Struggling with anger

Hello everyone,

So this is my first post. I've never posted to an online forum before, so this feels a little awkward. Please be kind.

I -finally- started coming out of the closet a few months after my 40th birthday (almost 2 years ago). Turning 40 was a severe shock to the system - I was unhappy with my job, my living circumstances, my family. I have some good friends, but they are scattered all over the country, and I don't see them much. I used that birthday to do some soul searching about how I ended up where I am. And somehow, in the process, the dam that had blocked my sexual orientation finally broke.

I've known I was attracted to other men since high school. To be honest, it probably started around 5th or 6th grade, but I didn't know what to call it then. In middle school and high school, I acknowledged to myself that couldn't stop staring at "that guy" on the shampoo commercial on TV, and that I got nervous around muscular "Steve" who was on the wrestling team. But I chalked it up to being a kink...maybe I just wanted to be like them. After all, I was just like everyone else. I was straight. Other straight guys must have these thoughts. Gay people in the 80s in Minnesota in high school were portrayed as being statistical anomalies, as if the odds of running into a gay person was unlikely to happen in my lifetime. So I never dated in high school. I became bookish. I noticed everyone else dating and going out, and a small part of me remembers wondering what all the hubbub was about.

So I go to college. I remain bookish, but I develop friends that really challenge my worldview. I slowly become more of an extrovert over time. But I still don't date. There is sex everywhere - my neighbors in the dorm, a couple going at it in the middle of the quad, etc, but it still doesn't penetrate my thick skull that I should be sexually exploring too. Then something happens towards the end of my senior year. I ask myself why I've never dated. What was wrong with me that I'd never had a relationship with anyone. And that's when I realized that I might be gay. I grew up in a loving but fairly religious home; this couldn't be happening to me.

But then a few months later I knew. I was gay. It was terrible. I became acutely depressed and suicidal and remained that way for the next 3 to 4 years. I was in graduate school at this point. I slept excessively. Cried uncontrollably at times. I tried to get help, but the waiting lines for psychological help in my city was so long, that I would give up. Finally I made a kind of peace with myself. I was gay. I wouldn't date women (that would be wrong), but I wouldn't acknowledge my homosexuality either. I would never have a partner/spouse. I would never have a family. I would never have children.

The next several years (decades?) passed, it seems, very quickly. I learned that fully suppressing your own sexuality is really hard (impossible?), and I made mistakes. I was persistently lonely. I somehow convinced myself that the lies I was telling people were true, that I was straight but hadn't found "the one"...

Then I turned 40. A work friend asked me if I was gay over beers a night in October almost two years ago...and I said yes. I was absolutely terrified and my mind kind of exploded. Following this, I traveled to visit my closest friends to tell them in person. There was this kind of euphoria at being out. Maybe I didn't have to live the rest of my life alone. I could finally act openly on my attractions without feeling bad about myself. The idea of dating was exhilarating.

They say that coming out is a process...and boy were they right. I've been navigating the old worn out biases that I was taught as a kid. I gained enough courage to tell a few co-workers...and realized after two bad reactions that coming out at work was probably unwise. I still haven't told my family -- their reaction is going to be predictably bad. I will tell them soon, but I don't need the hassle right now. And then I started dipping my toe into dating and being part of the "community" thing. Still haven't been on a date yet (or even for coffee). I'm learning that when you are in your 40s, it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, dating is tough. I'm also learning that just making friends who are gay in your 40s is also very hard...I thought the LGBT community would be more welcoming, but it seems that is mostly true for younger men and women.

So...this has been a long post, but I'm getting to my question.

Over the past many months I've developed a great deal of anger at coming out so late. I'm angry about the missed opportunities in my 20s and 30s. About the missed relationships. About being miserable and lonely for so long.

To clarify, I'm not an angry type person. I've never really experienced much anger in my life until now. But the anger I have now is getting hard to deal with. I'm angry at my parents for being anti-gay when I was growing up. I'm angry with my religion. I'm angry with my good friends for not sitting me down when I was younger and asking me why I didn't have any resemblance of a social life. I'm angry with myself for being naive for so long. I'm angry with myself for living most of my life in fear.

Social media - particularly YouTube and Instagram - were initially very helpful in the coming out process. There were stories about coming out that were very similar to mine...but they were being told by guys in their early 20s. I've also learned that many guys today who are out in their 20s and 30s are living these great lives. I'm so proud that they have these opportunities now. But it accentuates my anger at all the opportunities I've missed out on.

The rational part of my brain tells me to suck it up. You can't turn back time. Enjoy the time you have left. At least you didn't come out when you were 80. Dating and friends will come with time - you just have to treat it like a job and really work at it.

But the emotional, irrational, part of my mind is so so angry. So angry. And disappointed. The rational part of my brain has not been my ally over the years - it is what kept me in the closet for so long in the first place. I want to come to terms with my anger, not try to squash it.

I'm wondering if any of you who came out "late" have experienced thoughts and feelings like this. It all makes me so sad to think about this. How did you deal with it? Did you eventually get over it? Or is it like the death of a family member, where you deal with the pain every day, but learn to live regardless?

Thank you so much for reading. I'm sorry the post got so long.

Cheers,

RhinoRojo