When your heart is in a million places

So much internal healing is taking place for me right now, but a lot of my core sentiments are still very present. The thing is my lens is starting to be different now than it has been in a long time, more positive, more optimistic. But I'm still in such a weird point in my life where everything is being tossed up in the air and I'm trying to figure out a new configuration for all the pieces of my life.

I'm not feeling stuck anymore, and I'm not introspecting ad nauseoum anymore. I'm trusting my instincts finally, and I know my actions are going to lead me to the right decision point. I'm just feeling a lot of feelings and I suppose I just feel like sharing them here.

I'll be more specific... Starting with things that are unrelated to my sexuality. So today, coming home to my daughter and husband in the UK after being in my hometown in the US for a couple of weeks, has tugged on a lot of heart strings.

Stepping off of the plane, all the little cues that tell me I'm back in the UK, made me feel warm, happy, good. I love it here, I really do feel at home here. We've always kind of thought we'd probably go back someday, probably when our daughter is nearly 5 (so in about a year). But we've built a life here, real friends, our daughter has a bestie here, she pointed to her bestie's peg on the way out of nursery today, and said her friend's name with such sweetness. She's got a big group of buddies. Leaving feels so sad.

But the feelings I had at home, those were so happy and warm too, her cousins miss her so much, and they're all a tight knit little group. They love eachother so much, they run around from house to house to play together (they're all in walking distance from each other), and my brother and sisters, we're all close. And I met up with two good friends with kids the same age as my little one. There's something special about the kind of laughter you can share with two buddies you used to get a beer with way before your kid days, and then having your kids become best friends (my daughter was close to their girls when we briefly lived in my hometown).

Wow, this is getting long already. Sorry guys. The bottom line is, I think we know the right choice for us, but it's hard to wrap my head and my emotions around it.


Then there's all the stuff related to my sexuality and my marriage. Guys, I'm so much happier than I've been in a long time, and that's just from reaching the first stage of acceptance in being queer. So I know that this is an integral part of me that needs to be nourished.

I've reached a point where I can see what I need for the next step, and I'm trusting my instincts; but I've stopped trying to figure out the whole game plan all at once. I was so tied to figuring out everything, what being queer means for every facet of my life, and now I realise that's not anywhere near where my head needs to be. I need to be accountable to my husband, honest, etc, but I don't need to figure it all out right now. I am confident in my next step, and I believe that will lead to the next and the next.

But there's still some element of having to give my husband some sense of a long view. And that's when I feel my heart strings being tugged to several places. I think that I already know how we're going to get to the answers. I just have to keep trusting my instincts as I go along. I know that I need a little more experience with women to give me a more solid sense of what I need. And I already kind of know what I would need to have a fulfilling life if I do decide staying with my husband is best. But it's a bit of a weird point to be in, emotionally because there's a very real chance that things could go in various ways. And it just causes a lot of sentiment and emotion.

I'm not really venting, I'm not upset, I'm just sharing.