Ruminating

Hi,
This forum is more my age group. I posted on the welcome site earlier today.

I am married with kids. Happily married .... Except I don't enjoy sex. It bothers me a lot. I feel like I have been chasing my tale for the last thirty years wondering what if I am gay. Those thoghts go through my head and cause me anxiety and depression. No I have never had sex with a dude. All my therapist since age 24 said I am not gay but the little voice in my head keeps telling me I am. I am trying to rid myself of this non peace of mind and face my fears.

I don't want to run the risk of sounding crazy on a first post but is it possible to not like sex and not be gay?

Cheers,

T.

 

Hi,

Thank you for the advice. I suppose I have some internalized homophobia for sure. My story is an interesting one to say the least. I dated in university and up until I got married at 37. Had a nervous breakdown severely at age 24 after successfully having sex with a woman. My relationships were short as I would get stressed out over intamacy thinking I was gay. Key word is thinking. It is not like a look at a man and get excited or fantasize about them. It is the constant voice in my head saying I am gay and no good, inadequate etc. I don't hate sex with my wife, it is just that I don't get turned on. A procedure I suppose.

Tired of this voice and seeing if there is any validity to it. Tired of shrinks and trying to sort this out on my own.( with support here)

I watched some gay porn today and nothing. I went to a gay bar and kissed a guy and nothing. Still that voice persists. Moment to moment that is all I think about is sex. What kind I would like. When I am out I check out women and even men checking for responses. Feel like a pervert sometimes.

Thoght about craiglist but I know I would just get scared and run away. I also don't wanna cheat.

When in changeroom or showers at health club I will check guys out to see if I like it. I don't have the urge or get excited or anything. I have dreams with women in them periodically too.

I am sharing a lot with people I don't know but I want to get to the bottom of this.

I don't expect miracles but perhaps some support while I sort this out. It is all I think about all day. Am I or am I not gay. Why don't I get turned on? I have been trying to fix myself since I can remember. My recollection of getting turned on is from early twenties and mid teens from unavailable married women. I want that feeling back.

Some people talk about a anxiety in there stomach, mine is in my groin. Kinda of funny but not really.

So how would go about being gay for a day without getting in trouble.

Thanks,
Piston
Tv

 

Hi,

Good question. It is more of a manual stimulus thing when master bating. I think about women usually but sometimes I look at the dudes penis and wonder if I like it. it is more of a release and habit now.

Tb

---------- Post added 28th Apr 2016 at 05:17 PM ----------

Hi again,



I love my wife. And we get along. I would say that she doesn't get aroused either and doesn't like sex just penetration from what I could tell and from what she told me. She is not into it and would be glad not to have sex. She has even said she thinks it is dirty and won't even give or receive oral. I always have to initiate but lately I don't really want to if she is not into it. I brought up the idea of trying different things but she said she doesn't want to go out of her comfort zone. One of the reasons I married her is because all the previous gals I dated before that seemed like nymphomaniacs and she wasn't. So I know what I got in that department. So I suppose I should not complain.

I got excited a little with a woman sales rep and felt something and wanted to kiss her then I felt bad for thinking those thoughts and stopped.
Driving with my boss today and felt anxious and wondered if I was turned on. Can't tell,if it is anxiety or arousal.

Just feels good writing having people to chat with about this.

Cheers,
T

 

What can I say other than thanks for your input.

When I look back on my history, there are reasons for the way I am. Tough to take as I have had high expectations of myself. I was what you would consider "hot" and had lots of attention. My belief system was that I should be a stud and be attracted to every girl and if I did not I was a failure. I wasn't alowed to have a girlfriend but expected to bang em all anyway. Stupid societal a and familial expectations I bought into.

I went to aa for a couple of years because my wife gave me an lultimatum when I came home drunk from the strip club and asked ifs she wanted a threesome with one of the girls. In aa when they said be honest with yourself my brain thoght it was my sexuality.

My latest shrink who is a twelve stepper said that I was a sexual anorexic and to quit watching porn and master bating. The thing I did not like about that was I had to admit I had a problem and my life was unmanageable. Basically admitting I am broken. Hard to fix something that ain't broken is the way I am looking at it now.

Still tough to take. Have to accept myself as okày and move on. Hard to do. Simllar struggles others on here have gone through.

I know I talk a lot.

T.

 

Yes, I have checked out the ocd thing. Thanks everyone for your input.

 

Hi sorrel,

Not exactly sure what you mean. I am kinda settled into this is the way I am mode. I don't know really what to do. Just accept the fact that this is the way I am without driving myself nuts.
Seems that I am grasping at strings to find answers for my anxiety. I am just going to try and like myself the way I am and whatever happens happens. Anxiety goes down when I say to myself maybe am. Oh well.
Funny I am watching Dexter today and he doesn't like sex. It might be just the way I am or maybe not.
I have done meditations eastern meditations particularly and I had to stop them because I could not stop them. Hard to explain without sounding nuts. The message I got from that was love your wife.
Trying to fix myself and not sure how.

 

Okay, I think I know what you mean now. Reading over my post I sound a little odd. Realistically if you met me I would appear normal. My insides don't match my outside.

What is normal anyway. When I look back I have always been sensitive and insecure. I slowly learned how to cope with it and carry on through life. Mostly abused alcohol and marijuana to cope. I have severely cut down my habits and trying to deal with his now. This is the way I am and I have toa accept it. The anxiety, weirdly enough is in my groin area and genitals. Can't believe I said that. Anywho, some very caring and supportive individuals here. Bye

 

Hi nerdbrain,

Sadly, I think you are right about the ocd thing. Anxiety is a bitch ain't it. Hard to find a decent therapist as I live in a small town. I do t get aroused around men and I know that but I keep getting these thoughts.

Thanks to all who have contributed to this thread.