Haven't created a post in quite sometime. Things have been more or less ok since coming out to my wife last summer. She was pretty upset at first but then settled down and we started having new conversations and things were improving. I recommitted myself to our relationship and began working on being more available to her and the kids. We considered couples counseling but dropped it because we seemed to be communicating just fine on our own. As time has passed she was growing more... anxious?...insecure? After we would talk. She is terrible about repeating the same question many times which then starts to make me feel attacked, distrusted and like she's seeking a certain answer. I started to clam up which in turn has made her even more anxious. Now to try to "talk" she waits until I'm almost asleep and then starts in on me. I don't appreciate this as it feels like an ambush so I usually won't engage in any serious dialogue. The other times she will try to talk is when she's drunk. Last weekend we had a rare night out and she got blitzed and started making weird hurtful comments. Later she mentions she may be an alcoholic. I'm not so sure but if she is I'm at a loss as to what, if anything, to do about it. I want to talk with her about our future, my sexuality and all the normal things that a married couple talk about. But she is very hung up and I don't know how to help her work past it.
When my wife ambushes me with her unconstructive dialog, I tell her I'm not going to play along. I would suggest that you do something similar. First figure out ground rules for constructive conversation that make sense for you. For example, she needs to be sober and give you at least 30 minutes notice before talking with the option of rescheduling. Then start enforcing the ground rules. Nobody should have to deal with ambush conversations, especially as pillow talk. It probably also makes sense for you to figure out the meta issues with your relationship. Why does she need to repeat the same question over and over such that you feel attacked?
I think what SF said here is very useful. I recommend trying out something SIMILAR to his suggestion. However please consider setting the ground rules together. She doesn't want to be told what to do in black/white terms any more than you do. You'll just come across as combative. I also suggest that her repeating the same question over and over again is NOT a search for a new answer. It is a gambit to request emotional support. I suggest instead of answering her ACTUAL question (whatever it is), consider taking her hand and/or hugging her and looking into her eyes and telling her that you know this is difficult for her and you want her to know how much she means to you. Many times women (and men) just want emotional acknowledgement of our pain and to know we are loved. Then, if you think the moment is right, remind her of the ground rules that you came up with together (she should not need this but if she does) and then set an "appointment" to talk about whatever her issue is.
Think of ground rules more as limits/boundaries in post #2 and not so much as a contract. The OP needs to start establishing boundaries for his mental sanity. I defer to CapColors on the other emotional aspects of relating to women. Not a core competency of a gay man
In general I think your advice here is totally solid. ITA that he needs ground rules-- but she may need some too (like, "if I bring up a topic, don't brush me off!" which is how some of his reactions may read to her). If they establish them together then she'll buy into them more and vice versa. I personally think that writing the ground rules down may not be a terrible idea given how dysfunctional the communication has become. When I'm getting nowhere with my husband on something (and I admit to being guilty of behavior similar to the OP's wife, and my husband sometimes reacts the same way as the OP), I can usually make more progress by sending him a follow up note. That way we can both speak rationally, and if there is a huge flaw in my logic, I'm more likely to see it.
I think between our posts we've nailed it The OP needs to end the ambush dynamic and start establishing boundaries for his mental sanity and as a perquisite for meaningful dialog. The I'm-not-going-to-play-along approach is tactical and reactive during an ambush. The "When you ...", "I feel...", "because..." model could be used to make this less confrontational. I agree that mutually created ground rules are a more proactive way to end the ambush dynamic and a better way to foster communication. I also like your suggestion on how to handle her repeating the same question over and over again. If the CapColors-Sienna(TM) approach doesn't yield improved communication, perhaps it makes sense to reconsider couples counseling or a class in how to communicate as a couple because I don't get the sense that the elephant in the room is being addressed.
