Im 40 dating an 18 year old guy

Teens with daddy issues. Most that engage in a relationship with a man twice as old(we're not talking just about looks here, but mindset) are emotionally unstable. But if you're both happy then go for it.
Either way, you're not crazy for dating a 18-years old. You're lucky.

 

Hi ashanti,

Such relationship are fraught with some important issues, not the least of which are maturity and vulnerability. It is extremely rare that such relationships work, mainly because you are at very different stages in your life. A 22-year difference between a 55 year old and a 33 year-old is a vastly different situation than this one, because both, at least, have been around the block.

Here's something I learned a long time ago that has served me well: A wise person avoids the trouble a smart person has to get out of.

 

When I was in my adolescence, I was once that kid in a similar situation as you just articulated.

It was a complete and utter disaster.

I was in need of a father figure, I gravitated to a guy whom showed me affection that I was otherwise lacking at home. It felt good at first, it satisfied some basic emotional needs that I had, as well as satisfied physical desires. But the imbalance was massive.

It took me about a quarter of a century to sort through the damage that was caused in my head and emotionally heal. At the time, all seemed fine; in reality, it created an artificial psychological foundation built on cracked egg shells.

And come to think of it, referencing my post from yesterday on why I am discouraged from being attracted to adolescent guys:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/212366-gay-culture-ageism.html

I should amend that post and include the above as the primary reason.

 

Oh just do it and enjoy your time.

Any relationship can have its issues, so don't worry about that.
If you like this person and they like you, then forget about their age. 18 is old enough to go and kill in the name of some policitial body, so its perfectly reasonable to assume they can be aware of who they are dating.

Vulnerability is something people use as an excuse when in reality, vulnerability has less to do with age and more to do with mindset.

Don't listen to naysayers. They have their reasons for having an issue, but thats their reason for why they shouldn't. If YOU feel uncomfortable or that your taking advantage, then don't do anything OR deal with it, but no one knows you or this 18 year old, so any opinion on it is purely based on their issues with the older/younger relationship, which is generally borne from social conventions.

 

Of course nobody here knows you or your friend and everyone is different and looking for different things in a relationship. That is all cool.

But, I am sort of a magnet for young men and women. It has nothing to do with my looks, that I am youthful for my age, or any of that. What I offer is safety and acceptance and some younger people desire that. My wife calls them my little brothers.

With the girls (to me that is what they are), there is no question that there is a sexual component in their attraction to me. The boys, sometimes, but, I am in the closet and I think it is more a safe place to be gay with an older guy...no risk.

Some of these kids will be friends for years. I later learn that often they had some pretty rough issues in growing up...abuse, neglect etc. So, just a warning.

Again, not saying anything about your friend. Sometimes it just is what it is.

 

Vunlarabiloty has to do with emotional maturity. Emotional maturity in an 18 year old is not fully developed. That 18 year old might think he is emotionally mature sufficient to handle such an age gap, but he will have no idea until he has some real life experiences.

As Dan Savage suggests, if your compelled to pursue such a relationship with a younger guy (thanks for the tip on this Weston), then make sure you leave him emotionally in no worse shape than he was when you started.

Proceed with caution.

 

I agree with the others that you really need to think this through before proceeding. I believe in the EC rule of thumb of not dating a guy under 27 because they haven't developed emotional maturity. Hookups are a different story of course.

So I would ask yourself why you want to date him? Is there a genuine and amazing emotional connection or it is more physical? Since you mentioned that you are young looking with a full head of hair, I'm wondering if you see dating him as affirmation of your youth?

I agree with OTH that Weston's tip about Dan Savage's campfire rule is great and something you should google. Whatever you decide, please be a responsible adult for his sake.

 

Hey Siennafire

It is Camp "site" rule not Camp "fire" rule.

1. Campsite rule is that you leave a campsite in better shape than you found it.
2. Campfire rule is that you extinguish all embers and bury the remnants.

Practice 1 not 2!!

 

Personally, at 39, I couldn't see dating someone so much younger than myself. One, is that I have kids that are only a couple years younger than that, so it feels kinda "pedo" to me. Also, while I do feel youthful, I want someone who is more mature and closer to a similar place in their lives as I am.

 

I thought campfire rule is don't p*ss on it until you've finished the marshmallows :icon_wink
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If you're 40 and many of your friends are around the late teens or early 20s then go for it. If you general don't have any reason to connect with someone in that age range, then there is room for a relationship of sorts there but not the type you may be hoping for.
As others have said it could end in a way that causes damage but an 18 year old is in a position to bounce back from it with the support of friends etc. you may find it harder to get that level of support as the 40 year old, suffering the aftermath ( which could be equally if not more damaging). It's not fair but it's how it is sadly.

I suppose the issue is really why are you thinking age could be a problem? What are the reasons you have doubts and concerns?

 

Hey, he's over 18, it's legal. Love has no age, seriously, don't let it get in the way if you make each other happy.

 

I found myself in a similar situation last year. I met a man, 19yo from a dating app and we hooked up a few times. I say a man because physically he was a man. I am not into boyish men at all. He was a really nice guy. He wanted more. At the time I was not in a place to give him more. Also I am non-monogamous and I was upfront about that. He wanted an exclusive relationship.
Another problem is that niether of us were totally out. He still lives with at home with mom while he goes to school. Hes not out to her.
He really pushed to move things to the next level but I let him know in no uncertain terms what I was willing to give which was a very close friends with bennies relationship. Eventually he decided to break things off.
I recently heard from him again. He had dated a couple men since and was wanted that fwb relationship. So I still see him on occasion.

In this situation my take away was that he really justed longed for a relationship. He wanted a boyfriend. He didn't care about the age. But that ofcoarse was him.

 

Not trying to be so cynical, but there is that segment of younger guys that are looking for a sugar daddy; which leads them to push hard for a relationship.

 

I don't have strong opinions about it.

The only thing is to make sure he is actually 18. There are countless cases of young guys lying about their age to hook up. Usually not a problem, until their parents find out about it and charge you with sexual molestatoin.

So, just make sure he is 18.

 

Sorry Dan Savage's Campsite rule

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savage_Love

Thanks again Weston for posting this originally.

 

I'm FWBs with an 18/19 year old couple, so I suppose you know what my reaction would be to this. To be fair, we're not dating, so it is different. But there was a time when I wanted to properly date one of them and it probably wouldn't have worked out. And part of me doesn't even think it had to do with his age really.

Some people are more mature than others at 18. And like all relationships, you have the definite possibility of getting your heart broken. Just follow the camp site rule and be smart about things. He's an adult, so legally that's what matters. And as long as you care for each other and aren't using each other, you should all be good whatever happens.

 

CameOutSwinging, your posts never cease to amaze me, particular this one when taken in conjunction with where you are on your journey. If your still having doubts about what your supposed to be doing with your life, I think this post from you makes the decision crystal clear! (And separately, hope your having a lot of fun with the two of them).

 

He's gonna dump you by the time you reach 40 or 50. LOL