well, i have my first girlfriend at 30. shefoundme - get it? username? - while i was running around town with several men, sewing my lady oats in an attempt to cut loose because i was going through a divorce from a man. that divorce will be final in a couple months. he is a good man, and he was a good-enough husband, but i was wildly unhappy. i moved from the midwest to NY to see if i'd like it here, and he was supposed to follow me here if i liked it here, but the longer i was without him, the clearer it was that i wasn't supposed to be with him at all, so i told him to stay home, and i stayed here in NY. i'm bad at being a lesbian. it's new and i don't fucking get it. women are difficult and my gf is an amazing person that anyone would be lucky to have as a friend or lover but goddamn it, this is hard. men were so fucking easy. she is a feminist and i have zero education. i stick up for women and believe in women's rights, obviously, but i am incompetent with the big stuff, and she'll say things to me that tear me down, even though they're just meant to challenge my belief system and make me question heteronormativity and the patriarchal nature of our society and etc etc. i know it's important, but dating men meant i didn't spend a lot of time talking about this kind of thing, and it's heavy and exhausting. i moved in way too soon with my girlfriend who lives with her parents, and now i battle the guilt of living with them and trying to contribute by buying groceries rather than paying rent - their idea. the family welcomes and loves me and i feel like i can't repay them adequately, and that i take up too much space, that i irritate them, etc. this may all be inventions of my own making but it feels like i should be doing more of some and less of the other and it's making me crazy. i can't afford to move out. i'm about to go through major surgery which will require 2 weeks off work to recover, and i'm currently battling very severe depression, without medication because i had to stop taking it because of the medical condition - Cushing's Disease - that the surgery is for - remove brain tumor. The depression is part of a mood disorder, but the mania isn't surfacing. My gf has to see all of that and she couldn't leave me if she wanted to because (A) i moved in and have nowhere to go, and it happened when it did because she insisted... and (B) she can't dump me in the middle of what i'm going through right now medically and emotionally - no one with half a heart could do that. my friends and family and literally everyone i care about, is incredibly supportive of me being in my first same-sex relationship. it actually relieved a lot of the judgement i was getting because of my pending divorce - "oh well if she's gay, it never would have worked, and she's so brave to leave that marriage and come out!" sure, whatever works for them. in reality, i was pursuing divorce before she found me, and i had a period of hetero-promiscuity between deciding to end my marriage, and meeting my girlfriend. when we met, my girlfriend and i both had high sex drives. we fucked every day and it was amazing and so validating for me since she is my first, and i hope only. we talked about how great it was that we both had such a high drive, and how much fun it was. then of course reality sunk in and it died off. then, i went off my medication (anti-depressant) because of the medical stuff, and my sex drive skyrocketed. the stress of having to see me struggle, and feeling like she's my emotional punching bag (she isn't but i absolutely understand how she would feel like it), has killed her drive. sexual rejection eats at me heavily, and i can't function in a relationship without lots of physical affection, and lots of sexual attention. this is very very difficult for me and she knows it - the pressure on her is a turn-off. i'm working on alleviating this discord, but it's still really hard. i used to have my shit together. i used to be healthy, and i was into emotional self-improvement. she found me (hence the name) at my worst, and has helped me to try to do better and be better and get back to who i used to be, BUT she never saw that side of me so she doesn't know what a fucking mess i am right now and i feel like no matter how much better i get, she'll always see me as fragile and volatile and she won't ever be able to see me as my best self, even if i can get back there. she's got the "life coach" vibe and is very positive and optimistic - almost to a fault, because she can't relate to my feelings of hopelessness. she has her shit together 110%, and it makes me feel intimidated, not good enough, and it also means that she thinks she knows best. i'm used to being the one who's always "right" in a relationship (me vs. straight men, win every time), being the Alpha, being the one in charge who knows best. it really fucks with me that all of a sudden, i'm the Reacher instead of the Settler. basically, i'm struggling. a lot. i am on my way to recovery, but it is such a slow slow walk and i am fucking drowning at the moment so i googled lgbt support, and depression support, and bipolar support, and whatever else, so i could get some help. i found an lgbt therapist who will see me at a price i can afford, but because of her schedule and my surgery, i can't see her for over a month. i am trying to use diet and exercise to help my mental situation but it takes years for those changes to really have a lasting effect on brain chemistry. my girlfriend loves me so much, and i can't do anything right. i say the wrong things, feel the wrong things, do the wrong things. i keep hurting her and i hate myself for it. i can't be better right now, and i'm trying my best. she has changed me permanently in a way that makes it impossible for me to go back to who i was before we met. and i wouldn't want to anyway. i am fucked without her and i know my emotional situation right now is driving her away and making her distance herself from me, when that's the worst thing for me right now. don't know what i'm looking for by writing all of this, but kudos to you for reaching the end. <3
Exercise and mindfulness meditation have been proven to as effective as antidepressants. Maybe you could look into them for yourself? Sounds tough for you. Keep going x
Thanks <3 I have done a ton of therapy and even DBT, so I'm educated in all the mainstream non-medicinal approaches to mental health, and in some of the lesser knowns, as well. Unfortunately I am so, so far fucked right now that all I can get myself to do is go running, and even that isn't often. Anything else requires a starting level of calm that I can't get to in the first place. I'm up at night with panic attacks, or sobbing uncontrollably for hours, etc. It's not good. I'm not a suicide risk because I could just simply never do that to the people who love me, but I'm exhausted, and I want this to be done. Bad things keep happening, and the good things can't keep up. Things are getting worse and it feels very hopeless. Being in my first gay relationship is just a puzzle piece in this very fucked up situation through which I'm trying to navigate. This probably isn't the most ideal forum for me to be venting in, but it's the one that seemed safest. <3 Maybe someone has advice for women in their first gay relationship, who are going through a divorce from a man??? :help:
Welcome to EC, shefoundme. I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Hopefully the surgery will be a total success. When is the surgery? Have you talked to any of your doctors about your current emotional state? I wonder if the tumour is responsible for some of these traits that are impacting your relationship. Have you discussed this possibility with your gf? It would be a shame to let something you have no control over ruin things for you two. Maybe you could map out some plan for the time between now and the surgery where she takes some regular quality time for herself, getting out and doing things but also scheduling some specific times to be intimate with you. I know it doesn't sound very romantic but I wonder if removing the pressure on her of worrying when you might "pounce" on her and getting you some much needed attention when she knows it's going to happen and is prepared for it. And maybe throwing in some specifically, non-sexual massages might introduce some calm for you? I'm sorry. This is so hard. Hopefully, you don't have to wait long for the surgery.
I'm glad your surgery is soon. That should be a load off your mind. But I did want to suggest you don't rely on it to "fix" your relationship issues as well. Even if you go back to what you were like before, whatever that was, it doesn't mean what the two of you had will automatically come back, too. Can I ask? How long were you going out before you moved in? Is she younger than you? Are you getting therapy as part of your treatment? Or separately?
OP, very sorry about your situation. Sounds like a lot of stressful stuff is going on at the same time. You should probably make your surgery a priority and really take good care of yourself. As for your relationship, you seemed to feel that you are not good enough for your gf... I know that feeling and it totally sucks but you have to be patient with yourself. If you feel like you are lacking in some aspects (not as educated, not as well-spoken), then take small steps to improve yourself but don't be frustrated if you don't get there in a few days/months/etc. Also even if you don't feel as 'sophisticated' as your gf, it does not mean that you don't deserve her affection. I hope I didn't come across as rude. I can truly relate to the feeling of inadequacy in relationships (platonic in my case) and the best way to address it imo is to accept/love/improve yourself. I am not going to blab on about therapy since you are already doing that. That's good! Anyway take care. Hope you can work things out.
