I have been struggling with a marriage that ended partly but not entirely due to my orientation. I didn't enter the marriage knowing I am gay; I did acknowledge I had an attraction to women - or rather I never ruled it out but I also never really felt need to act on it, never met a woman I would have thought in a romantic way. It was just somehow given I go with men. But then I fell hard for a woman and it changed things for me in a very fundamental way to the point that I can now say I am quite gay and have no interest in being with men. And I am OK with it, you could say I cherish it. It just feels right even though I doubt if I can ever be able to live my life accordingly. I have been romantically and sexually involved with one woman, I wasn't able to pursue that relationship but it put any doubt I might have had before to rest. I am out to most of my friends and my sister. So I accept my sexuality and consider it to be a part of what makes me me. However, my ex-husband is in a lot of pain due to our divorce to the point that it has destroyed his life. I feel tremendous guilt and responsibility over this, and there is not a day that I don't ask myself why are my desires so unique that it gives me somehow the right to walk over someone who has dedicated themselves to me. Who I loved and I suppose love as well but who I feel cannot meet my needs like I cannot meet his. He has hurt me a lot as well but I feel I deserve this; it is after all me who decided to swing the other way. I say decide because although I don't think I chose to be gay, I chose it to be more important than our life together. Does it make me selfish to do this? Why is it so important for me what is the gender of the person I am with? Could I learn to be straight or even bisexual, as in if I have had sex with men before, why this new recognition has the right to stop it? He asks me what difference does it make since I am a strong supporter of equality between sexes as well as trans rights? That if gender is social construct, why does it matter to me so much that I can't be with him? That how can I desert him just because he has a penis? And the thing is that I am not able to explain it. I don't know why, and being unable to answer this makes me feel like I am really selfish and just catering for my own desires. And it makes me wonder if I have the right to do this to him.
What you feel is what you feel, you shouldn't have to explain it, or feel bad or guilty about it. Does it cause him pain? Yes, probably a lot. Is it your responsibility? No, not at all. Ultimately, every individual is responsible for his/her own destiny and happiness. You are just presenting him with the facts, the truth, you are not doing anything to him. If he then decides to destroy his life because of it, its his choice, its his responsibility, not yours. He needs to get over it and move on with life. He is not your child, he is an adult, therefore he is fully responsible for himself. Yes, I know, easier said than done, but that's just my opinion.
Can you learn to breathe underwater? Once the awakening has occurred, there is rarely any going back. When we were in utero, we could breathe - of a sort - in the amniotic fluid, but that time has long past. We have been birthed, awakened to the real world and with it the reality of interpersonal relationships. I hate that your ex is going through such a tough time. Mine is too - although she's not my ex yet. Feelings vacillating between anger, grief, and betrayal. Honey, I get it. I wish I could give you a hug. But here is the takeaway that I use to calm my brain, and the near-constant feelings of guilt and self-doubt: what if I went back? What would change? Would I be forced to live a lie and be miserable? (Yes) How would that be healthy to our relationship? (it wouldn't) So, in reality, by going back, I'd be sacrificing years, my integrity and gaining nothing. My children would have role models for parents who either bully or subjegate themselves - neither is healthy. So, here's am. Sucking up the pain for the short term, with the hope that in the long term, my kids can see that in a not-so-small-part, I did this for them. To lead by example when shit gets rough. Plant your flag and don't be afraid who sees it. Confidence wins 80% of the battles. You can quote me on those.
I think you're brave, Gillian. What right do you have? You have the right to be happy and live your best and most authentic life, so please do not hold yourself back from doing that. You did not destroy your husband's life. I can't imagine what it's like for someone you love and decided to spend your life with to one day say that they don't want to spend their life with you anymore. I imagine it's a type of pain that I've never felt, and wouldn't want to. But that's not something that destroys a life. Bad health, or maybe death, is what destroys a life. Your husband is hurting, but he will go on - if he doesn't, that was his choice to stay stuck. Your coming out may have caused the initial pain, but it is not your responsibility to fix the rest of his life because of it. Sh*t happens. And I'm not trying to downsize his feelings and pain, and even yours, but in the scheme of life - that's something that can be lived through. It's hard to answer why gender matters. I guess it's hard to answer because attraction and love and sex are still a huge mystery. Why are we drawn to some people more than others? Why can't we just be with someone random? It's not a choice to love someone, it just happens. There's a lot of science behind it too. Maybe your chemicals don't mesh well with his anymore - it's not an easy answer. To question genitalia is to limit the experience of attraction and love down to sex. I understand he was saying that if you loved him once, why can't you continue to just because he has a penis, but that's not why you can't be with him anymore. It goes much, much deeper. Perhaps you fell out of love with him. Not only that you realized you were into women, but that you just weren't a good match anymore. It happens. There's nothing like having the whole package: sexual attraction plus emotional attraction. The same thing happened for me, minus being in a relationship. When I met a girl that I fell for, everything clicked, in ways it never had before. Now I don't want anything else. I know what I feel like when I'm fulfilled in that area of my life. Live your best life.
Thank you all for your input. The few friends I have shared some of this with tend to agree with you - that it is not my responsibility and I cannot sacrifice myself or force myself to be something I don't associate with any more for his sake. It doesn't still stop the feelings of guilt and shame; it is horrible to hurt someone so much. I guess I just have to hold my ground and try to keep the hope that one day it will be better. In the meantime my life is on hold because I cannot move on until he let's go of me.
You're describing what I'm so afraid of happening to my partner once we are officially broken up. Heck this whole weekend, which we spent together and was nice, had this underlying tone of sadness to it as we are pretty much broken up. I'm sad about it, but it makes me even sadder seeing her hurting. I keep reminding myself that I was in her shoes once, getting my heart broken by somebody I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. I thought my life was over. But then, it wasn't. I survived. I got over the hurt and even the feelings for the person (which I truly thought would never happen). So will she. It just takes time.
Gillian, I hate to put it to you this way, but in your sympathy for your (ex-)partner, I think you're underestimating him. If you've been the center of his universe, he will need to learn to make himself that center. All things end. Everything is temporary, the question is just one of how things end and how we deal with those endings. Yes, he may feel and even be broken now. Brokenhearted, brokenspirited, broken-whatever. Maybe he will need therapy. That's OK. But you never were and never will be under the obligation to live a lie in order to feel like you were saving him from that. In fact, I would say that you have absolutely no right to do so. What life is a life based on a lie? What love is a love based on a lie? I am not among those who believe that there is an afterlife or reincarnation. We only have this one life. Those of us who live in the freedom purchased and fought for by our ideological forebears can choose to seize the freedom they paid for and others keep paying for every day in countries around the world—and live our truth and live authentically—or we can slither away into our wormholes where we will laugh, but not all of our laughter, and cry, but not all of our tears (to paraphrase Kahlil Gibran). We can disregard the gift we have been given that others have paid for and fought for and keep doing so every day, and we can keep sacrificing our lives on the altars of guilt, shame, and heteronormativity. Or we can seize the freedom we have been given, live our lives truthfully and full of love as a response to and in honor of all those who could not and cannot, and say to the world: You do not own me. I will not serve. I am me and the integrity of who I am is worth more than all the guilt and shame you can possibly pile upon me. I am proud of you for facing the pain and guilt that you are. I am proud of you for seizing the freedom that others have fought for and paid for. I am proud of you for living your truth.
It's simple: you have a right to be happy. Yes, that came at your husband's expense, and that's just really fucking unfortunate, and I mean that sincerely, not being a bitch. It's sad that this is what society thinks divorce has to be, that it HAS to be a sad thing. Your ex has the right to be happy too, ofc, but you can't hang yourself up on that forever, it's not fair to your new life, and honestly not fair to him either.
