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why am i so jealous?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by whyanne, May 13, 2016.

  1. whyanne

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    Hello,
    I am not sure this is the right place for this but as it might be related to the fact I came out late I am going to post here. I am fifty years old and came out at forty-three and my partner is only the second person I have been with. We have been together for 7 years now and I am hurting out relationship with my jealousy. I cannot let go of the fact I think she is cheating. There are some signs that everyone tells you about ...like hiding what she is doing on the computer and phone....not wanting to touch or kiss me like she use too...and she has not wanted to have sex until I made a thing about it than she is like yes I want too and I know its fake. I have talked to her about it a couple of times and she keeps telling me I am all she wants but people tell others that all the time and leave. I do not want to kill our relationship with my worries but I do not know what to do...I am sad and lonely. I do not have much experience with relationships. The only ones I had were with men when I was much younger and they didn't work out , well because I am a lesbian. I am scared and thought she was the person I would grow old with now I am lost.
     
  2. PlaidGlove

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    Hey whyanne,

    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

    Let's examine jealousy for a moment: What is jealousy? It's fear, right? Fear of losing something valuable to you: Someone's attention, love, interest, friendship, intimacy, connection, whatever…

    And it seems to me that you're experiencing a situation where you feel like you're at risk of losing your girlfriend to someone else.

    The first thing I want to say to you is this: It's OK. It's OK to feel jealous. It's a natural emotion and reaction, and while many people frown upon it, it is really an expression of feeling vulnerable. When we're afraid, we need reassurance, right? That's a very human need. We can't make a relationship feel safe and secure if only one party contributes to making it safe and secure. It needs to be a two-way effort.

    If you feel alone and lonely in the relationship and fear losing her, an instinctive reaction could be to try to control what's going on in the relationship. I know, because I can struggle with this myself at times. Trying to control someone's behavior is not a loving thing to do—it is fear-based, not love-based—even if the fear is of losing someone's love because you love them. We can't control other people. We can only control ourselves. Learning to let go of control in those situations can be really tough, but it really amounts to saying "I'll be OK no matter what happens." Easier said than done when anxiety sets in, right? Trying to gain or maintain control will only make the gap wider between you. What you will need to work on with yourself is handling anxiety and strengthening your self-worth and self-respect.

    But we can try to contribute to the relationship in ways that are productive in restoring the healthy balance that makes her feel safe with you and you feel safe with her. If she is violating some boundaries that are important to you, then you need to let her know and communicate that so that she can respond. It is important that you don't communicate in an accusatory manner, though. Tell her how her protectiveness of her computer and phone makes you feel anxious because you fear the worst. Tell her how that connects to your feeling less valued in the relationship lately. Ask her if she feels valued in the relationship and what could be done to improve the situation if she doesn't.

    The main problem here seems to be this: You've entered a new phase in your relationship which currently does not work in a way that lets you feel important, valued, seen, sexy, loved, understood etc. Your needs are not currently being met. Are her needs being met in this new phase? How can you work out your own needs and work on helping each other meet them? Are you willing to put in the effort and energy it takes to do that? Maybe she feels like the same needs are not being met either.

    I would suggest asking her to have a one-on-one conversation where you ask her whether she feels her needs are being met first—it's always best to start with the other person. Then you can follow up with your own needs. Knowing that you're thinking of her needs will help her willingness to focus on your needs too. Try not to be defensive or push buttons that will make her feel the need to be defensive. Try to be diplomatic and understanding. Make her feel wanted like you used to. Let her know that her needs and feelings are important to you.

    You could do it over a nice dinner with candlelight and wine. You could also suggest setting a limited time for communication every week or every two weeks, where each of you brings up the issues that you feel need to be addressed.

    If she is unwilling to listen to you though, or if she gets defensive and unwilling to communicate despite several attempts to do so, you may need to reconsider the relationship. Your needs are just as important as hers are, as is your time and energy.
     
  3. Highlander2

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    PlaidGlove, good advice for anyone I'd say, and I wish I'd read this advice at the start of the year when I was going through similar anxiety with my ex bf. It would've allowed me to handle things in a different way - albeit the result might've been the same - it would've allowed me the opportunity to maintain my own self-esteem and confidence and feel like I was the one taking control of the relationship and its future, rather than waiting for something to happen.