What to do?

Hello,

I am a 42 year old man who has been married to a woman for 17 years. My wife is one of two women I have dated and had sex with. Before marriage, I had two sexual relationships with men (occasional hook ups). Since being married, I haven't had any real life connections with men, though I have chatted in gay chat rooms and viewed gay porn. Over the years, our marriage has become increasingly sexless (once this year). As this has happened, my desire to be with a man has increased. I have no one in mind. I haven't met anyone, though have many gay online friends from chat rooms. I feel like I am missing out by not being able to be with a man. Anyway, I just wanted to post. Looking for support/guidance. Thanks.

 

Teach1

Welcome to EC. Do you identify as gay or bisexual? Are you still in love with, and want to stay with, your wife?

I am bi and married, but not out to her. I have, recently, struggled with similar issues; so I know what you are going through. I invite you to read a few of the other threads here, if you haven't already, to get some additional insight into others in similar circumstances.

 

Hi Nickw,

I don't exactly identify as anything. I mostly fantasize about men, but I don't want to leave my wife. Marriage is good, yet unfulfilling sexually, and truth be known, romantically. I don't necessarily want anything to happen right now. Just in the early stages of talking it out- here.

 

Hey teach. Welcome. Sounds as if you need to do a little soul searching. Is it fair on your wife that you are with her and feel unfulfilled sexually and romantically, or fair on you? Out of interest does she know about your dalliances with men previously?

 

Justasking100,

She is aware of one of them. At least, she had heard a rumor that I had "spent a lot of time" with one of them, who was openly gay. I had told her that we were just good friends, and lied about any intimacy.

She is also aware of me viewing gay porn years ago. At the time, explained that I was just curious.

As far as being fair to her or myself, I guess that is something I need to consider. Thanks.

 

Welcome to EC :welcome:

Hopefully you'll find EC to be a supportive community to help you understand and talk through your sexuality.

Our stories have many similarities. Like you my wife was one of two women I dated and had sex with. Unfortunately, I did not find the courage to have sex with guys before marriage. Like you, when my marriage became increasingly sexless, I also found my desire to be with a man increase. This started a series of events in motion where I came out to myself first as bisexual and then after exploration with guys I realized that I had a much stronger preference for men and came out as gay.

If your marriage is unfulfilling sexually and romantically, how do you see it as good?

May you discover your authentic self

(&&&)

 

Thanks SiennaFire,

Good question about how I see the marriage as good. We have children, and everything centers around them. Also, looking to the future, I am as equally concerned with my children as my spouse.

Thanks for the welcome and response.

 

Hey Teach

Is the lack of intimacy between you and your wife mutual? Do you have any interest in re-kindling it?

My marriage was rapidly approaching a friends with NO benefits situation. So, I felt justified in cheating (stopped 5 minutes before). This would have destroyed any possibility of future intimacy with my wife. Instead of cheating, I gave my wife an ultimatum that I would not live in a sexless marriage. So, we are working on it.

How you proceed sort of depends on what you want out of your marriage. And, just as importantly, what your wife wants out of it.

 

The lack of intimacy seems mutual. She hasn't instigated recently (she did instigate the last time). We are very much friends, which I am fine with. I am to the point where I am probably dis interested in sex with her.

As a side, she has been unfaithful once, in the past. Not that I think it justifies me being adventurous, but we have worked through it before through counseling.

As I said before, I am just at the beginning of talking this out.

Thanks so much for the replies.

 

Hi Teach1,

So the marriage itself is unfulfilling sexually and romantically, but the family life created as a result of the marriage is very fulfilling. You don't want to end the marriage because doing so would break up the family. You secretly fantasize and long for the company of other men. Do you ever fantasize about other women as well?

Other than the lack of romance and sparks in the bedroom, do you still love your wife? The lack of response to a previous post leaves me wondering if that could be a factor here as well.

I know that you are just beginning to talk this out. What do you hope to accomplish here on EC during the early stages of talking it out?

 

Teach

My wife and I will stay married, regardless of my sexuality, or how that needs to fulfilled. We are such good partners and friends. The only thing that would change that would be me cheating...which I almost did. Friendship is enough for my wife; but, not for me. I want intimacy with her, not someone else.

It seems like you and your wife are really in the FW(no)B scenario. And, maybe that is O.K. for your relationship for both of you. You may be able to stay in the marriage and have gay relationships on the side. Your wife may not see it that way and that could be a problem. But, remember that she does not own your sexuality. Marriage should not be a sexless prison with your wife holding the key (my mental picture I used to justify my bad behavior).

Regardless of your sexuality, you should have a talk with your wife about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. You may be surprised by what it could yield, or it may confirm what you now believe.

 

SiennaFire,

You are spot on in your assessment of my marriage as it relates to my family (children) being the fulfilling part. Because my wife is a part of that, I love her. She is my best friend. I enjoy being with her.

To answer your questions about fantasies, I do not fantasize about other women.
All sexual fantasies are same sex. I am pretty sure that if I were to have a romantic relationship in the future it would be probably be with a man,but could be a woman too.

As far as what I want to accomplish here. I am not sure. The urge has become great and just looking for guidance and advice in how to deal with that. So, I don't really know. Thanks.

 

While your family life brings you great satisfaction, you are going to face a dilemma because you are in a mixed-orientation marriage where you are not fulfilled sexually or romantically and it appears very likely that your sexual and romantic fulfillment would require that you date a man.

My suggestion to you is to first figure out your sexual orientation and take it from there. Your degree of bisexuality (you may want to google "Kinsey scale") will inform the decision of what if anything to do regarding your marriage. Based on what you've written here, I think a good place to start exploring your sexual orientation would be bisexual with stronger attraction for guys (Kinsey 4 or 5) or gay. You need to figure out for yourself exactly where you fall.

Another thing to keep in mind is how much internalized homophobia and shame do you feel? Dealing with that aspect is an important consideration for coming out.

Here are two resources regarding the stages of coming out that might be helpful to give you context.

Empty Closets - Stages of Coming Out

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/202581-8-stages-coming-out.html

I hope this helps to get you started on your journey of discovery. Keep on exploring and posting.

Best,
SF

 

Thanks Sienna Fire,

I appreciate the resources. To be honest, one of the things I think I was looking for on EC was to have someone tell me what I already know: that I am in a mixed orientation marriage, that I am gay, and that to be totally fulfilled I need a relationship with a man. I know that sounds dumb, but it is all a part of that "talking it out" thing.

Looking at the Kinsey scale, I would rate a 5, I think.

Thanks for hearing me out and the advice and resources.

 

It seems that you are further along in the journey than you were letting on to

Based on what you wrote, I thought you were probably a Kinsey 5 but wanted you to discover that for yourself. FWIW, I'm a Kinsey 5 though I identify as gay in real life.

Given that you are a Kinsey 5, then I would agree that you need a relationship with a man to be totally fulfilled based on my own personal experience. In terms of next steps you should figure out what you are willing to do to find a relationship with a man. Some of the options include

• Come out to your wife as Kinsey 5/gay.
  • Open the marriage.
  • Get a divorce.
  • Stay married (I don't advocate this option).
• Decide to stay in the closet for the sake of the family (I really don't advocate this option).
• Sneak around behind your wife's back (I did this to discover myself and you're increasing the pain should you decide to divorce and come clean).

Unfortunately, this is the point in the journey where you have to start making difficult choices. Since you value your family so much, let me plant an idea. If you were to choose divorce, you would not be breaking up the family. You would be redefining the family structure. Hope that makes sense and helps you get past potential either/or thinking.

Now that I'm on the other side, I've never been happier or more content than I am now that I love myself unconditionally as a gay man. It's an amazing feeling to finally live authentically and be at peace with myself. The journey was difficult, but I was able to prevail through honesty, persistence, and hard work.

You can get to a similar place if that's what you want.

 

Teach1
That doesn't sound dumb at all. Especially since I'm living a very similar life LOL that's great that you've been able to acknowledge and accept what you are at this point.
My kids are in the center of our lives as well and I have a great friendship with my wife. We are great team, have raised some awesome kids and done a lot things together. But I know I'm never going to be wholly me until I can come out and someday be with a man I love.

My next big step will be to come out to her; I hope to do this before the years out. Im out to two close freinds and therapist and that has been wonderful so far but I need to keep the momentum going.

 

Thanks so much for the advice SiennaFire and Traveler Me.

 

You have a lot to reflect on and think about. Keep on exploring EC and posting your thoughts!

Best,
SF

 

Just a couple of points that occur to me: your family, as you know it now, will not always be the same — kids grow up, go to college, have families of their own, and eventually you are left alone in a sexless, though perhaps not entirely loveless, marriage — just the two of you, together for the rest of your lives. Is that how you see the rest of your life?

Second: are you content to go to your grave with your children never knowing who you really were?

 

Weston,

Two very good points. Thanks for your insight.