your gay feelings and save your marriage is noble, the fact that your gay feelings are escalating is an indication that your mind is trying to make them front and center as a way of signaling that you need to come to terms with your sexuality. A better question for you to be asking yourself is what is your true sexual orientation, whether it be gay, bisexual, or straight? Once you know this, you can begin to assess the implications for your marriage.

    Welcome to EC

    (&&&)
     
  7. Drew56

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    Thank you all so much for all of your great responses. It makes me feel so much better that there are others out there dealing with similar situations!

    So right now I'm still trying to figure out everything for myself and I want to do that first before I start discussing it further with my wife. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach the matter with her? What are the positive / negative reactions people typically face when confronting their partners about their sexual orientation? Also, would anyone suggest just leaving it as is? I mean our relationship is great as is... I'm just really afraid that ithe may change things between us.

    Thanks again everyone.
     
    #7 Drew56, Apr 24, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2016
  8. Bazinga87

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    I don't have much more to say that I haven't already about when I talked to my wife as far as reactions or outcomes but I do want to comment on the leaving it held in. For a lot of people this doesn't work. The feelings can come back stronger each time. With me I felt hiding this was taking part of myself from my wife and I felt dishonest which caused a lot of grief internally to myself.

    What you decide is ultimately your decision and that will hinge on what you think you can live with but if you bring her in on it asking for her help I bet it would only bring you closer
     
  9. Nickw

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    Drew

    I told my wife 30 + years ago that I had attractions to men. But, since we had such a good sex life for the first 15 years we were married, that disclosure sort of got lost. And, it didn't really matter to me. I was getting what I needed. I never suppressed the urges...just didn't feel compelled to act on them.

    Over time, intimacy with my wife became infrequent and my same sex desires re-emerged in full force. Things happen and I started resenting my wife because I could not have gay sex (or straight sex for that matter). So, recently, I almost cheated with both men and women. That's when I decided to get things back good with my wife...it is working. But, she needs to know how much my same sex attraction influences my life since that is a part of me.

    So, like you, I am working on coming out to her. My plan is to get our relationship in the best place it can be before telling her everything. I ended up in therapy for the first time ever to deal with the anxiety. The therapist has also helped me identify what it is to me to be bisexual. I highly recommend it especially if you are working out, and accepting, your sexual orientation.

    Leaving it as it is may work for you...but, it almost completely exploded in my face after 3 decades. I almost destroyed everything and I had never considered cheating in my whole life.
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    The nature of the conversation with her and whether you leave things as they are really depends on your sexual orientation. If you end up identifying as a Kinsey 5 bisexual or gay, then you probably want to give serious consideration to divorce, which is what I did. Realistically the attraction towards someone of the same sex is too strong to ignore. If you are in the Kinsey 2 - 4 range, then what to do is a harder decision. Staying with your wife is a potential option, though as you increase in the Kinsey range your interest in guys will be stronger and potentially more difficult to contain. My suggestion to you is to get a handle on your sexuality before trying to figure out the conversation. I've posted a checklist previously about how to come out as gay that can help if that's where you land.
     
  11. Drew56

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    Thanks again for all of your great responses. They're really helpful. I'm thinking about going to counseling for a while (just me for now) and see where that goes. Has anyone tried counseling either individually, or with your partner and did it help? Hopefully once I can fully comprehend and accept my orientation having the conversation with my wife will be a lot easier.
     
  12. TravelerMe

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    Going to a therapist individually now. Still a work in progress but its helping me refine my plan to come out eventually and really accept my self for what I am. I keep looking for reasons that maybe I'm not lol but in therapy there's no reason to hide and look other places except within. myself.
    Recently I came out to two close friends. One straight and one gay. That experience has been amazing as I do not have to hide who I am with them and both are now here for me; and have told me I won't have to be alone anymore.
     
  13. SiennaFire

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    :thumbsup:

    It's better for you to understand your orientation before having the conversation with your wife. If you can find a gay therapist or one with LGBT experience that would be ideal.
     
  14. CapColors

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    do NOT go to a therapist who is not LGBT or at least has some experience with that group. Even in NYC (!!!) I've found that non-LGBT therapists are largely clueless about our experiences.
     
  15. Drew56

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    Thanks for the advice! I found a therapist in my area that specializes in lgbtq issues. She comes very highly recommended from her reviews. She was able to get me in this week too which is awesome! I thought I would have to wait a month or more to get in. So I'm pretty happy about that. I'll make sure to keep you guys and gals updated on my progress. I really hope she can help me figure all of this out!
     
  16. Drew56

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    Hey everyone! It has been almost a year since I started this thread... and what an eventful year it has been! So as my last post to this thread noted, I was seeing a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues. Oh my god, she was absolutely amazing!! If anyone is finding themselves in a similar situation, I highly recommend working with a therapist. Working with her, I was not only able to understand my sexual orientation a bit clearer, but also she helped me to make the coming out process as smooth at possible with family and close friends.

    Anyways, Just to give you all an update on the last year. After working with my therapist for 4 months, I was ready to come out as gay. I had the conversation with my ex-wife and two months later we filed for divorce. Getting divorced was a really emotional process. I loved (and still love) my ex, but getting divorced was the best decision for us. When I told her I was gay, she hugged me and started crying. It was extremely emotional for both of us. She said that she had always had a suspicion and occasionally her friends would make comment to her hinting that I might be gay, but had always hoped that she was just being paranoid. So it wasn't a total shock to her by any means. Anyways, we lived together for 2 months while she searched for a roommate and I searched for a new place to live (that is another crazy story that I will reserve for another time/place. I am now sharing an apartment with a straight girl who is absolutely crazy!!) But anyways, after we separated I took some time to focus on myself. I am planning to go back to school for my masters degree, I also started doing cross-fit and yoga, and just sort of re-assessed what I wanted out of life.

    Through all of this, I have stayed close with my ex-wife. She has been one of my biggest supporters and is still my best friend. She started dating again two months ago. It was really hard seeing her with someone else at first, but I'm incredibly happy for her at the same time. I have began to date myself recently. I tried the whole ****** thing to try and jump head first into the gay dating scene, but it wasn't really my thing. I met a really hot guy (Adam) through my gym... ugh he is so freaking gorgeous and perfect! We're not serious anything like that but we have been seeing each other for the past three weeks and I am really starting to fall for him! I hope it turns in to more, I really think that I am ready for a relationship... but only time will tell.

    I really hope that this post can give hope to someone else out there. These forums really helped me in the beginning of this crazy process. I know dealing with a sexual identity crisis later in life isn't rainbows and butterflies (pun intended) for everyone. But just know that it's not all bad either!
     
  17. Mj5963

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    From a married man dealing with this thank you it means a lot as the road is confusing and bumpy
     
  18. OnTheHighway

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    What an amazing story Drew. Fantastic Progress!!!! I love reading threads like this!
     
  19. Aj462

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    Hi Drew,

    Thanks for dropping by again and updating us. It's very helpful for those of us a few steps behind on the journey.

    I am currently going through the am I bi/gay questioning, and have recently opened a thread to discuss this in more detail: my greatest fear...

    I'd love to hear what you have to say on this, and I hope you don't mind me asking!
     
    #19 Aj462, Mar 21, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2017
  20. Lost4

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    Hi Drew,

    Your story is incredibly helpful, so thank you for coming back and sharing your progress! I'm going through something similar myself, only I'm still trying to work out what to do.

    At what point did you figure out that you were gay? Was there a light bulb moment?