Is marriage so much about sex?? Not!

I mostly disagree with you but can see exceptions. This depends so much on the personal circumstances.

i think that you shouldn't compromise your sexuality, even for the sake of your kids. Kids can manage if the marriage breaks up, and will likely be better off if their parents are happier apart.

I think that the further you are on the Kinsey scale the more you likely need to separate to be happy.

But I do think it's worth exploring whether your marriage can work given the understanding that one spouse begins to acknowledge being bi or queer. If it's possible to explore your sexuality and still maintain a healthy marriage, it can be rewarding and healthy.

But I don't think we can guess what's best for anyone, it's such a personal choice.

 

There's no simple answer to you post, but these are my immediate thoughts.

First, what about your spouse? Is it fair to them to stay in an inauthentic relationship? Of course some people make arrangements and decide to stay together, and that's fine, but I think a spouse should have the right to pursue a relationship with someone capable of sharing their feelings.

Then there's the point that it's not healthy for kids to be exposed to an unhappy marriage. Kids are perceptive, and if their parents are dissatisfied then they're going to feel it.

Another point - as a parent, I want to model taking charging of one's life and living authentically. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that being miserable and dissatisfied in a marriage is the norm. That's not healthy. I don't want them to think that it's a woman's job to fake it and put everyone's needs before her own. There's a difference between being a caring parent/mother and being a martyr. I wouldn't have wanted my parents to do that for me. I also wouldn't want my kids to live their lives like that, it's not healthy, and I'm not going to model it to them.

I'm not saying that anyone should throw away their marriage without careful consideration. However, I think anyone who makes the choice to separate is doing so because they've already tried for years and simply cannot make it work. It's not a decision that ever comes lightly. If you're at the point of even considering divorce, chances are that your kids have already been feeling your unhappiness for quite some time.

It's not the 1950s. Yes, divorce is hard on kids, but we've moved past the idea that "staying together for the kids" is the best way to handle things.

 

Wow.

As if being gay was all and only about sex (nice use of the "gratification" shame-word by the way). There are sexless marriages that work, I suppose, but they tend not to.

Staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids is what marriage is all about? Really? I tried that, and the kids got to witness the descent of my marriage into a toxic stew of psychological abuse (on her part) and mutual hatred. Is that also for the sake of the kids? Yes, we got married because it seemed like a good idea at the time, but it wasn't.

I love my kids more than anything in the world, and that is why I left. I am still there for them, I live 10 minutes' walk away. I am still supporting them in every way that I can, I still love them and they still love me, staying would have made things infinitely worse. There is peace where once the home was a war-zone, that is an unqualified improvement.

The biggest mistake in many marriages that include kids is to put the kids above the relationship between the spouses, what you wrote above is ultimately about that. This mistake is usually recognized as such when the kids move out. When the focus of a marriage was all and only about the kids there is nothing but a hollow shell of what was once a marriage when the kids are gone.

Being gay is not only about sex. I will repeat that, because this is important. Being gay is about attraction to members of the same sex and being only capable of forming meaningful and loving relationships with members of the same sex.

Leaving the kids, or disrupting their lives, is gut-wrenching and heart-breaking for the parents too, but often, doing the right thing will have a tragic dimension. If handled properly, this disruption can be minimized.

 

I often get the feeling that my brother and me are the only (or at least the main) reasons for my parents still being together. And let me tell you, it sucks. It really, really sucks.
I know what's going on between them is none of my business, but there were moments when I wished they would just split up. I don't know if things would be easier then, but at least all the fighting (or the acting like everything is okay to avoid fighting, which is even worse) would be over. I can't stand it anymore. I just want to move out, but unfortunately it will take a few more years until I have enough money to live on my own.
So no, keeping a marriage "for the kids sake" isn't good for the kids. Keeping up the illusion of a perfect family is actually the worst thing to do.

 

^^^-What GW said ^^^

And this:
If it was only about sex I could have sex everyday with a guy just by turning on my phone and that would be that. But its not about getting off; its about forming true meaningful relationships with the same sex and being able to be who you are and not live a lie to the greater world around you.

It works both ways; just having sex with your spouse doesn't really make a marriage or a true passionate bond either.

Maybe some people can live with their friend, raise a family and grow old together, maybe even sexless without being vulnerable in a most a passionate and intimate way. If you can stay in the closet without struggle and truly be there for the family, ok. If that's you go for it.

And is it fair to your spouse to keep them from maybe finding someone who is truly their lover not just their friend? And is it fair to your kids if you struggle in the closet so much that you become distant and lose focus on them?

 

Orchidea123,

You have expressed many of the thoughts that I have held for many years. However, I am getting to the stage where I am thinking through those ideas of "staying fog the kids sake" and as it has been pointed out to me, family dynamics are always changing. When we come out, we aren't ruining the family, but changing the family dynamic. As has been pointed out to me, kids grow up, go to college, move away, etc. That's in all families. For me, I am in a marriage where we are basically just good friends- no romance, no sex- we sleep in different rooms. After the kids are gone, this is not what I want, I don't think. Yes, I want to explore same sex relationships, and to Me this goes way beyond gratification.

 

Yeah, when I told my best friend I was getting a divorce, her first words were "Thank you for doing that. No child should have to live with parents who do want to be together." Her parents stayed together "for the kids" and I know it's had a huge affect on her.

 

Repeat of what Great Whale said. While I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion I believe the OP's post is way off base. I am currently married and have kids. My kids are my priority and I would do anything for them. Coming to terms with my sexuality is not centered in the physical act of sex it is about coming to terms with and being open to accept my true authentic self and who is am. It is about peeking from behind my veil of religious intolerance that I was cloaked in growing up...learning to accept the fact that I can have feelings for a woman and that does not make me a monster. Accepting my sexuality is about realizing that a lot of my life I may have taken steps that I did to suffocate my true feelings and go along with the "norm" and what was expected of me. No where in my thought process of deciding what I am going to do moving forward have I thought "yes I must leave, must have sex with a woman." I am really offended by the OP's statements. They seem to me to be statements from someone who is themselves still confused and unwilling to fully go through the process to try and determine what is going on inside of them. Falling in love with someone of the same sex when your entire life you have been partnered with the opposite sex can be jarring---however for me at least it was an eye opening experience and it allowed me to unravel a tightly wound web of conformity that i had laid in for years. Sometimes one needs to think things through before they speak or write them....

 

Here is some wisdom from children of divorce:

8 Things Kids Of Divorce Want Parents To Know

 

So I have waited. Almost four years to come out to my husband. The last four years of our marriage have been awful. I tried to be there thought I was doing what was best. But somewhere in him he knew I wasn't really there and did not love him. He became angry, depressed and absent. Being mean to our kids. Hiding from the world. And in turn I became depressed. Our kids should not have to witness such things.
I came out to my nine year old and she has been my greatest ally. She said she only wanted our happiness and that families come in all shapes and sizes. She said the change will be hard to get used to but that she feels everyone will be happier. Yes my daughter is an exception and I only told her because I knew that. She is very mature and intelligent beyond her years, but some of that comes from being honest with our feelings. I even confessed to her that I felt I was being a selfish asshole and she said that is not true at all. That sometimes you have to be selfish to make yourself happy.
I am coming out and getting divorced for my children. I want them to know how to be happy. Yes it will be hard for maybe the next six months to a year. But that is just minutes in the grand scheme of life.
I just needed to out this out there because of your strong belief in waiting. Sometimes you just have to grip it and rip it.

 

Sure, indeed. After all, you've gone your entire life up to this point without having what you need, without emotional or sexual fulfillment. Just because it has finally, after a great deal of soul-searching, led you to realize that what you actually need for fulfillment is within your grasp, why should you not deny yourself for another 5 years or more? I mean, after a lifetime of going without sex or a satisfying relationship, what's another 5 years? I think children *should* be exposed to bitterness and seething resentment...how would it not bond the parent closer when they realize that the only reason they can't pursue happiness is that they're waiting for the kids to grow up? And let's see...I suppose they'd also face a choice of sharing this fact with the kids (I'm sure that would aid in their emotional development...we thrive in adversity, after all), or having a part of themselves they could *not* share with the kids...and we all know how healthy it is to bury our emotions deeply...especially if it's only for a few paltry years...after all, time flies.

What *I* really want to know is why *monogamy* is so friggin' important that if one discovers their sexuality after they are married with children, everyone feels that their only options are to (a) leave their spouse and children or (b) continue to deny themselves happiness for the sake of said spouse and children. Wasn't the idea behind monogamy supposed to be that it would *provide* stability for families? And yet this expectation is what forces people to choose between (a) and (b).

 

Orchidea, I must apologize for my tone, it struck a nerve and certain words, if not well thought out, can be quite infuriating.

You know how they show, on airplanes before they take off, that a parent is to put on their mask before putting it on their child? The reason has some echoes to what we are talking about:

We can be "heroic" and self-sacrificing for our kids, but I can tell you that that is not what they want for us. They love us and they want us to be happy, just as much as we want their happiness.

This line from a poem from Yeats expresses well what I am trying to say:

I used to think that loving someone meant doing all that I could to take care of them, but I understand now that loving someone, and being loved, means that I take care of myself for the ones I love, and I want the ones that I love to take care of themselves, for me.

 

I think most people have already been waiting for years, even decades before they hit the end of the road and realise they can't do it any longer. You seem to think it's a flippant decision (and it might be for a rare few), but everything I've seen indicates that people try to make their marriages work for as long as they can, especially when kids are involved.

 

My take on this is perhaps a little different. I don't have kids. My husband's the only person I've ever married. So in some respects I guess I just can't relate.

The thing that strikes me about your post is this, though:

Marriage is about a lot of things beyond sex. It's about honesty and trust and cherishing each other and sharing with each other. I remember when I came out to my parents. I came out to my Mother first and asked her not to tell my Father. She agreed, but then a few days later she told me she couldn't do that. When I objected she told me something I'll always remember. She said I should tell him because he was my Father but if I couldn't she had to do it because he was her husband. She told me that basically while she knew this was obviously more about me than it was about her, that this was something that was happening in her life too. And it was hard for her. She wasn't sure what to think or what to do and when things like that happened in her life one of the main things she would do was to discuss them with her life partner. While she wanted to be there for me and support me, she needed me to understand that her husband was a major part of her support mechanism. And I needed to let her deal with things the way she deals with things. And that would be to talk about it with her husband.

Now that I've got a husband of my own--we've been together for 18 years--I totally understand what she was saying. We share everything. Whenever anything happens to me the first thing that occurs to me is how I can tell my husband about it. I look forward to him laughing with me or crying with me, talking me down or just holding me and telling me that it will be alright. The idea that something major would happen in my life, something that disturbed me and worried me, that threatened to change my life in a major way and left me feeling scared and uncertain and that I would choose not to tell him is pretty much inconceivable to me--as it was for my Mother.

If doing that for a few days, let alone for years at a time, seems like a minor thing to you I think you should honestly reflect on how much there really is to your relationship with your husband. What exactly is it that you are preserving? I honestly don't think you are doing any favors for anyone in the scenario you lay out.

Whatever you choose to do I hope it brings you happiness.

 

OGS, you always have a positive way of saying what my inner snark wants to spew forth nastily.