I cannot help thinking that it is over for me

Just curious... are you seeing a therapist or counselor of some sort?

I had many words of sympathy and understanding for your situation but I have the gut feeling that right now you need more serious and professional help rather than my amateur suggestions and speculations. (hope you are not offended)

I wish I could say 'everything will get better' but personally I truly dislike that sentence unless it is followed by solid advice and I don't have any right now...

I am here if you want to talk.

 

I really suck at giving advice since I only know what it's like to be me (and I'm not quite 'done' yet - then again, who is?) but you're in a safe place here.

Both of my sisters have social anxiety disorders and my step mother and second husband have Asperger's (not saying that you do but it isn't a bad thing at all, just a different way of being.) They all struggle in their own ways and it isn't easy. We're all just 'working it out', as a friend with PTSD once told me. Indeed.

You're a work in progress. It sounds like you have a lot preventing you from getting a clear image of where you want to be. That's totally understandable. But there is no time limit to figuring it all out.

I'm very sorry that you're struggling.

---------- Post added 13th May 2016 at 05:16 PM ----------

Well said. I don't like the 'everything will get better' thing, either (though it could possibly be true) since it disregards the immediate needs of the individual. Right now, it may not feel like it will get better and that can be paralyzing.

 

I symphatize with your struggles, I share some of them - especially the social anxiety one. You wrote that you feel like you don't have the script everyone else is reading from - this is so well put and describes my feelings a lot of the time.

But as to your situation, you have a lot of events in your past that would wear anyone down. Abusive parents, sexual molesting (doesn't really matter if you agreed on it, you were a child and a child cannot agree to something like this), lack of self-confidence, so on. As was suggested above I also feel you could benefit a lot from a therapist; I have found it to be extremely helpful myself to talk to someone who doesn't know you in a social context, doesn't judge you, and truly wants to help you because that is what you pay them for. Maybe, if you don't feel like seeing one face to face, you could look into online options?

One thing you said was that you felt bad when your colleague suggested you might have an Asperger's. This is not a negative thing or something you should feel bad about if it were to be true (and I don't know if it is as I don't have the pleasure of knowing you) - the most brilliant and interesting person I know in the real world is an aspie, and although it makes interaction with him a bit different it doesn't diminish his personality one bit. There are tests you can take if this is something that bothers you.

But honestly, from your message you come across as an interesting and smart person who happens to be in a bit of a rut. You are not old by any standards and if you so choose, with a little help from the outside you can arrive into a really great situation.

Please keep posting!

 

I am sorry to here that you've been through so much trauma...

Life can be very hard and unexpected... I really don't know what to say to you.

I can share with you some of my poetry:

What sad tunes are playing
And the heart is not beating,
Remember the saying,
That every moment is fleeting.

If you feel suicidal, than why don't you just try going out and forming a relationship with a person. Just go out there and start living, you have nothing to lose. What are you afraid of? Just do it!

I hope you shall be better soon! Life oh so very precious, we shouldn't waste it... Not a moment of it.

 

I doubt you mean this to be flippant or dismissive, but if someone is seriously depressed and/or suicidal, they can't just "go out there and start living." If it were that easy, the OP would have done that. You can't "just do it."

I agree with the others and strongly suggest looking up a therapist. You have survived a LOT of trauma, and it is coloring the way you see the world (very understandably). Working through all that won't be fun or easy, but hopefully you will find relief, maybe need medication (I do!). Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.

 

Hey there. Welcome to EC.

I had one thought when I read your first post where you said you had interests outside of the mainstream. Have you checked out meetup.com for groups with the same interests? Those people will automatically have something in common with you so you'll be ahead of the game when it comes to "fitting in".

There could also be LGBT groups near you but any chance to forge new friendships is valuable. If you try one or two of these groups, manage your expectations and just try to have fun, you just never know what might happen.

 

OP, unfortunately friendship (or trying to establish friendship) only works out a small percentage of the time just like dating and you should not blame yourself for things not working out. People also have different expectations. In my own case, I seek deep connections in friendship because I don't have a strong support system, which I suspect is also your case. But many other people my age or older have already established a strong support system (spouse, kids, other family members) and they do not care or put much effort into making new friends.

I am also working on my self-esteem... I grew up in a culture where individualism is not appreciated and being humble is considered the most desired quality. It did not help that my family was even more conservative than most other families in my community so my self-confidence pretty much went down the drainpipe from a very young age lol

I agree with the other posters that you should keep posting here (or whatever venue you choose to). It is highly therapeutic for me at least.

 

I understand it feels bad when someone tries to "explain" you. As in suggests that you are not normal, whatever that may be. But are you positive it was meant in a negative way? Many people strive not to be considered "normal"

What I am trying to say with the above is that sometimes what people mean at how it comes out are two different things. And in any case, people have generally speaking a need to categorize things, and it doesn't necessarily mean anything (unless you let it).

You come across a very articulate and analytical person who has an understanding what are the points that would need working on in your life. This alone puts you ahead of many; stick with it. Look into counselling, post here, don't let yourself stop the process you have already started to be happy with your life.

 

Let me take a different approach...

You are clearly intelligent, thoughtful and strong willed. You need to be to have gone through what you experienced as a child, been able to develop a career that is going well, and have held it all together. A lot of people would have taken a different path result in significantly different results. So, good for you!

While you have quite a bit of baggage, and I can directly relate to much of your history, while you should find time to sort through it whether through therapy, group counseling, or simply reading, may I suggest you evolve your approach at this point?

1. your not an old gay guy. At 40, you still have half you life to live, and you can make a lot out of it
2. You have clear thoughts on what got you to where you are, and that gives you an ability to do something about it
3. Start to do something about it!

Try being proactive, go out and meet people. Do not try and find a relationship, but just simply build a network. Your probably not as socially awkward as you suggest, and I think you will be surprised at the available options to meet others.

Join a social group, a sports league, get involved in a charity. Do thinks that increases your chances of meeting other LGBT folks.

Take these first steps, see how it goes. There is much in life for you to explore, no need to hold yourself back.

 

(((((((( mittelholzer )))))))) (that's a hug, btw)

I'm so glad you've had an upturn in your life's events!

It would be very good for you to have a good excuse to get away from this situation you described in the Sexuality forum.

Your childhood and all sound horrifying...I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. But as others have pointed out (and you've acknowledged), you've been strong enough to get this far. It sounds like you now have a platform from which to start to reach for healing. Healing can be difficult...because it can hurt, and because it is different from the pain to which you've become attached. But it's so worth it.

I wish you strength and continued happiness as you take these next steps!

 

That's amazing! I am so happy for you, Mittelholzer! I wish you the best, I hope that this chance to go to Hong Kong can give you new opportunities and new people to meet. Perhaps this will be a second chance for you, of sorts.

I am really sorry to read about what happened to you as a child... I think it really shows the strength of your character that you were able to endure this. They were all horrible, awful things that nobody should ever have to go through, ever.

I can't say much about Asperger's, but I do suffer from depression so I can relate to some of the things that you say. Please don't misunderstand me - I only mean that I too have felt like that, so I know perfectly well that there is no magic cure. However, what HAS helped me is getting out and doing things, even when it seems near impossible to even get out of bed. Just making yourself go out will distract you and give you something else to focus on, so if you go to Hong Kong then maybe spend time getting to know the people there? Seeing as you'll be meeting them for the first time, they won't be expecting anything of you in particular, so hopefully it will be easier to introduce yourself as you are, and you can make new friends.

You would be better off seeing a professional, I think, but if it helps then I can recount from my own experiences of therapy that I was encouraged to keep a diary of how I spent/how I was planning to spend my week, as well as my emotions during this time. The point of it was not only to make sure that I was getting out and doing things, but also to see what was good for my emotional and mental state. Perhaps you could try something like that?

Again, I am really glad to hear about your job offer. Congratulations to you!