Maybe I should just give it up

You are worth it. You are worth all the effort in the world.

It won't be easy, but neither is the pain you have now. Keep talking, keep thinking, keep working. It's worth it. (*hug*)

 

Dear Green,

I am so sorry that you're going through all this pain and that you feel like you never have time to take care of yourself. It must be so exhausting to be in your shoes.

Please don't put yourself back into the closet. It is so important that you cling to your integrity and this incredibly beautiful side of yourself that you have discovered, otherwise you risk losing yourself all over again. Besides, I don't think you actually can go back into the closet. You can't unlearn that you are attracted to women, or uninstall your attraction to women from your sexual orientation.

Do you ever get time to be by yourself and just relax? What would it take for you to get that?

What would make you feel good about yourself? Loved? Desirable? Needed? Cherished? If you find that difficult to answer, try to think about what you do to make your kids feel loved and cherished.

Is there any way that you could do those same kinds of things for yourself?

Do you have friends, colleagues etc. that you can hang out with for coffee, lunch or a drink at some point? Surely your partner of 20 years can take care of your kids for a bit so that you can simply go out and have some fun? Just being in the company of people who make you laugh and feel comfortable can do so very much.

 

(*hug*)So I am just going to say this...honey that isn't a good marriage no matter your sexuality. Nobody should be yelled at so much. Does he help? Do you work?
And please do not put yourself back in the closet. I have been with the same man fr 16yrs. With two young girls. I am not going back in the closet. It isn't easy and every day presents new challenges, but the thought of someday being able to feel the softness of a women's skin and th smell of her hair makes me keep moving forward.
You need to think of your overall happiness. No matter if you like women or not. Is that where you want to be?
Stay strong and keep talking to us.(*hug*)

 

Oh, Green251!

That is absolutely, 100% not right! Why are you getting yelled at? This sounds like abuse to me. It doesn't always have to include physical violence. Hopefully, yours doesn't.

Either way, I think you need to find some local support to help you navigate your way out of this situation. Not that we won't be here for you but if you need to go somewhere, you'll need someone there.

There are others here who have gotten themselves out of abusive relationships who can give you better advice but please remember things can be better.

 

I so agree with Really. You need to find local help. Please sweetie.

 

Hello Green, don't hide your feelings, it's who you are and hiding will only hurt you more. And I echo what the others have said here

 

I understand the good intentions from some of the previous posts encouraging you not to go back in the closet or hide your feelings. But, this situation you describe could get much worse if you share too much with this guy. In fact I wouldn't share anything with him. He has made it clear already that he's willing to do whatever he needs to in order to keep you down.

I think you need to make arrangements to get out. Your children need their mother alive more than they need the illusion of a "whole" family.

 

Your husband will only want truthfulness and what's best for you
If your amazing enough to come out then there isn't a point of going back..
All the best

 

you shouldnt only care for others. Youre important too!! take your time. its not good to keep lying to yourself. Maybe you should just tell your husband? If youre not happy living like this, its time to change it the way you would like it to be

 

Well...I'm gonna say what everbody else Is thinking. Get away from that shit bag. Run as fast as you can and don't look back. Start planning your exit strategy as far as what it would take to do it financially and with the kids. Start recording and documenting the verbal and physical abuse. It's time to go and being gay has nothing to do with it.

 

Big hugs Green!!!!!! I hear you. He probably says you could have it worse right? My husband says I overreact because he doesn't cheat or never hit me. But he is emotionally abusive, and even admits he is "hard on me" but does not think he is abusive.

Here are things I have been yelled at for... Staying at the cemetery too long to visit my mother (with the added implication that I wasn't even there), making excuses for my teenager for her behavior when I say it's her period or age, staying in my pajamas all day on my day off, taking my birthday off.... And those are just the truly ridiculous examples! I could end this thread with examples!

I was made to feel unimportant and unheard and eventually it killed my feelings for him. I begged him to listen, I begged him to try the things I needed and wanted to do, I begged him to make me feel important and he never did. Yet when I finally got tired of it he acted surprised and said I never told him the problem was that serious. :bang: What did it for me was two years ago I was working for a very demanding woman who was never satisfied and who began to berate me in front of others, and eventually I was so stressed and unhappy I felt I was about to have a nervous breakdown. So I came home crying and told my husband I wanted to quit and he said I couldn't quit, we have a nice lifestyle and can't afford our things on one income. Really????? I was worried about my health and all he cared about was money! That really hurt. Then I met my trigger and knew I couldn't stay and unfortunately now I am in the worst kind of hell dealing with two relationships ending but that is a longer story on another thread.

Life is too short to be treated like that Green. Everyone has their breaking point. You are not a bad person and you DO deserve to be happy!!!! Don't let him tell you otherwise. The only person who has a say in your decisions about yourself is you. (*hug*)

 

Conur w/ OutofZCloset 100%. Dan Savage has a saying - DTMFA. Translated it means, Dump The MotherF**ker Already.

Honey, you don't need to be out to him. From what you've said, you need to be away from him. Go talk to a women's shelter/counselor. They can help set you up for success on your exit strategy. You may have 99 problems, but that d-bag shouldn't be one of them. #JustSayin

 

I was in an abusive marriage for many years. There were two issues that got to me: 1. that my children would thing this was NORMAL and their future relationships might be defined by what they saw growing up, and 2. that if nothing changes, nothing changes; I was losing myself, becoming a shell of what I used to be.

I don't know who you are calling, but if it's someone who can get you and your kids the hell out of there, please do. This is seriously not an issue about your sexuality at this point.

 

*hugs*

Safety first. You and the kids need to be safe before you can deal with the sexuality sutff.

Keep posting, though. We want to know how you are. Keep posting. This is part of your process on the road to dealing with your sexuality. But, safety first.

 

If what you are reporting is true, you are in an extremely abusive relationship.

Here is a text-based crisis hotline--it just uses text so your husband can't hear you:

TEXT “GO” TO 741-741


---
ETA: I just tried it and it worked

 

My friend really likes the Purple Pocketbook app. She says it's an app that helped her organize her thoughts and resources about if/how/when she would leave, but if her husband looked at her phone, it just looks like a shopping app, so he wouldn'lt mess with it or think anything of it. If you want to, that might be worth checking out. I know we are all acting really decisive on this, but it's fine if you're not. This is your life and your decisions. We want what's best for you, but ultimately you are the only one who can decide what is best for you. You are strong enough to decide that, even if it takes time. I'm proud of you for posting here. Good job!

 

Oh Green251, I'm sorry things are so hard. I agree with what others are saying - the way your husband is treating you is wrong. Completely wrong. There is no question about that. Trust the little voice inside. You deserve all the love in the world - not abuse. And on dark days you can always come here to EC for support. (*hug*)