1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I'm getting mixed signals...help?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by wilvirginia97, Apr 28, 2016.

  1. wilvirginia97

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Washington, D.C.
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Alright everyone, this is going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance. I could still really use some advice though.

    For starters, I'm 19 and a college freshman double majoring in German and Psychology. There's this guy, and for anonymity's sake, let's call him C. C is also 19 and a theatre major.

    I knew C in high school, sort of. I did theatre throughout middle school and high school, and in high school, I was super involved with it. My state, Virginia, would have an annual International Thespian Society State Conference in January. I met C my freshman year, briefly. I'd have a brief conversation or two with him throughout each conference over the four years, but we never talked or stayed in touch outside of that.

    I always thought he was cute and wondered if he was gay, but I never put in any effort into finding out. I apply to colleges, get my decisions, and then decide on my current school.

    About midway through the first semester, I see C on campus. I freak out to my friend and tell her I had somewhat of a huge crush on him at conferences lol. I decide to approach him, and I introduce myself again. He vaguely remembered me which was understandable, we both met a lot of people at these things. We don't really hang out much for the remainder of first semester, but we realize we do have some mutual acquaintances.

    This semester, out of now where, we become decent friends and start hanging out a lot, mostly in the second half of the semester. Fair warning, I'm somewhat of a stoner and so is he, but we still get our academics take care of before we kick back. Anyway, we've been hanging out more. At first it was smoke, come back and play some video games, then part ways. Then we starting hanging out with a mutual friend group a lot. It would vary from smoking with the group to chilling alone, smoking with the group, chilling alone, and then going back to the group, or just smoking and then chilling with the group.

    When I became friends with C here at college, I assumed he was straight. It seemed like it. I only have two gay friends on campus, so most of my guy friends are straight. When he's around them he'll comment on girls' asses and boobs just like any other thirsty college guy does, so I felt even more confident in assuming he's straight. I'd her him talk about past girlfriends and sexual experiences a handful of times.

    Here's where things get complicated...

    A few weeks back, not too sure how long ago to be completely honest, a couple of things happened.

    Some background information: I've never had a normal relationship where it's being friends, flirting, talking, and then dating. Most of my previous relationships have been sexually driven, but I'm tired of that and ready for something substantial, so that's why all of this stuff, including the cute little things like this, are new to me.

    We were hanging out, same old same old, and it was a Thursday night. We had smoked with our friends and were hanging out in a dorm room with a few others just listening to music and chit-chatting. He and I were on a bed, and our friend was sitting up towards her pillows. C and I were sitting further down the bed. I was like sitting upright and on the edge sort of in the middle, and he was leaning back and parallel with the bed behind me. At one point, I got kind of lazy/tired, so I leaned back on him and had my head on his chest. He didn't say a word about it, so I assumed it was alright. We sat like that for a while.

    Later on in the night, we went out with our friends to smoke again, and we came back for some more of the same kind of hanging out. This time he and I had basically switched places when it came to seating. He did the same thing I did, and leaned back and put his head on my chest. We sat like that for a while like before, and eventually we all parted ways and went to sleep.

    The next night, Friday, we had the same kind of plans, smoking and kicking it. We were in another friend's dorm room, this time with a much smaller group. We were sitting on the bed, side by side with our legs stretched out in front of us, hanging off of the bed, and our friend was a bit further up on the bed too. The person who the room belongs to likes keeping it extra cold, so C and I were sharing a blanket between the two of us. we were covered from like shoulders down. It was a huge blanket so it was sort of piled onto us too.

    At one point, I feel his foot bump into mine. At first I think, "It was just an accident," but then it happens again. I say, "Coincidence," but it happens a third time. I decide to dare lightly tap back, and then he returns it again. At one point our lower legs kind of cross over each other and we keep it going lol. That was the first time I played footsies, FYI. We did that for a while and then eventually everyone was tired and went to bed.

    Finally, Saturday comes around. Everyone had gotten their work done during the week so we could have a fun weekend, so we were drinking and smoking, typical college weekend activities. The wind down hanging out sessions rolls around, and yet again we find ourselves in a friends dorm room. We're all watching a movie, still decently intoxicated. Everyone is focused on the movie. We're sort of leaning into each other since we're sitting side by side. At one point C changes his seating position and my hand gets trapped under his thigh. We were sitting next to each other on the bed, and he realized it was happening because he was about to move it, but then he decided to leave it. Since I've never been in this predicament before, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to move my hand to the side on top or just pull it out from under or what, so I did nothing.

    Eventually, he repositioned himself and his hand ended up right next to mine, since both of us had our arms at our sides. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to make a move or not, so once again, I didn't. Finally, he repositions himself a third time, criss-cross next to me. I'm sitting the same way. At one point, he kind of just puts his head on my shoulder subtly and out of the blue. It caught me off guard, but after a few brief moments I rested my head on top of his and we sat like that for a few minutes.

    Something funny happened in the movie, and we were all laughing really hard so we were moving of course, and when we all finished laughing he didn't go back to the same position. I assume it may have been because people had become aware of the others in the room again and less focused on the movie. If we hadn't moved, I'm sure we would've sat like that for a while.

    We hung out Sunday and the following days after that, every time with a group, and he seems distant. Nothing cute happens. There's been a few instances where subtle things like that happen again, but not many.

    Yesterday afternoon we hung out with some friends and went for a long drive on a gorgeous day. Eventually our friends needed to be back, so I dropped them off, since I was driving, but C and I continued to explore. Eventually we parked my car, and I told him I still wasn't ready to be bored in the dorm again. He agreed, so I asked if he wanted to see this cool little bridge that I love going to. We make the 15-20 minute hike there and we sit on the edge for a while just talking. He convinces me to quit smoking so we both share my luckies, and then we sit and talk some more. It starts getting late and I have to get back for a meeting. We were planning on riding the shuttle from the parking lot back to campus, but he decided we should walk since it was nice. I couldn't have been happier.

    At this point, I've obviously asked friends for advice. I'm not entirely sure what to do. His mixed signals are killing me, especially since this is my first time I am really in this kind of situation. I've gotten two main thoughts, either leave it be and just see what happens over time or sit him down and be honest with him. I obviously have feelings and find him attractive both physically and personality wise. I'm not the greatest looking guy, but that's whatever.

    Both of those options freak me out, because I hate waiting, I'm super impatient and the semester is over in a week basically, and the other option of talking to him scares me because regardless of what happens I want him to be in my life, at least as a friend if not more.

    We have great chemistry, be it platonic or romantic, and I feel so happy and safe to be around him, which is rare. Since I have a history with depression, sorry for the curve ball. Anyway...what do I do...?
     
  2. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Oh honey, it sounds like you really like this guy :slight_smile:. Your detailed accounts tell me you've been thinking about this a lot.

    My take on this is that he is warming up or toying with the idea that he might be interested in men or st the very least interested in you, but his history of being straight makes this s new thing for him. That's just my guess though, so big disclaimer.

    I think you should make s few moves. When his hand is close to yours, hold it. When he leans close to you get closer, rub his arm or put your arm around him (whatever feels natural). Let things progress a bit and see how he reacts.

    But in the end, I say go for it, be bold, talk about it with him, be direct. I wouldn't put too much pressure on him, maybe he's just figuring it all out himself. I would approach it by saying how you feel and ask gentle questions about how he feels. Like - I really like it when you're affectionate with me, I enjoy being around you, it feels really nice when you lay your head on me/etc; do you like it? And this could open up more direct questions. I'm suggesting to start gently because it's possible he's not ready to admit his feelings if you go for broke "I like you, do you like me, let's make out." :wink:

    But you could lead into more and more direct questions or bolder moves based on his responses. Think of it as leading him to a comfortable point in expressing his feelings or being intimate with you. I think he's just not ready to be the more direct one.

    But one big caveat is basically, just follow your instincts. Only you know what you feel when you're around him.

    I hope that helps.
     
    #2 baristajedi, Apr 28, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2016
  3. wilvirginia97

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Washington, D.C.
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I want to attempt to make moves, but every time things have happened we've been high. I dunno if that has anything to do with it or if he even realizes what he's doing. He's the kinda happy-go-lucky guy that's friendly with everyone. Also, I've never had to really make a move, so I don't know I could be bold enough to just grab his hand. Especially since there is a strong chance that'll be off-putting.
     
  4. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, personally, I don't think being high is the reason behind it. He might just like to be affectionate and nothing more, and being high brings that out. Or he may like you, and feels emboldened when he's high and relaxed.

    If you're uncomfortable with making moves, have a direct conversation. If you want to remain friends no matter what, tell him that. And tell him your questions, how you feel about him and ask how he feels.

    I know you're worried about losing a friend, I get that. But you can't ignore your feelings. I would think at least bringing it out in the open is better than wondering and wondering.

    Or you could just enjoy what you have and never expect anything more. Just presume this is the furthest it goes and be happy with it.

    I personally say go for it, take the risk. But only you know what you're willing to take chances on.
     
    #4 baristajedi, Apr 28, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2016
  5. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I just want to add something - at this point in my life looking back, I don't regret things I've done, but I do regret things I haven't done.

    Just a thought, take it or leave it :slight_smile:.
     
  6. wilvirginia97

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Washington, D.C.
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm just concerned about making things awkward between the two of us. Also, that isn't the kind of note I want to end the semester on. What if I gave it the summer and see if anything happens between now and next semester?
     
  7. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You do what feels right to you. :slight_smile:

    Perhaps there are ways to feel out his feelings without making it about you. Perhaps you can bring up LGBT couples or male celebrities you find attractive and bait him a bit to talk about any attraction he might have to dudes. Something like that could be a way to get a general sense of his feelings.

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2016 at 05:28 AM ----------

    Are you openly out? Does he know you're gay?

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2016 at 05:30 AM ----------

    I feel like maybe you want us to be like, dude, do it! If that's what you want, I'll be your cheerleader. :slight_smile: