Love v. Lust

Love versus Lust.

It's an interesting concept to me lately, well, today. The other day, my trigger crush popped up ever so slightly into my world. My Facebook world, to be exact. I won't post exactly what happened because who the heck knows if she doesn't come on here, but her presence was a little intrusive. She posted something on my wall through some third party means, a wall she'd made herself a non-member of, for whatever reason (it's only confusing to me because she kept me on everything else). And even though I was slightly bothered, a part of me welcomed it. A part of me wished she'd have tried to talk to me and sent a friend request, or some private message asking how I was, trying to be friendly again -- which I, of course, would have waited days to answer. Besides the fact that my trigger crush would never have the wherewithal to do something so adult, and my being extraordinarily irrational, I can't help but continue to notice how easygoing I am with her -- or maybe I'm just an easygoing person? I'm not sure. I tell myself that I was in love with her, so I need to understand that and be able to look the other way since she's the complete opposite of good for me. But then it got me wondering...was I really in love with this person? And if so, what does that mean about love?

This brings me to my argument, mostly with myself: were you in love, or were you in lust? I place this post here because, though all LGBTQs are unique, I think us later in lifers are slightly more so. I think we go through this strange situation where we're awoken to a new type of desire, or desire period, that's much more shocking than realizing we're gay from a young age. It's like a switch goes off. We were living a life we knew well, and then this new reality hits us like a train and we question our entire world. When this happens because we met someone who made us question, it is, in the truest sense of the word, a trigger crush. What is it that makes a trigger crush a trigger crush? What is it that they trigger that wasn't there before? Love...or lust?

I picture myself walking through life like a zombie prior to meeting mine. I question what I was doing, who I was looking at, and why I was looking at them. She excited me more than anything, she was the most beautiful human I'd ever seen, and I know it's almost cinematically dramatic to phrase it like this, but everything turned more colorful. The snozeberries tasted like snozeberries **licks wallpaper**. Alright, that was off track, but I'm sure some people here get what I'm saying (if you don't, don't tell me because I'll feel weird) -- everything was and is completely different, and I want to know...is it because I fell in love with someone for the first time, or is because I experienced true lust and desire for the first time?

Love... is a strong word. Could I have loved someone who didn't love me back, and treated me pretty crappily? Could I have loved someone who didn't know that I loved them, because we never spoke about the way we were behaving, but just continued to behave in a romantic fashion? I have been in relationships, albeit with only men, for long periods of time. I was in a relationship with a man for over three years, but I didn't even feel a shred for him what I felt for her. In fact, I shake my head constantly thinking about my relationship with him because it seems fifty shades of dull compared to the feelings I had for her. I wasn't happy on all levels with him, but something made me stay for three plus years -- was that love? Could it have been love without desire? He was my best friend. A best friend I got to have sex with, which is always a plus - but does what we had equate to love? I can say that, emotionally, we were extremely intimate because we were in a relationship, highly communicative, romantic with each other, and knew that is what we were choosing to do together. I didn't have that with her. It's like we were being romantic, without having any emotional intimacy, and there was no acknowledged choosing, just doing. When I'd hold my (ex)boyfriend's hand, I felt safe. When I held her hand, I felt everything. I also felt like a moronic middle schooler, but I think that just comes with the territory of this new exploration. And now that I think of it all, I feel a little stupid - but at the time, it didn't feel stupid at all. It felt like the best thing ever, and it was just a hand hold. Something I've done a million times with many people throughout my life, in many different stages of life. I've done way more than hold hands, I've done everything, ran every base, hit home plate - many times - but holding some asshole's hand made everything else fall away, or just sitting on a couch and talking. Forget how I felt during the times I thought we were close to kissing, I probably would have exploded, literally. It doesn't make sense to me. I want to know why. I want to know: was this love, or lust?

I know there's some saying out there somewhere about how you can be in love with someone who's in your life for a short time, and not in love with someone who's been there longer, obviously it would sound a lot more eloquent. I guess my fear is that I don't want to mistake the two. I know it's easy to, or at least I've heard it is easy to. People talk about confusing the two all the time - and I imagine it's partially why the divorce rate is so high - but I worry that maybe I don't know the difference between them. I feel like I know what sexual desire feels like. It's fleeting, and something that can easily be taken care of. That's not how love is. Love sticks around for far too long, and can potentially crush you. I felt crushed when I had to let her go. Crushed when she told me she didn't have feelings for me. And a little crushed when she showed presence in my world, uninvited. Is that love? Having to completely shut her out because she didn't want me, and that hurts too much, even now (but thankfully a lot less) - or is that being butt hurt for not getting what I desired, and perhaps still desiring?

Why can't I tell the difference?

 

Two things from your post stuck out to me. The part I quoted here, and when you say "every time you've fallen in love." I think the reason I'm having a hard time with this, and may until I fall for someone again, is because I never felt the way I did about her for anyone, and I'm not a stranger to relationships - even crushes. I've had many crushes, but nothing was as intense as with her. I actually had known her for a little while because we occupied the same space in our college for a time, and I'd never really noticed her until we started speaking, and then I was instantly...something. Something was off and changed. I knew she wasn't straight, and I was happy about it, and as we spent more time together, it was like a magnet. I just wanted to be right next to her all the time.

Yeah, I totally felt that, and I've heard of that as well. The addiction thing. I was addicted, because I knew she was no good but kept wanting more!

All of your thoughts on how you feel when you're in love sum up how I felt. And we weren't in a relationship, but sometimes I felt like we were dating. We spoke non-stop, texting all throughout the day, or just talking about whatever and sharing things we knew each other liked. Almost like best friends, on speed, and with flirting. And when we were in the same space together or hanging out, it was flirty and romantic the entire time. Like she'd always try to pay for things for me, flirt pretty hard, hold doors open...once I forgot something and she ran back to get it even though I said I was going to. She insisted. And then she did something very relationship-y that I won't say incase she comes on here, lol. These things can maybe be seen as friendly, but they were really chivalrous, and with the flirting on top of it -- I was in lala happy land. Except there was a constant wall that was never going down, because I wanted to make out with this chick and she never initiated that, so I was always leaving her shaking - hahaha. Super nice (check). Romantic (check). Super flirty (check). Making out (no dice - also torture).

Yeah, see, I feel like I've always been really good at separating emotions and sex. I thought there was something wrong with me, maybe because I'd lost my virginity to a guy I wasn't that into -- and maybe there is something off with me and sex. I don't know. With guys, I've always been kind of detached when it comes to intimacy. I wouldn't say the typical thing that lesbians say where they feel like they're "just participating," but I'm not sure I was ever totally engrossed in the situation. I was alway very me focused, and kind of done when it was over. Like I wasn't ever really into how they felt and if they felt good. I can also say that I've had sex with a girl and it was the same. However, I wasn't really attracted to her, she was my best friend at the time and we were just doing it to do it - not because we were pulled toward each other. I actually think she may have been in love with me (realized once I fell for my trigger), she always initiated doing things. Anyway, with my trigger, I wanted to be with her. And not just for me. I mean, I've written a lot about that on these forums, lol. But that was an entirely new experience for me. And who's to say that I'm not still like that, I haven't done it in quite some time, but I feel like if I felt the way about her with someone who felt the same about me -- it would be way more intense than it's ever been. Almost in a way that I can't fathom.