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Married and looking for insight

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by FridayC, May 1, 2016.

  1. FridayC

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    Hi

    Where do I start? Never registered on a site like this. I just turned 50. I'm married to a wonderful woman and have kids. How did I get here? A long journey and I need insights from y'all who have been through this.

    I have never had a gay experience though I've thought about it many times throughout my life. Been repulsed by it at other times. Really turned on by it some other times. Wow, there is too much to tell here. Honestly, I could write a book about my non-experience. Other than reading posts here and hearing what you have to say, my only other idea at this point is to make an appointment with my family doctor. She will likely refer me to a therapist and that will be a good start.

    About a year before I got married I went to see a psychologist with the purpose of exploring what my feelings meant ... because I have definitely always been turned on by women's bodies; looked at female porn. Sometimes I would look at some male image: nudes, erections etc. curious, you know? But it freaked me out and I would conclude I wasn't gay...just naturally curious. The psychologist concluded the same thing.

    I feel like I have grown gay...in a sexual sense. I'm a good looking guy and I was always attracted to women and had many female partners in my twenties ... but no relationships that lasted longer than a year. I feel now I don't have much interest in women sexually ... it doesn't excite me. But the idea of sex with a man turns me on a lot now. But it wasn't always like this. Or maybe it was just repressed.

    Sex with my wife has been the best I've ever had which is to say, it's the most comfortable and compatible I've ever felt. They have been my best and most amazing sexual experiences so far. But at about 5 years into our marriage her interest seem to lessen and mine increased for sex. I just needed more sex than her and we both knew it. Our solution was me masturbating on nights she wasn't feeling up to it. This sort of worked. The truth came out recently is that she didn't like supporting me that way; being there or watching and that she didn't want to use her hand or give me a blow job - she always just did for me, to make me happy. She's not turned on the way I am. We attributed this to various things over the years: fatigue, childbirth, moods, and now pre-menopause. But it seems pretty clear - she doesn't feel sexual desire for me and I want something a lot different.

    I would masturbate nearly daily and this was just maintenance. I really wanted more from my sex life and the more I thought about being with a man the more I wanted it. I'm in really good shape and enjoyed working out, pumping up my muscles and looking at myself in the mirror - not just vanity - I enjoyed looking at my own maleness.

    I would look at some male nudes but it freaked me out. Last night was the first time I masturbated to the picture of an erection. And it was ok! It was great and I am excited about doing it again. Today I reflected on all the close experiences I had in the past where I could have been with a man ... but it was just too scary. Didn't have the courage to experiment. But I feel that time might be soon .. but honestly, the idea of actually having sex with a man and not just it being a fantasy scares me. How do I really know if this is what I want? I don't want to make a stupid mistake and mess up my life.

    Thanks
     
  2. Nickw

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    Hey Fridayc

    Welcome to EC. I came here for some similar things that you discussed. I do recognize that I am bisexual and have been for as long as I can remember. But, I too have been married for decades to a woman I love who cannot have the levels of intimacy that I need. I almost cheated with both men and women and now am working on those issues and coming out to my wife.

    It is possible you are bisexual or gay and have repressed it. The best thing to do is to get the therapy you are planning and begin to understand your sexuality. Until you do that, you cannot really move forward. With me, my issues were less about sex and more about intimacy, in general, with my wife and the therapy is helping me/us develop other ways to explore and maintain the intimacy our marriage needs.

    You, like me, may be looking at ways to explore your same sex desires. This is difficult in a monogamous marriage but there are some here who have figured out how to make this work. Read on and continue to post. Best to you.
     
  3. Justasking100

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    Look to the future and what do you envisage? Can you see a life just with your wife, or is this an itch you have to scratch. It's difficult I know, but you have to look deep within your self as to what will make you happy. Perhaps beyond the sexual element into the romantic element as well.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    Welcome to EC :welcome:

    EC is a warm and accepting community that will help you as you explore your sexuality.

    From what you've written you are likely bisexual or gay (rather than straight and naturally curious). You'll need to confirm this for yourself and explore whether you identify as bisexual or gay. You may want to google "Kinsey scale" which provides additional gradation among straight, bisexual, and gay.

    This is quite typical. The repulsion is caused by internalized homophobia. You probably picked up messages growing up that being gay is wrong or bad and you are replaying those messages when you catch yourself responding to your attractions to guys. Overcoming your internalized homophobia and shame of being bisexual or gay is an important part of discovering your sexuality.

    There's a quote in my sig that I found useful when I was coming out to myself. “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ― Joseph Campbell. The fact that the idea of having sex with a man scares you probably means that you really need to do it.

    In the ideal world, it's best to be upfront with your wife about any explorations with guys because it avoids the duplicity and sneaking around aspects. Having said that, you may feel that's not going to work for your marriage and that's OK too. If you choose to sneak around and end up divorcing, the infidelity will make things more painful. Ultimately it's your decision.


    Welcome
    (&&&)
     
    #4 SiennaFire, May 2, 2016
    Last edited: May 2, 2016
  5. FridayC

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    Thank you SiennaFire, Nickw, Justasking100 ... three posts with great insight and things to reflect on. I am in the right place at EC.

    Things are becoming more clear by the hour. My biggest realization so far is how I completely had internalized that it is wrong to be gay. Very strange because I never had a problem with other people being gay - knew lots of them over my life and we were friends. But I see now that my repulsion to it was not my heterosexuality expressing itself but really my socialization that being gay was lessor, somehow, even dirty. I realize that it became an important value that I be straight. I realize that being gay, in my mind was a failure of sorts and I know I was taught that as I grew up.

    The idea of being bisexual was actually something even more of a failure. I didn't understand how this could be - how could a person feel sexual toward both bodies? To me it meant they were confused or desperate and didn't know what they wanted because they were messed up. Well, that is me, I realize. At 50 years old, however, I am wise enough to understand this better because I am not messed up. I did not know, for example, that feeling romantic to one sex and feeling hotly sexual for another was common.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Before you draw conclusions about what this means for you, would you allow me to interject a thought? There is no credible research that physical and romantic attraction are separate. We know that people who are homosexual are both physically and romantically attracted to people of the same sex. I used homosexual because it applies if you identify as bisexual or gay. A common scenario is that people who are still exploring and accepting their sexuality aren't yet comfortable enough to allow themselves to develop romantic feelings for members of the same sex and often misinterpret their situation. As people become more comfortable with their sexuality, they start developing romantic feelings for the same sex. This analysis applies if you identify as bisexual or gay.

    So it's more likely than not that over time you could develop romantic feelings for another guy, assuming you find the right one.
     
    #6 SiennaFire, May 2, 2016
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  7. Nickw

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    FridayC

    I think you and I are in very similar situations with our age and spouses.

    Have you discussed any of your same sex urges with your wife?

    How do you feel about going thru life without experiencing gay sex? How about experiencing other forms of intimacy with another man such as kissing? These are important questions to begin to ask yourself.

    I think it is possible to maintain a romantic relationship with a PERSON while having sexual desires for another PERSON. However, romantic and sexual emotions are stimulated in the same portion of the brain. So, it is likely that you could develop a romantic attraction to another man if you are sexually attracted to men.

    Bisexuality is real. But, sometimes it is easier for married people late in life to identify as bisexual because it seems like a way to validate their relationship with their spouses. It is important that you determine if you really are bi and not gay. For me, it is a pretty easy test...I can easily become aroused at the idea of sex with an attractive woman. For others, it can be a more complicated question.

    One thing I have noticed is that when I do not have intimacy with my wife, my same sex desires become more "urgent". We are all wired a little differently...that's what is so great about sexuality in humans.