I just keep crying, and I feel like I cant stop. I know in my head that things arent really that bad, but I just keep crying and wanting to scratch my skin off. And, I feel bad even posting because it seems like im posting the wrong things, but I dont know what the right things are. I feel ashamed, like things are wrong with me, like im just too much. I can talk to my friends some, but I am afraid that if I say all the things I want to say to them, it will be too much and drive them away. I dont understand if here too Im just supposed to say less? I feel like in trying to come out, im still filtering and hiding. I feel wrong and like I dont fit. Im afraid of not ever feeling better. I feel like I wont ever stop crying. I need some gatorade. My sobbing is scarring my cat again. Once I heard that the simplified lies of dysfunctional families were don't speak, dont think, dont feel. Dont speak has always been the worst for me, and I know its not true, but if I said the wrong thing as a kid, mom blew up so much, and it was terrifying. The quintessential example was when I was about 6 or 7 and I asked mom to smell some sandwich meat to see if it was ok or not. (In the hoarder house, accidentally eating spoiled meat was a real risk. ) Mom yelled and yelled at me, asking why I was trying to make her vomit while she was eating. (Why was my mom already eating anyway if the first grader didnt have food?) So, that kind of thing is feeling triggered, by L telling me to not speak unless spoken to at work,, by being in the closet, by filtering so hard around my bi teen client, by being unsure of what is safe to say here. I dont tollerate well not being allowed to speak or being shut down. Maybe someday this old wound wont hurt so bad. I hope I feel better in the morning.
(*hug*) Hugs to you, Katchoo. I enjoy reading your posts. I wish your thread hadn't gotten locked, I enjoyed reading it. I hope you keep posting here, I have taken inspiration from you more than once. Thank you for that! I get the feeling that a lot have been helped by you, here and elsewhere. I'm getting closer to a couple of timeline goals I've set for myself in coming out. Some days I feel full of strength, chomping at the bit. Some, less so. Keep posting, I need your energy! (*hug*)
(&&&) Please keep posting here! I look forward to your posts. I'm sorry about these struggles you had growing up, and I'm sorry about the way this has triggered all of those feelings. I understand your feelings. I'm always happy to listen if you need a friend to talk to.
*hugs* Hope you feel better in the morning - it will get better! I enjoy your posts too - you come across as smart and funny. I think you can post whatever you want here - nothing should be too much as it is designed to be a safe space. I thinking coming out is a process that can take time. I feel I done it partially when I was younger and am doing it again now. I get frustrated by my lack of progress sometimes. Talking about things definetly helps.
A big part of me wants to quit, thinks that the structure/restrictions described by the admins mean this is not a good place for me. But, I also know that making decisions while feeling emotional is typically not wise. Maybe I should take a break abd try to process on my own for a little while. What I have been doing is so helpful, though, but apparently it's not ok, and I have no idea how I was supposed to know that, and now im afraid that I will be shut down again out of no where for other infractions I could not have predicted. My safe place cannot be my safe place if it is directly parallelling my mother issues. I think the admins are just trying to manage a large forum as best they can. But, if their policies are this triggering for me, this may just not work for me.
I think this captures the dynamic that you are experiencing. I'm sorry that you have this emotional baggage from the past. I think you have a learning opportunity here if you stick with it. EC is an amazing site and I was able to come out through the guidance and support I received following its conventional structure. It's run by thoughtful and caring volunteers. EC is not the problem. Instead of blaming them because their reasonable actions are triggering a strong emotional reaction in you, perhaps you should look inward and try to understand and purge the response. Really face and confront your past. Embrace your hurt and it will lose its power over you. Instead of running away in a hissy fit, why don't you try and break your script by trying a new approach. Stay and fight for yourself! (&&&)
I think you missed the point of my post. A member of the EC staff shuts down your thread and then you have a strong emotional reaction. What is causing this? Are you afraid that the EC staff member is going to blow up at you and yell at you like your mom did? Or are you afraid of something else? Is your reaction how you learned to communicate growing up, indirectly through negative emotions? The EC staff isn't telling you not to speak. They are requiring that you adhere to the format of the site. Create a new thread for a specific support topic. Use the wall/blogs for ongoing updates. Totally reasonable requests. Are you rebelling against their authority because they are holding you accountable? This is the sort of introspection and reflection that I was suggesting as a way for you to grow as a result of this interaction. HTH
Hey katchoo, Have you looked at the blog section of this site? It allows comments so could be pretty much the same as your home thread. The only problem is you can't edit entries once you've posted them so your typos are there forever. You could also then have a record of your journey all in one place. Why don't you give it a try and see how you like it? I'm not sure what the default settings are re: comments but why don't you do a test entry and we'll see if we can comment?
(*hug*) Don't worry, things will get better. I was an emotional wreck just last week, now I'm back to normal. It happens to all of us.
Dang I haven't been on for days. It's so horrible to get triggered like that. Admins aren't any better at taking criticism than anyone else. They may have been less gentle than they could have been. You could start a new thread every time you get to 2 pages. It would essentially be the same way of speaking that you have been doing, and I think it would fit what admin wants just label the newest direction of thought each post. Also if you need to find your post go into your section, where the wall is, and there will be a link somewhere in there for statistics. You can look up every post or comment you've made there. It's about the only way I can keep up with this place. They are in chronological order with most recent first. Sorry I went straight to fixing. it's something I'm working on. Lots of hugs, you are welcome here.
Well apparently I fall afoul of the restrictions also. Tried to post this to your wall, but apparently I'm not sufficiently social to do so since I don't post everywhere. I prefer to carefully consider my posts and place them where I think they'll do some good instead of just accumulate numbers. I tried to post this to your wall, but I don't have enough posts. At any rate, here's a link that might help you find more about Wicca and paganism in general. Getting Started in Paganism or Wicca If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a line on my wall. I'll answer once my post count is high enough. Take care, and hug yourself for me Morgana PS. The "Annoyed" was with EC, not with you
Bunny, since I've had a couple of days sitting on this, its fine you went staight (or queer) to fixing. Feelings are simmered some now. At some point yesterday, I heard my therapist's voice in my head. I dont have to figure out what I should do. Moment by moment, maybe I can ask what I want and where I am in that moment, and maybe that's what I need. Right now, I feel like posting. If later I dont, thats also fine. I am still fearing getting smacked and shut down out of nowhere again, told im doing it wrong when I literally had no idea. I feel like I missed orientation or something. I just kind of want to feel secure in knowing what I can expect from here. Not sure how to do that. ---------- Post added 7th May 2016 at 05:11 PM ---------- Morgana, thanks. Ill look at that. ---------- Post added 7th May 2016 at 05:20 PM ---------- I think I realized another reason the forum structure thing is bugging me. Maybe if I articulate it, I will see the solution. I have ADHD. One of the barriers to me doing any task is transitions or just getting started. I have to make my barrier to entry on any task as easy as I can. Like, if I had to decide where the forks should go every time I unload the dishwasher, I would never unload the dishwasher. Having the system in place that reduces the number of decisions to get moving helps me to get moving. My forks go in this drawer. My rambly, not sure what im going to say until I say it posts go in this thread. Dont have to think about it. Easier. Wonder how I can make it feel automatic and continuous instead of like something I have to keep labeling and deciding and restarting and transitioning, which are things my adhd hates. Not sure. The blog function feels so lonely. I have never been good at journaling because it feels isolating. I like it here because it feels like a support group. Idk. Ill think about it. ---------- Post added 7th May 2016 at 05:28 PM ---------- Dammit. Im crying again. At least im not ugly crying, though. I wish I could make sad feels just go away. Maybe I could with large quantities fof garlic bread, lol.
I can relate to the 'don't speak ' that was my past experience and now as an adult I can beat myself up for .... Guess what ! 'Not speaking ' I'm learning to be heard it's a slow process but progress is what matters no matter how small ... I hate being shut down too or when people arnt listening -- Expressing ourselves and validating that is the most important -- Keep up the good work ✨
It might not be the best help ever but it's OK to cry. In fact it can be good so try not to punish yourself for acknowledging your own emotions. Have all these revelation come about as a response to time with your therapist or is it ideas you've been developing alone or from non-professional sources? Either way, you should discuss these issues and your crying with your therapist. Hopefully then you can start to find your path out of this sadness.
Haha, my life is therapy. I have a therapist, but I also am a therapist (with kids, but 2 of my clients are questioning sexuality) and almost all my friends are therapists (and few if any are straight). So, like nonprofessional sources probably just includes comic books and Netflix binges. My blurry life. Last week with my therapist we talked about my 17yo client who wants to come out to her religiously concervative parents in session, which is going to be tough for me only about a week before I come out to my religiously concervative parents. I still havent told my therapist about the date I went on. I didnt really have time to deal with both topics. The girl is out of town this weekend for family stuff, so im in a bit of limbo about if we are going to go on another date, or if maybe we will hang out as friends?? We have each initiated texting several times, but im not sure if she likes me or not. Maybe ill go on a walk for a bit.
