So I desperately want to be comfortable with being gay and I'm sure I'm doing everything right. Meeting gay people, attending gay support groups, playing football with a gay team, allowing myself fantasises about being with guys, cooing over make gylenthall in a movie I saw the other day, talking to friends and getting their support but still I'm left with anxiety about it all. I know intellectually that there is nothing wrong with being gay plus NO-ONE has even batter an eyelid about it that I've spoken to. I know I'm doing all the things right, but still am left with residual anxiety and depression. I guess the denial of it to myself takes a long time to wear off plus depression thrown in as well doesn't help. I am taking a week off from Saturday going to a Spanish resort where gay pride will be on (throwing myself in the deep end). Hopefully that will ram it home to me that being gay is ok and that there are millions around the world who are so and are happy with it. Sighs.
Gay pride is a great way to help diminish the inherent residual shame and internalized homophobia you are experiencing which is leading to the continued anxiety. Its not a cure all, but definitely part of the journey! Have a great time!
I hope so on the highway. It can't do any harm that's for sure. Being surrounded by thousands of gay people will be enlightening and it's also a break from my normal life where I have constant reminders of my previous straight existence. I think the break will do me good.
I found it personally extremely helpful the first time I went. It was a real catalyst for me to help me come to terms with both IH and shame.
Anxiety and shame are feelings that I have, too. What I have a question about is internalized homophobia. Is this the fear that one has of being gay? If so, that is very real for me, too. But also, the fear of how all of this will turn out. Sorry, if I hijacked your thread. Just looking for some clarification with the terms.
I think it's the internal prejudices you have about being gay. So on one hand a man may be something you desire but on the other hand you may be pushing that away, telling yourself to stay away from those 'queers'
Internalized homophobia is the learned response that gay is bad and therefore, as a gay person, you are bad. As such, it can be unlearned. Something that resonated strongly with me: You have to be able to love yourself before you can really, truly love another. All my life I suffered from a feeling that I was unloveable (because how could anyone else love me if I could not love myself?) Only when I realized that I am not a bad person — that I am not unloveable — was I able to move forward and feel true love for another person and accept that person's reciprocal love.
Weston. Yes that's true, it's learned. Babies don't come out of the womb with prejudice, it's learnt from society telling us we're bad and is in my view very closely related to shame.
Coming to terms with your sexuality isn't going to happen over night. Maybe you're stressing yourself out cause you think you have to have this all figured out by a certain time......you don't. Life is a marathon not a race.
Yeh but being 37 I've wasted a lot of time already. But I guess the longer in denial the longer it takes to come out of it!!
Nah, you have not wasted a lot of time. You have the back nine to still play! There is more than enough time.
Hey, I'm 37 too! At least now I accept that I'm living in a state of denial. Which is weird. You'd think that once you realize you're in denial, it goes away. Not so, at least in my experience. I think denial is more like a habit -- it has be unlearned over time, and through some resistance from your mind which prefers the status quo. Have fun in Spain. I'd be curious to hear your experience at Pride.
