I might as well give it up...UPDATE

Well done! You bravely took several steps to take care of yourself. So you made a tiny mistake and forgot the number at work. You'll get it soon. In the meantime be patient and be kind to yourself. When I'm working up the courage to face the hard challenges, I find it helps to celebrate my victories, no matter how small they might seem to someone else. So celebrate the completed paperwork! Getting your name on the list! Getting contact info! Reaching out to talk with others (agencies, support line, here at EC, etc)! These are all great achievements, look at how much you've done already

You are so brave!

 

Wow! You did so many brave things! I'm so proud of you!

 

What you've done is really admirable. Well done.
Let us know how you're making out with things now.

 

It DOES matter!

Please, please don't hurt yourself. Do whatever you can to get past the urge to do that. Have you previously done therapy? Were you given any coping tools to use when you felt like this? Even if it's counting backwards from 100 or 1000. Do anything until the feeling passes.

You say work is crazy busy now but surely your work can be covered for a day or even couple of hours. Your mental health is more important than that. Surely, if you had a migraine or the flu, you could get time off. This is no different. They can get along without you for a day.

You. Are. Doing. Nothing. Wrong.

 

*hugs* you're doing a good job, and I'm sorry your feelings haven't caught up yet to tell you that you're doing well. I am proud of you for taking steps that are good for you.

Cutting matters because you matter. I never put it off limits for people, just want them to consider the risks and how to minimize those risks. But, I prefer to not self injure if I can help it because I feel a lot of shame after.
It's nice to have some coping strategies.

Lately I've been putting my hands under running water until the urge goes away. That helps me for a lot of reasons, like that it feels good, it helps keep my hands somewhere safe, I love water, and I can picture the pain washing off my skin and down the drain.

It also helps me if I move, like walk or run or go to a different room or something. I think it's the fight or flight thing, that I either want to hurt something (myself) or get away, so sometimes moving around helps the urge pass.

I have to keep breathing. When I'm upset, I hold my breath, which makes me more anxious.

I also really love towels and find them comforting, so I will sometimes rub them on my skin or wrap myself up in them and imaging them washing or absorbing the bad energy out of my body.

I tend to feel anxiety in my hands and chest, and it feels like it is collapsing in on itself. Lately I have been imagining being a super hero with an energy power coming out of my chest and hands or wrists. That helps me feel like I can harness the pain and bad feelings and be powerful or use them instead of succor bing to it. Weird, I know, but it works for me.

Sometimes I look for my favorite color or something pretty and stare at it, like trying to soak it into my eyes.

I have friends who keep something that smells nice around or chew gum or use lotion or hug a pillow or color or massage their arms or draw on themselves with a red marker. Whatever works for you.

But, like I said, if you can reduce the risk and be as safe about it as you can, self injury can be ok. It's less about trying to die and more about trying to express yourself and handle pain, and one way or another we want you to express yourself and handle pain. It's not worth emotionally beating yourself up over.

Sorry so long and ramble y. Hope something helps.

 

You're such a strong brave woman. Don't give up. Its good that you're making friends too that will get you a long way.

 

Ok. The crying thing. He doesn't want you to cry in front of other people. He doesn't for a second consider it cheating. He is scared someone will ask what is wrong and you will tell them. That fear gives you power. Use it. Speak out. Let others see you cry.

And get the fuck out of there!

 

Um, excuse me but if you don't do bad things, you can't be made to look bad.

It seems when he opens his mouth to talk he's attempting to fabricate a reality which you know, deep down, is not true. Remind yourself that he doesn't know everything. You're living this experience, too. You know what's happening just as much as he does and it's not right.

If you can't see, for the time being, how brave you've been taking all these steps then just take our word for it until you can. Do not doubt that you can and will get through this. All it takes is one step at a time.

 

Please don't be afraid. I was in your position just over a year ago. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it gets better. The thing that you need to remember is that this is a game of power and control and you will ultimately win.

---------- Post added 13th May 2016 at 03:00 PM ----------

This says it better than I could ever say it. The monster you live with is always attempting to re-write reality. You know, and I really mean this, you know that deep down, it's not true. Never lose sight of this fact, no matter what.

Once you get out of this, the fog will lift.

 

Green, you are a strong and admirable woman. Keep seeking out help, don't let him dictate to you who you are or what you are doing, I so wish I could stand right there and help you..as do all here who have posted,WE are with you, don't give up

 

Don't think about it, do it. There is going to be light at the end of the tunnel!

 

I would talk to your councilors. If you explain your situation, i'm sure they would meet you after hours. Please keep us Updated! (*hug*)

 

I know it can't seem this way because you are living the situation, My sister is in a very similar situation, I know that you feel powerless, and your husband does just enough to pull you back into his web every time you feel like leaving. I also know that you must feel powerless, but the truth of the matter is, YOU have the the POWER, the minute that you walk away and say goodbye to his manipulation and abuse, his game is over.

Also if he threatens you, or makes you feel bad for crying in front of people, and denotes it as 'cheating' he knows that he is doing something wrong, it is his guilty conscience, him saying these things is admittance of fault. I just want you to think about the person that you were before all of this started to happen, before you became a victim, was she a victim? You are still that person that has a will of your own, you are not a victim, and you don't want to be someone's victim, you are worth more than being someone's punching bag.

Also if you are feeling confused about what you should do, you are probably leaning towards the right decision, it is much easier to refuse things that we don't want, than what it is to take things that we do want/need. Your gut is telling you to get out, and so is your head, but your heart is holding you there, sometimes it is better to listen to instinct than it is emotion. PLEASE GET OUT, your new life begins as soon as you embrace the world outside that front door. xx