Bicurious and closeted women freaking out?

I can't say that I 'freaked out' exactly, but it took me 4 years to tell my crush that I liked her (but it was mostly because I was already in a happy/complicated/thrilling relationship with a man - still am ). Of course, I haven't been in a physical relationship with a woman so I can't say how I might respond if/when I had to make the first physical move. I'd expect an exhilarating mix of passion and uncertainty.

But I wonder if part of this 'freaking out' is due to the notion that women, historically, haven't been encouraged to make the first move. I was terrified the first time I called a man to ask him on a date mainly because I had no previous experience. And I don't think I've ever been the first to initiate a kiss. (Though, after that first kiss/sexual encounter, I was almost entirely responsible for initiating anything - funny how that is.) Women are taught to be pursued, men are taught to be the pursuer.

Maybe?

 

Yes! Mine was protracted over a long time, cuz I was so committed to my closet, so on me it looked more like a chronic anxiety disorder than one episode of panic. But, this is a big deal and a big change. A little panic makes a lot of sense. Congrats! You are one of the many versions of normal!

 

After hanging with my trigger for only like a week, but knowing her for a few months I told her I was into her. We were both with other people but I felt she should know. She was out, I wasn't. We tried to stay away for each other didn't work. Two months later we were sneaking around. Just to see each other. Nothing else. Then one day I just decided to kiss her. I didn't freak, it came so natural. And it was the best kiss of my life. Intimate and amazing. Everything with her came easy. I never freaked. That was four years ago. She recently broke this off, of course now that I am getting divorced. But the thought of being with another woman is freaking me out now. The idea of dating is scary. But I want to, just really nervous.

 

I panicked and freaked out. I'm pretty sure my mother would shun me for identifying as anything but straight and my dad would support me. I don't want to be the grain of rice that tips them to divorce. And I don't want to lose my mom...

So, there was me, trying to pray away the gay and falling hard for one of my best friends. What happens? We went on a road trip. We drove 18 hours to a camping thing to meet with other friends. We flirted, we kissed. I'd thought the whole seeing sparks thing was poetic dramatization, so I was surprised when I saw them.

After that, I tried to find the most handsome "perfect" guys to experiment with and have never come close to feeling the same things as I did during that kiss. But to be fair, I tended to gravitate toward jackasses that I wouldn't feel bad about leading on and using for my experiments.

We had a talk later (we are good friends and I never shook the crush) and she needs different things in a relationship than I can give her. Long story short, we are both submissive in bed. It wouldn't work that way. We are still really good friends and having her support helped me get over accepting that I am bi even though my family might react badly.

 

Freaked out? Yup! All internal, so I could make myself sick and all that good stuff that comes along with severe, bottled stress and anxiety.

Her being a girl scared me. What did this mean for me now? Was I gay, bi, curious; was it just her, did I find my soulmate, is she a witch?? Why am I so drawn to a GIRL? What will my family think, what will my friends think...omg she's so hot...wait, why do I think she's so hot?

Some of my friends, definitely my best friend, and sometimes she relieved those tense feelings for me. I just lied to her (a great example of how stupid liking her made me act toward her) that I found some other girl, who happened to look so similar to her attractive, and that was scaring the hell out of me. Then when I told a friend, they said it was normal -- then when I told my best friend, she didn't care or make a big deal out of it at all. She was my lifesaver.

My freaking out made me act like anyone but myself. I was more reserved, jealous, let her get away with anything, and acted awkward as hell - I imagine. There was a particular time that I thought we were going to kiss. It kills me a little inside every time I think about it, hahaha. We were sitting so close, and it was so dark, and her face was right by my face and we were looking into each others eyes for a few seconds too long for friendship and I totally caved and broke the stare. I sat forward and freaked out in my head about what this was supposed to mean, and what was happening. I'll never forget the feeling of having to break such an intense moment out of fear with that person being so close to me. That had to be awkward for the both of us to some degree. It wasn't a normal moment of just being.

Now, post trigger and coming out torture, I would say that I'm way more chilled out. I would never be that way again because I know better, and it sounds like you know yourself better too! I also have to relax with coming on too strong, with anyone, but especially with girls for some reason. I am way more aggressive with them, or maybe they just need longer than guys do and I don't like to wait. I think it's all about practice and doing your best to be yourself.

 

Did I freak out? Yes. When I first realised I had feelings for my friend I had only ever been attracted to men before and I had a hard time accepting it. Also quite commited to the closet and not wanting to be gay. But she ended up being my girlfriend and we had a relationship for a year and a half so I did get over it We were very close friends before anything happened though and luckily she felt the same way (can't say I've been so lucky with girls since!). Everything happened quite naturally, it maybe helped that it was also her first time will a girl and she was also Bi.

With my crush now I feel really nervous, not sure why. We have eye contact for a little bit too long and I'm always the one to break it - sometimes it just feels so intense. But it's an awkward situation as we work together and are both in relationships so maybe I should be nervous.

I think being open and honest about what you want can only be a good thing. I suppose someone questioning might not be ready to hear it/act on it until they are ready? I don't think it's scary though.

 

Total freak-out.

With my trigger...well, she triggered me. I turned into an alter-ego version of myself
I just did not like. Anxious, jealous, clingy, needy, paranoid...

I pretty much wen through everything Yeah went through.

I kept telling myself I had platonic feelings for my trigger, but there I was, acting like a lover. And I don't USUALLY act like this with my friends. Why am I acting like this NOW? Oh, I know why, it's because I admire her and she is technically attractive. *Laughs at myself*

This resulted in a panic attack and being rushed to the hospital, thinking I was gonna die. Panic attacks and palpitations I struggled with at home. Health anxiety. Multiple doctor visits for physical symptoms that were chalked up to stress. Therapy. Fired therapist. New therapist. Now searching for a sex therapist too boot. This has not been easy for me.

Now, I think I would handle it much better.

I actually revealed my true feelings to my trigger, mainly to face my fears. I also told her I was changing my phone number, not giving her my regular email address, and that although I wished her the best, this was closure. It helped...after a while.

---------- Post added 21st Jun 2016 at 10:47 PM ----------

I think, now, if there is even a possibility of a crush- I'd be honest w/my crush and reveal my bisexuality.

 

I don't feel like I had a "trigger" person at all. I accepted my desire for a woman so long ago that it only felt natural when I started dating them, but it wasn't an accidental thing, I went on a dating site looking for women. When we kissed it felt amazing! It just confirmed what I had thought. It was after we stopped dating that I freaked because now I was alone in lesbian world and questioning everything about my past and myself.

 

Well, it's pretty much the same on the other side.

My trigger crush wasn't someone I knew or even had a chance to interact with, as he was an actor on a TV show. But I felt the same way most of you have described.

Now, I met a guy on a dating site, and we had our first date last week.....and all that came right back, especially after we started getting physical with each other(not sexually, but romantically). I was scared, because I had never been there before, I was always told I wasn't ever supposed to go there, and I was enjoying it! I was even becoming aroused by him and the situation we were in....it got awkward, because of my reaction, but luckily he's been really cool about it since I told him he is my first.

 

I didn't freak out at all. When I had my first same sex kiss it was so exciting and different for me. I saw fireworks, then we only kissed for about 4 months so by the time it came to have sex I was climbing the walls with desire and anticipation. The girl I was with was an old friend and I was very comfortable with her so I didn't feel awkward at all. She was more experienced than I was which helped because basically she did everything first. But I had no problem reciprocating.

 

This sounds very similar to me. We went slow. She led the way, and I followed as I became more comfortable.

 

I totally freaked out but maybe not in the way that you mean. But I had a mental illness at the time. I still have it but it is under more control now. So I was freaking out in other ways too so it's hard to say what caused what.

But one thing I did was to involve myself with a person who was really not good for me in any number of ways and to think I was in love when I wasn't. And I think that was part of "freaking out," that I thought I could somehow change this person and make a good relationship out of it even though I knew all along I couldn't.

I also have huge denial. I am not sure what causes all this denial but it is huge, and sometimes I freak out thinking "Oh, you're just straight, and you want attention and want to be special" (I know that sounds ridiculous, but my brain sometimes tells me things that are wrong.)

At this point I think I'm ready to be involved with a woman who is actually good for me, but now it's pretty much too late. I know people say it is never too late but I'm almost fifty and I am just not going to find a woman to date. Especially a woman who will accept that I'm not really sure how I identify.

Anyway I don't mean to go on and on about myself. To answer your question in a brief way "Yes I freaked out and I am still freaking out."