So I have decided to write a letter to my husband to get him to understand that I am a lesbian and how I feel that is the reason he has been angry for the last five years and our marriage isn't working. The letter is wrote the divorce forms filled out, just not filed. I started rearranging my oldest daughter's room last night so I could move into it. It was emotional and scary. And because of that she asked my what was going on. So I came out to my nine year old daughter last night. I cried so much. She cried too. Not because she was upset with me, but because she is afraid he will become angry again. As we talked she could tell me when things changed in our house. She was only four, but so aware of how he changed. Aware of the changes in me. My fight with trying to be ultra feminine to possibly fight off the feelings I was having. To a full 360 to being more and more butch. Still not ultra butch. But enough that most lesbians I meet automatically assume I am gay. Last night was almost too much. And I cried all the way to work this morning. And on top of all this my trigger left me a week ago. To be with another girl. I think. I am not sure bc she is not talking to me anymore. I have spent the last three months helping her get through her break up with her long term gf. Helping her face moments like the one I am facing now. I was stupid and sent her too many emotional texts last night. I don't knw what I am looking for by starting this thread other than maybe someplace to vent all these feelings. To sit and cry while I type. To get it out before I walk into work. And maybe have to see her. Yes she works in the same building. If I find the strength today I am leaving the letter for my husband tonight. When he gets home from work at midnight. Hopefully we can have a real talk about the future and how to best work out an agreement of divorce. Thanks for listening.
Dear DancingGirl, First of all, I want to congratulate you on your courage. What you are doing must demand so much of you, especially considering how the woman you were involved with left you. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this pain. It must be terrible to struggle with the doubt and uncertainty you now must be facing. I would encourage you to embrace it. Love yourself through this. You will find a woman who will take your breath away. She will love every inch of you, caress your every thought, touch every piece of your soul, set every facet of your spirit free. She will love you unconditionally and you will never be able to lose her—simply because you are you and she is she. But for now, you are in the midst of a series of battles—with yourself, with your husband, I'm sure with other members of your family too. Love yourself through it all. Know that you are worthy of so much happiness. You've set your feet on the path you need to take for yourself. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, I'm sure there are several circles of pure hell that you will need to go through. But you will come through. Just keep walking. (*hug*)
This was the most amazing response. It made me cry a bit, but it also gave me some hope and encouragement. I am trying to remember on a daily basis to be kind to myself and that my happiness is what is important. Thank you for being here and sharing your lovely outlook.(*hug*)
I'm sure he will be understanding and truly happy that you are going to be at your happiest as yourself You have conceived a beautiful accepting child together and you have shared much over 5 years so you only want what's best for eachother All the best of luck on your bravery
I wish there was a like button!!! Plaid glove that was very kind and beautifully written! Hugs DG. Can't see the hug emojis on my phone but I'm trying to give one!!!
Well I finally gave him the letter. Took longer than it should have, but I finally did it. I also slept my first night in my own room. We still haven't talked. He didn't go to work last night, just slept most of the time. He spent the hours after receiving the letter with his sister. With our work schedules I am not sure when we will talk. Maybe Thursday. His is sister said it was confused and hurt but doing better than she thought he would. Luckily she is very understanding and still wants to be here for us both and hopes we remain friends. She also said she would try to help their parents understand my side of this. So here is to taking that one huge step and making it happen.
Wow...having your sister in law help with the parents is a huge plus. Hopefully that continues as this progresses further.
Well my husband was admitted into a psych ward for suicidal thoughts today. We have only briefly spoke and not about my gayness or the divorce. Just about him being admitted and the next steps. He wants me to bring him some items tomorrow during visiting hours. Not sure how I feel about it. But I do care about him so I am. I feel so stressed out right now. I feel like I have been shoved out of the closet instead of being gracefully taken by the hand. Basically his entire family knows and are asking questions but also being supportive. They said they still consider me part of the family and want to help us get all this figured out and do what is best for our girls. It is all overwhelming. I have cried so much today. I am scared, so scared.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry that this has gone this poorly. BUT you do seem focused on the positives, even through your pain, which take enormous strength. I am humbled by your courage. I think him being able to get professional help has got to actually be a plus, despite how dramatic and shocking it does makes everything seem, to your point. Hugs my dear
I commend you for your courage. I've been married to a man for 20 years and will never be authentic to who I really am. You've taken the first step.
Thank you everybody for your kind words. It has been difficult but things seem to moving forward pretty good. I went to see him yesterday. His spirits were decent and he seemed to understand that this is what I need to be me and that I want him to be happy too. He was just glad I went to see him. He is shutting out his family but I was able to get him to at least accept calls from his sister. So we have to get through this and then see how it all goes from there.
So I picked up my husband from the hospital and we are good. He said it was hard at first, but he feels relieved and is glad I came out. That it wasn't fair to any of us. And wants to work on the next steps for our lives. We have even talked about dating other people. It feels so good to be out to him and have him except it. So much has changed so fast. It scares me a bit.
Wow, that is fast and scary! But an amazing start. Don't get discouraged if it backslides a little: it will. The path isn't straight. (See what I did there hee)
Wow, DG... I feel like I missed out on so much the last few days. You have been so, so brave and strong on this roller coaster of emotions and actions. Your husband sounds like he got some good therapy time in the hospital and maybe that was exactly what he needed - some professional, objective assistance. Kudos to him for seeking it and being strong enough to know he couldn't handle it on his own. Your in-laws sound pretty wonderful too. Holy cow. Especially his sister... just wow. I know this had to be hard as nails for you and your daughter the past few days, but damn... You all pretty much rock in my book. As Cap said, there may be some steps backwards and forwards but you just keep your head up, eyes forward and goal-oriented: a happy, healthy, loved you... Which will contribute to a better relationship with your daughter, your family and everyone else. Super proud of you!
Cap and Em, It has been a crazy roller coaster. Just crazy. When we sat down and talked. We talked about the possible back stepping and the path not being straight (love that btw). He knows that there are still going to be moments where he will get really sad and maybe even angry but he told me to stand strong that I am doing the right thing. He was honest and asked if he was allowed to date and hookup with people. I told him as long as I am too and we don't being anyone to the house while we sort things out. I told him to try to take it slow. I know I will be. Em, I actually have two daughters. Just letting you know. But my youngest hasn't quite grasped what is going on. My oldest is very mature and sees things. So I have been honest with her. We both also had a talk with her last night about change but that we feel we are doing what is best for everyone. It felt good. Thanks for being here through this journey with me. (*hug*)
What a brave woman. Wish that could be me. I've endured my marriage for almost 4 years all in the name of surviving. If only I could find a job, I could finally be free again..
