I guess it's happening

I agree with your friend, if it helps her move on to think your being the bad guy, then let her have the emotion.

This sounds like massive progress to the extent you do move June 1st. Stay focused on accomplishing this objective. It might be a difficult few weeks, but you have the rest of your life at stake.

Oh, and as a reward to yourself, after you move break in the apartment with your fwb couple you mentioned in the last post!

 

Keep us apprised. I am very keen to hear how you get on.

 

COS

Congratulations on moving forward. I am usually one that cheers for the survival of marriage. But, the way you have described your relationship with your wife is not one of those. Best luck.

 

Be the "bad guy". Take that burden off of her shoulders. Easy advice to give, really difficult to do I know... I wish I had done this at your age. Sounds like in your particular situation, you'll both be better off.

Good luck!

 

Good work bro. And stay strong. You're doing the right thing

 

Maybe it would help you to feel less guilt if you consider maybe she wants you to break it off. That you're doing her a disservice by staying with her. she probably wants to move on too but doesn't know how.

 

Why don't you take her out of the equation for the moment and think about what you from your life and then man up and do what is necessary to get it? Sometimes you have to close one door before opening another. Decide what you want and then go for it. Don't let guilt sway you into staying in a relationship that you are lukewarm about and then find yourself married a decade or two later regretting your decision that was influenced by guilt. You need to own the decision, and you'll find yourself a stronger person for doing so.

 

Hey COS

You have provided us lots of evidence as to why you should divorce. Can you share why you shouldn't? Why stay?

 

You've already made your decision. Your challenge is to own it and become committed so that you don't flip-flop when you face obstacles. It's hard when your decision hurts someone you love. I felt a lot of guilt coming out to my wife, but I had to make a choice and be selfish in a good way (assertive is a better word). I was called a selfish faggot by my wife because I stood up for myself. I reclaimed the term and let her remarks nourish me because I was standing up for myself and doing right by me for the first time in my life. Yes, that's really scary.

It is about building muscles and taking baby steps (though moving out is more than a baby step). As you take more action you begin to develop muscles and the strength to take on bigger items. You're on the right track.

 

Hey COS

I think a lot of us get married because the institution of marriage offers safety and stability. While it does do these things, when my marriage has been at its best these were minor parts. The marriage should provide a basis, and an environment for growth. If it is not, then it is just a hole to crawl into and let the world go by outside.

Siennafire mentioned using my experience climbing to help deal with coming out to my wife. My marriage used to be like a climb. We would each belay the other and catch them when/if they fell. In the end we reached a summit that neither of us could have reached alone.

Lately, I have crawled into the den of marriage and curled up. It was not working. My bisexuality is just another climb we are going to work on. I am excited about this now.

If there is nothing in your marriage that is providing the platform for you to grow, then it is not really a marriage.

 

How about taking a more pragmatic approach for the time being. Ignore the guilt. You can deal with that a bit later, and you will need to (and there are people on here whom can help you do that). In the meantime, stay focused on the most immediate initiative at hand which you have set for yourself. Moving out.

Not sure you have seen this in my other posts, but as I went through times like this, I imagined myself to be a racehorse at the gate. As that horse, I had blinders on. Those blinders kept me from seeing my opponents on each side or behind me; where those opponents were their to hold me back and beat me in the race. With those blinders, I am only able to look straight ahead, and in front of me is the finish line. The gates open and the race starts, and I sprint as fast as possible to the finish line, with no attention to what is next to me or behind me.

Then once I finished the race, I had a chance to regroup, let my heart rate slow down, and recover from the extremities the race caused.

Try this out for size. Then lets engage once you hit the finish line to begin the real healing.

 

What everyone else here has said!

Except I still object to moving in with your FWBs. That does not seem like a good idea for someone who can't break anything off. Also mixing money and friendship is usually asking for trouble.

Manhattan is full of roomies. Find some ugly but nice women (sorry to be an asshole here but basically people you aren't attracted to) and go date around for a while.

 

COS

After reading Cap's post. I wonder if you are in a similar place with me about sex. That having sex somehow validates yourself? You are trading your marriage for an apartment with a sure thing across the hallway? Just theorizing here. I am trying to get out of this ugly place for me where I asked my wife to validate our marriage with this single metric.

Still, probably, a step in the right direction.

 

Do you use sex as validation or are you codependent and need companionship?