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how to stop the never ending chain of lies?! :-(

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by freeapril, May 11, 2016.

  1. freeapril

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    So....when I first moved to the place I live in now, I made some older women friends who have taken what you might call a sort of maternal interest in my well-being and would love nothing more than to set me up with a nice young man. At the time that I met them, I was still in deep denial, and did nothing to dissuade them. Of course, it was true that I could not find a nice man....but that's because I didn't want a man! I just didn't fully recognize that part of it yet.

    Now, unfortunately, these women (one in particular) keep trying to set me up with men and are always asking about my social life. I have done my best to change the subject when it comes up, but today someone (from work!!) asked me if I wanted to go out with a guy that this one woman picked out for me, and this was coming from like three people removed from this woman, which means she told someone who told someone who told someone who told someone to tell me this guy is interested and ask am I available?

    It took me completely by surprise, so when the person asked "are you dating, and are you available" all I could think of in my mind was "I am a lesbian! I am dating girls!" and my mind just went blank, and so all I could think to say was "I'm flattered, but I'm seeing someone." I guess I should have said that I just wasn't interested, but it seemed rude to say that without any reason for it. And really, it's not this guy's fault! So now I have lied, not only to the guy who is interested, but to all of the other people in the chain who are apparently talking about me (?). The worst part is, they are all conservative (that is how I know them, from politics, although I am not actually conservative), so I really feel extra uncomfortable telling them the truth.

    So now what do I do? Make up a boyfriend? It would be one thing if I were actually seeing someone (a girl), but I am single and have been doing online dating and so far am not in a relationship, so it was really a total and complete lie. How many people am I going to have to lie to here? I am a TERRIBLE liar, too. I have gotten a little better at it since being in the closet, but I'm still awful face-to-face. And this is a lot of lies to keep track of.

    Any advice?

    Also, I felt kind of sad at the time, besides the lying part of it, that I couldn't say yes. I mean this guy seems super nice. Part of me wishes I could be attracted to him and just be straight. Sigh.....But I know in reality I am just lonely. I still felt sad, though. Can anyone relate to that, or am I just crazy?
     
    #1 freeapril, May 11, 2016
    Last edited: May 11, 2016
  2. Really

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    This is hard. I guess the first thing is not to expand on any of the existing "lies", although I think they're more in line with little white lies. You didn't say these things to be malicious.

    If anyone asks you about the guy you're seeing I would just wave it off and change the subject. Going forward, is there anyone you feel comfortable coming out to? Maybe not immediately but someone who, if the topic came up again, you'd feel comfortable saying you date women but thanks for thinking of you?

    If anyone asks why you weren't truthful before, you could confess that you're not used to discussing this with everyone and it's not easy to tell who will and won't take the "news" well.

    As for the first woman, if you don't think you can come out to her, I would just tell her thanks but you're managing your dating life just fine but you appreciate her thinking of you.

    And I certainly wouldn't worry about that guy. If he's as nice as you say, then he doesn't deserves you going on fake dates with him. A little disappointment now is way better than anything that could come later if you did go out with him. For both of you.
     
  3. blightedsight

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    The question really is:
    Can you live a lie or not?

    I know we can all give you advice, and I suspect that most of the advice will be the "don't lie, be honest", but no one here is in your exact situation, knows your friends and knows what impact this will have on your life.
    Sure, we can take a guess based on our own experience, and to be truthful, from the small amount I know of your situation, I would be inclined to say "be honest", but we still don't know enough.

    In the end you need to work out what you want from your relationships with these people.
    Do you want to stay in touch for years?
    If so, then honesty might be the best policy, not least of all because there may come a time when you have no recourse because you're in a relationship that becomes public. It would serve you better in the long run to be honest if you want to maintain relationships with these people.

    However, if these relationships are simply a stop-gap thing until you move on, then there is no real harm in just playing along - even if you did go on a date with a guy to please these people, it wouldn't be a lie to just tell them after that there wasn't any chemisty or attraction.
    Sure it might seem a bit like you're leading people on(though you're not really), but if you don't really want to deal with the fallout of the truth and you don't intend on long term relationships with these people either, then does it matter?

    Whatever you do decide, though, do you have any people in your life that know? They can support you if things do go up shitscreek.
     
  4. yuanzi

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    Your co-worker sounded like my grandma lol. Whenever she tries to set me up or talk me into seeing someone I just put my b*tch face on and tell her he is not my type (not out to grandma so yeah).

    I know you cannot treat your co-workers (or whatever they are to you) the same way I treat a close family member who loves and tolerates me. Also since you have already said you are seeing someone, if you want to keep it up, the easiest way is probably to say you guys are doing long distance. I really cannot see anyone forcing you to fly him over across the country/world just so they can gossip about it.

    From my own experience, I can say that keeping such a lie in the long run is going to cause you a lot of mental and emotional distress. I can't judge anyone though since I am doing something similar to my family.
     
  5. freeapril

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    Thank you so much for replying everyone!

    @Really: Thanks for your advice, as always! I think I will eventually be out to all of these people, and frankly I am not worried about them eventually finding out that I was dishonest...I think people understand about someone being closeted. I just don't want them to find out before I am ready! Fortunately, I don't plan to see/talk to any of these people privately for at least a few months, so by then things may well have changed. I will definitely take your advice about telling that woman I am managing on my own! Thank you--I really needed someone to tell me to say that! And certainly by then I hope to be out to my family, and then hopefully I will feel more comfortable being out to others.

    @blightedsight: Thanks so much for your advice! I am out to close friends, although I don't see them often enough. None of these people are close to me, and I don't really care if we remain long-term friends or not, to be honest. In fact, I wouldn't even say we are friends now--they are more in the line of nosy acquaintances, I guess? :dry: I am only holding back because I know telling any of them would be tantamount to telling everyone. I would expect them to gossip and spread it around (not maliciously, just because that's how they are), and I am not ready to be fully out yet, especially to people I work with.

    @yuanzi: Thanks so much for your reply! I can definitely relate, but fortunately my family has finally given up trying to set me up with men...thank goodness! It only took five years of total disinterest on my part to wear them out :lol: I actually have a (male) friend who everyone always assumes is my boyfriend, and he has very kindly offered to be my beard if I ever need it, so if I ever get into a situation where I feel desperate to lie and really need some proof, I have a back up plan! But I think you are right, living a lie like that does take a big emotional toll, and I am ready to be done with it!!! I have been either fully or mostly in the closet for a couple of years now, and know it is not a healthy or happy way to live!