Soooooooooo sexually frustrated

34 year old female here, married to a man for over a decade. Never been with a woman. Attracted to three women in my life.

I finally id'd as bisexual, last week. The only person who knows is my husband and as of tomorrow, my therapist.

Part of the reason I admitted to being bi, is that I thought the sexual urge/longing/desire would go away, but it hasn't! It's gotten worse, if that's possible.

Last year, I was in love with a woman and was the last to see it. She was my dentist. When she came out to greet me, she stared at my breasts. Back in her chair, she rubbed her tartar scraper really low on my breast, near the nipple. She did this multiple times. I felt like I was getting molested, but yet, it didn't feel bad. We became friends and during our first dinner together, she stared at my breasts the entire time and then said, "You beat me!"
I replied, "Huh?"
"You beat me...you beat me up top," she said and pointed to her breasts. Our friendship was hot and cold, push and pull, and so damn confusing. It's since ended. I wanted her so bad. I wanted to make slow love to her. I never describe sexual intercourse with a man, like that. With a man it's screwing or banging. With her, I wanted to make love.

I don't think I've ever truly made love to any man in my life.

The issues are that even admitting I'm bi, is confusing. I'm not attracted to women the same way I am to a man. I can see a man and want him, but not emotionally invest myself. I can't see a woman and want her. I need to get to know her, but once there's that emotional connection or spark of something else, then there is that very deep, intense emotional and physical connection. They're very different. And as far as my desire for a woman, I only have this one woman- who wasn't very good to me- as a sexual desire and attraction.

It would be much easier to be attracted to women in general, as that would make more sense to me...but that isn't the case.

On top of that, my husband is not down for this at all. When we fight, he throws it in my face (or as my therapist says, "shames" or "guilts" me) and is very insecure about it. He was insecure before this. I've since asked for more sex, which he doesn't oblige to. He doesn't want to give me more sex because I might leave him anyways, he says. The lack of sex will push me even further away! But it's just an excuse. He has ED problems, intimacy issues, and is very lazy.

I find myself masturbating to girl-on-girl quite frequently. It takes me a while to choose a video because I like it soft, tender, and passionate. I don't like it when the girls are laughing or screaming and being way too rough.

I want the feeling of a woman on me. To feel her lips and body pressed against mine...
the urge is sometimes very overwhelming.

The most my husband will "allow" is for me to watch girl-on-girl porn, once a month. He stimulates me as I watch, but he doesn't say a word. It's robotic. He says, "I can't be there with you while you watch that, so I emotionally check out." I feel, kind of disgusting for going along with it, because he's just there.

I'm all over the place here!!! Ugh!!!! I'm so pissed at my husband, who wants me confined to this small box of HIS expectations and confused, as well.
I want to have sex with a woman to ensure it's something I like, but my husband won't allow it. Yet, I want my first-time to be special, with someone important, but I've only been attracted to three women in my life...so this isn't something that happens to me all too much. I need to be attracted to the person, above all else, when it comes to a woman.

Finally, I have fears because when it comes to those three women, it's been them who have left me the most heartbroken. I mean, like devastated. Once I have those feelings or feel that spark for a woman, I freak out because I associate that with heartache.

I don't know what to do. Do I stay in my marriage? Do I cheat on my husband- I mean, he's not addressing my sexual needs whatsoever-? Do I just find a semi-attractive woman or wait for "the one"? If I wait for "the one", it's going to be intense and I fall for them deeply and there is NO WAY I can conceal that from anyone.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Fuck me!! This ain't easy!!

 

Wow, not only is my marriage falling apart, but the woman who broke my heart just text messaged me.

I have her blocked on facebook (for the past 6 months) and she just texted me out of the blue, but it wasn't to me, it was to someone else. Ugh. My heart is breaking all over again. She's played games before. I wonder if she's doing it again...so not what I needed this morning.

 

Thank you!! I appreciate it so much. This is so hard.

With this ex-friend who I wanted to be with sexually and romantically, it was push and pull, hot and cold. Could never tell where I stood with her. Whatever I wanted, she wanted the opposite. The friendship was completely on her terms and she was 100% in control.

It's been 8 months since I've last spoken to her, nearly 6 months since I've last contacted and blocked her on facebook...and now, THIS. It was a text to what sounded like a business, asking about a cosmetic treatment. I'm so confused. Is she playing games again, like she has before? Our friendship was short-lived because of how intense I wanted it, yet you still have my number stored in your phone.

I've wanted nothing but to hear from her all of these past months, knowing that she had to remained blocked on FB because she wasn't good for me. Everyone has said that, including the two therapists I've visited. All I've heard is, "She wasn't good to you and isn't good for you." I prayed to God she'd respond to me when she was unblocked, but she never would. After all this time, you text me and it's this?! WTH!!!! I'm so lost and confused. I don't know what to think, but either way, she hasn't changed. At the very least, I mean nothing to her and it was just an accident and at the most, she hasn't changed at all.

This woman changed my life and brought out feelings in me that I haven't had, to that level.

I guess it's safe to say, I'm heartbroken this morning.

 

Masturbating to porn doesn't do much for me either. I want to be with a woman very much, but actually being with one in a serious relationship doesn't sound like something I could do.

I wonder, am I being selfish? Wanting my cake and eating it too?

Is your husband okay with you being with a woman "on the side"?

 

Out,

I've asked my husband about this and he said, "No go. Do not collect $200" LOL. Ain't happening

---------- Post added 17th May 2016 at 12:08 AM ----------

YeahpIdk,

Thank you!! I feel like she's playing games and it's so hurtful to me. I'm glad someone else shared the way in which I feel towards men and women. It's soooo comforting to hear that.

---------- Post added 17th May 2016 at 12:10 AM ----------

Thrashgal,

My heart goes out to you. I know, all too well, of the confusing heartbreak of a crush. I'm heartbroken as well. The heart wants what the heart wants, right? Ugh, it is so painful.

---------- Post added 17th May 2016 at 12:11 AM ----------

Plaid,

I'm sorry to hear that!! Some people need their ego stroked. I'll never stick around for crumbs again. Way too painful.

 

Difficult night tonight.

The one woman I was in love with, who I still want, is now blocked on my phone because I'm too afraid of her playing games with me. If she didn't text me again, it would hurt; if she did text me again (pretending her text to me was an accident), it would hurt.

I want her. I want her so bad that I can taste her.

During the most difficult nights of longing for her, I'd have to toss and turn until the pangs of desire fled from my body. It was bad. I would have done anything to have her. Oh, how confused I was when it came to this woman. This woman I had it bad for, and still have feelings for. All I've wanted for the past 8 months was any contact from her. Something. And this is what I get. Confusion and chaos. My mind a complete mess.

Truth be told, I miss her. I miss her every single day. I wish I'd meet another woman so I could finally move on from this woman who tugs at my heart strings. My husband just doesn't compare. For the past 16 months, my heart has belonged to one single person. Her.
The numerous times I put my pride on the line for her. Wore my heart on my sleeve. Then she pulls whatever that was. She broke my heart again this morning, only this time I'm picking up the pieces quicker.

Somewhere in those 8 months of wanting to hear from her, I pondered the thought of emailing her a letter, confessing my feelings and love. My "more-than-just-a-friend" feelings. My sexual feelings. Now, I'm so glad I didn't do that. She might have just used that against me, ensuring nothing but future heartache.

I know I want the touch of a woman. I want a slow, tender love making experience. I don't want anything I've experienced with a man. I want that erotic, sweaty experience that in conjunction with deep emotional feelings, would culminate- in what I could only hope to be- a full body orgasm.

Yet, here I am...stuck in this- limbo. Not here and definitely, not there. In a hell I could never imagine for myself. The want, the desire, the urge...some days I can barely contain it. My husband has no idea and could never understand how I try and fight it.

I'm losing a battle that I didn't sign up to fight.