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How can I get to know her...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LadyPegasus, Apr 24, 2016.

  1. LadyPegasus

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    Hello All!

    This is my very first post. I'm happy to find a place that could possibly help me and support me.

    A little about me. A few years ago, I cam to the realization of what my sexuality was....bisexual. You see, I grew up tomboyish. I was attracted to the boys...but I also found that I seemed to be attracted to the girls. I pushed the girl attraction off thinking maybe it was just admiration or something. I had no idea that "bisexuality" was a thing. I thought you either had to be a lesbian or straight...that was it And since I liked both...I couldn't figure it out.

    So...fast forward. I have been married and now divorced from a guy. And before all that I only dated guys. And since the divorce, I finally acted on my attraction to women. I dated a married woman who's husband knew of me. But that turned into a disaster (a whole other story I don't want to get into) and I won't ever do that again.

    Now, I'm very interested in dating women. I have 2 kids from my marriage. I feel like there won't be any women interested in dating a divorced woman with kids that also identifies as bi. I have an online dating account and there are some women that state right in their profile "no bi's". It almost makes me want to just say I'm a lesbian...but that wouldn't be honest. And I would feel guilty.

    So...there is this woman I work with. Technically, we work under the same company umbrella, but in 2 different subgroups of the company. We sit in different buildings on the same campus. She's quite attractive and I believe she is a lesbian. I've spoken to her online a couple times. We connected on a professional website. I want to get to know her on a personal level, but I don't know how I tend to be very shy...I'm years old and shy...ugh.

    So, I need help. How do you go about getting to know people on a personal level...especially ones you are crushing on? I know you should really treat it as friends first. But, I feel so weird just asking her to lunch or something, since we've never spoken face to face. And I don't want to come off clingy or weird. I don't know if I even have a chance with her. She's intimidatingly pretty....lol.

    Sorry to ramble on. I really have no one to talk to about this because I'm mostly in the closet. But, it wouldn't stop me from dating a women and people finding out. I want to live my life happily.
     
  2. CapColors

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    ...just ask her to lunch! Here I'll type the email for you and you can blame me if it goes to shit. :slight_smile:

    Hi [NAME],

    I enjoyed chatting with you online the other day and I was wondering if you would like to meet up for lunch or coffee some time next week. We could try [INSERT FOOD PLACE HERE], I hear the [brownies/pizza/salad] are delicious, although I admit I'm a little skeptical because [OUR COMPANY] isn't known for its delicacies. :slight_smile:

    Warmly,
    [YOUR NAME]
     
  3. afgirl

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    I would advise drinks after work or on a weekend night. Whatever works. Go in with the expectation that you're trying to make a friend (I mean, you are, right???). If you're worried about it seeming like a date at this point, let her know if she wants to invite anyone else along, you're all for it. This will actually tell you a lot. The best thing that happens--you connect that night? The worst, well, probably that she'll bring a date or partner or something, but you've still reached out and made a friend and hopefully had a good time.

    And don't worry about the divorced with kids thing....you're not alone, I'm doing the same thing. I'm not saying it's easy, but you're going to have those issues with a man or a woman. Dating sites? Well, we tend to put down our "rules" but when we meet real people, we tend to follow our instincts. I wouldn't stress that you are undateable or anything like that. It's just plain scary out there, gay, bi or straight.
     
  4. afgirl

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    Okay, it was too late to edit, but I am correcting this. It's just plain scary out there no matter what is your orientation.

    Apologies!
     
  5. LadyPegasus

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    Definitely want to get to know her on a friendly level first. We haven't chatted online in a month. I was hoping she would reach out to me. I guess I was hoping to see that she initiated talking so I could see that she's at least interested in getting to know me. She iniated the 1st chat. I initiated the 2nd. But...she hasn't. So I assume she's busy and I don't want to bug her or maybe she's not that interested. Or...there's always the possibility of a little bit of shyness. I mean...I really want to talk and connect with her...but my shyness holds me back.

    It seems so easy for some people to just go up to people and ask to go to lunch or for a drink. I'm not one of those types. It's hard for me.

    I know being divorced and having kids puts some people off. Which is a bummer...lol. But having that past...I think people assume I'm straight. So...I really don't get flirted with by women. Well...i,really don't get flirted with much at all. Could be because I'm a quiet type....and seem unapproachable...not sure.
     
  6. PlaidGlove

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    Don't worry about being divorced and having kids. I'm a lesbian and the woman of my dreams happens to be many years my senior and a mother as well. I hope she's bi, because otherwise I'm in trouble... ;-)

    Motherhood is sexy, ok?
     
  7. Morgana

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    I will echo the notion of getting to know her on a friendly level first. You may find she's a great friend, but not the romance for which you were looking. And if it does turn romantic, you've built a strong base of friendship and respect on which to build.

    My wife is quite literally my best friend. We met online and became friends (it was over a long distance at first). When my wife at the time passed away, she talked to me and helped me through it. We decided to meet and see how things went, and she wound up coming home with me that same weekend. We've been together for 12 years and are still head over heels. She's kind, compassionate, and smart. And it all started as friendship.
     
  8. Jade 81

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    Hello Lady Pegasus,
    I think you give much on your intentions (friendship, other..) as you don't know how you feel about her yet / don't know her well enough. Choose a situation that you would find most comfortable to meet her. After all a meeting is there for you to get to know her and you won't get the chance if you didn't like the idea i.e. of a bar setting from the start. As you were writing about lunch that seems something you could picture easily, so go for it.
    you 'll only find out if she will meet up if you ask her. Risk of no included. But thats how it goes.. not that I m good at that :icon_wink , terrible in fact. But we manage anyway, right :thumbsup::eusa_liar

    Good luck :eusa_danc
     
  9. LadyPegasus

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    I definitely need to start with the friend route. I'm a bit shy...so I find it hard to just start conversations. I did talk to her some today on the IM we have at work. I almost asked if she wanted to go to lunch. I chickened out. I guess I'm afraid of her saying she's not interested in going to lunch. My mind focuses on what may go wrong. I have a hard time figuring out if she's talking to me because she's being nice or she wants to.

    I'm just taking it slow. Maybe I'll find the courage to ask her to lunch another day.