I didn't know if it's better to post this in here or in the "Coming Out" subforum, but since the age range in here is... more experienced, I decided here was better. Mods, if it needs to go in the other one, feel free to move it. So, I'm a month down from coming out to my wife and almost 2 weeks down since moving out. At some point, I'm going to need to tell my 2 wonderful kids (boy is 13, girl is 11) that I'm trans. I'm at a loss, though. I've found COLAGE, a group for kids of LGBT parents, I've read articles, and tips, watched videos, etc. Ultimately, I'm scared. My kids are my world and, while I put on a really big front about being brave and tough and whatnot, I'm so scared of losing them. My rational side of my brain says "that's stupid, Emma, of course they'll always love you" but I can't shake this fucking fear of what if they don't. What if they "side" with my wife? These "what if's" are killing me. :bang: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
I wish I could give you encouragement that your kids will be fine, not side with your wife and be OK in the short term, but the short terms can go either way. I do believe, however, long term, if you love your kids, continue to show them your love and be there for them, and as they mature, they should understand the difficult challenges you have faced and will be there for you. Either way, you are setting a massive example for them. Your expressing through your own actions the importance of being themselves and living life the way they should as individuals. This is a lesson that gets lost all to often. Now, I hope it all goes great for you and I wish you the best thoughts for a successful outcome.
Thanks, OTH.. Time is the great provider of perspective. Kasey, yes - we have raised both to be LGBT friendly. In fact, I have an HRC sticker on the back of my car, but they don't have any gay friends/close family for reference so it's all been theoretical up until now.
Hey Ms Emma I know you and your wife are on the outs right now. But, it has only been a month. Maybe she will begin to come around a bit for the sake of your children. That might be a game changer. I also understand you can't really wait too long to tell your kids. Ultimately, your kids will see you for who you are. I just hope the struggle to get there is not too difficult. Best to you.
Emma, I understand how you feel. I am out to some very close friends, my wonderful wife, my mom, and a couple of my doctors. I have two daughters and two stepsons to whom I am not out, and might not ever be. I am not transitioning so I don't feel a huge need to do so with them. But I know how you feel. A few weeks ago, I went out to a party. I was all dressed up in a cute skirt and blouse, had a pretty scarf on, and done my makeup and nails. I was on my way to the party when I got a call from my wife. Both of us had completely forgotten that we were supposed to babysit two of our grand-kids, and my daughter had just shown up to drop them off. I had left the house about 10 minutes before she got there. One small delay, one bit of procrastination on my part and my daughter would have walked in on me in the midst of putting on my makeup. That close call really got me thinking about what to tell my kids should it come out to them without me actually planning it. I'm still thinking about it and still pondering how I'd handle it. In the meantime, we make sure that we keep better tabs on our schedule, and keep the privacy lock on our door locked (it has two deadbolts, only one of which is accessible from outside). My daughter has the door code and normally just walks in without knocking, which has always been ok. My daughters were raised open minded, and compassionate. They have both had friends in the LGBT community growing up. All I can do is hope that they will remember all of that when they come in and Dad's in girl clothes and made up as well as they are. I have to do the same thing you do. Trust to their innate goodness and kindness and how I raised them. Short term may be rough, but I believe that their love for you (and my kids' love for me) will get them over any roughness in the long term. Hugs and warm thoughts your way; know you have a compassionate person in a similar boat to yours who wishes you well. Morgana
I dont know your kids, but some of my thoughts, in no particular order.... The phrase "high hopes and low expectations" keeps me sane with teens and preteens. I put my hopes on my face and my expectations in my brain. They tend to rise to my hopes just a bit, and if they give me anything other than super terrible, and can feel happy and relieved. Also, if there is anything they get to have control over in this, it might be helpful to remind them of those. Like, I want you to think about anything you do or dont want me to do this month when im at your school for band concert. Or maybe, when you have had time to think about it, we can talk about what would helo you to feel comfortable when I see MacKenzie's parents when they come into my store. Those might not be great examples, but, if there is anything you can give them to be in control of, that would be cool. Like, would you like for me to do ____ or ____ now? Do you need to be alone now, just watch tv together now, or keep talking? Would you like me to check in with you sometime about how you feel and your questions, or would you rather I wait for you to bring it up? Giving them a couple choices. I work with a lot of foster kids who struggle with what to call caregivers. My standard line is, you can call the grown ups whatever you want as long as its kind, or for older kids, not a bad word. Might be nice to reassure them that they can call you what they feel comfortable calling you. What was my other thought.... ill post it if I remember it. ---------- Post added 8th May 2016 at 11:37 PM ---------- Oh, other standard line of mine. Reminding kids, however you feel is ok. Some kids would be mad, some sad, some apathetic, some excited, some feel glad they finally understand, some lots of feelz at the same time. However you feel is ok, and you arent going to hurt my feelings by having or expressing yours. I'm the grown up, so I will take care of myself, and you dont have to. Im here for you, I love you the same as I always have, and im open to talking about your feelings and questions whenever you want. ---------- Post added 8th May 2016 at 11:42 PM ---------- Oh, another thing. I am assuming you have your own therapist? Its potentially a good idea to normalize that as a way you are taking care of yourself so they dont have to, and also have identified in advance a therapist or two for them if possible and let them know that is an option for them, to have someone outside the family to talk to if they want, but I probably would force them to unless they like totally decompansate after you come out. Dont think that will happen, though. It would not be appropriate for your therapist to be their therapist, but I think its fine if those therapists coordinate. Occasionally having family sessions with each person's therapist in the room can be uber productive. ---------- Post added 8th May 2016 at 11:45 PM ---------- You will do great!
I agree with OnTheHighway. If you stay in your kids lives, continuing to be a loving and supportive parent, they're not going to turn you away. If my mom came out as trans tomorrow, I would be extremely confused, but she's my life as much as I am her's. She would never leave me in the dust and never has, and because of that, I would never do it to her - for pretty much anything. I don't know what's going on with your wife, are you guys splitting custody and getting things pertaining to that in legal writing? That would help so there's no keeping them from you, if that's the type of person she is. I can't imagine how hard this is, but it's better to have any kind of loving parent than none at all. I think their young age is an advantage here. Have you spoken to a counselor about what to do? I wonder, if you can't do that, an admin or moderator here could give you some advice. Good luck, MsEmma! Just be an awesome parent. The rest will fall into place.
