New and lost...

Per my limited reading in this area (I am a guy) women are more sexually oriented generalized. - few. Lets call this fluid. More open to a wide range of different experiences. In this case men and women. And women can be / are very happy that way. Guys are pretty much one way or the other, gay and will not stray from being gay.


It's not to say that "experimentation" does not occur, thats how we humans learn. But now the crux. Our Western Society, mainly based on Christian judge and condemn has ingrained in us, right and wrong and pushing a square peg through a round hole and you must absolute be this way or else!

My advice, embrace who you are. Seek a relationship based on who you want to be with, based on love and understanding, not upon what society dictates to you.

I suggest the web sight, www.psychologytoday.com to seek answers.

Later

---------- Post added 17th May 2016 at 07:06 AM ----------

Oh and I forgot to say, welcome to ECs.

 

Sunny, glad you are here. This is a good place to be. There's something about losing the woman you love that feels like you lost at least one major limb and half your skin. I'm slow to say what you should do, since I don't really know your situation. I know for me, I would need to take a little time and space to heal so that not everything about my soul would feel so raw and bleeding. There's no rush. You don't have to hurry to another relationship if you don't really want to, and you don't have to rush for an orientation label either.. You're going to be ok. It will not always feel this bad. You're going to be alright.

 

I know what it feels like to fall for someone. And I know I'm only 14, but I'll try my best to help. I wouldn't suggest running right back into the dating scene until you feel comfortable. I just want to ask you a few questions, they might be personal, so you don't have to answer them, but it might help you find out what you are in terms of sexuality.

1) Did you enjoy your sexual experiences with your soon to be ex-husband?
2) How would you feel about sexual experiences with another woman?
3) Have you ever had a crush on any other woman before?

 

Ohhhh I feel for you. I'm no longer in touch with the woman I fell in love with and we were never intimate.

May I ask as to the background of your story? It's certainly cathartic to share and for someone like me, stuck in limbo as you, to hear.

 

No, not at all. Your journey and story are one of a kind and although painful, on some level, it is deeply beautiful.

The woman I fell in love with (last year) text messages me yesterday, but it wasn't to me. It was to a business, asking for a quote. I wonder if she intentionally sent it to me, I mean, we haven't spoken in 8 months.

Today, I messaged her back that she had the wrong person and who I was. She wrote back SORRY and I replied NO WORRIES. That's the most communication we have had in 8 months.

Oh, how my heart aches and I wanted to ask her how she was, but couldn't. I miss her so. I understand your heartache. It is deep and intense.

 

Sunny, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to what I'm going through. I'm so confused. I find myself going back into my phone and reviewing what she text messaged me yesterday and our responses, today. I keep hoping to see another text from her.

I do still love her and feel as you do for the object of your affection: I think I will always love her. She is straight and married, with a child. She knows I had a crush on her and found her attractive, but I denied that it was romantic/sexual. I'm not sure if she knew that I felt much more for her, but it was obvious to everyone in my life.

I was just at the point of beginning to move on and think about pursuing a woman who may take it to a sexual level with me, when she text messaged. Now, I'm all over the place as far as feelings. I'm not the kind of person who can see any woman and think, "Wow, I'd like to bang her." Not at all. I need to know the woman first and if there is an emotional connection and that extra spark, then I'm a goner. I'm head over heels and its much deeper than I could ever feel for a man.

My "friendship" with her seemed more like a relationship without the physical intimacy. It was intense, push-and-pull, hot-and-cold and we each tried to control the other. I was always overwhelmed by the feelings and tried to run from it, multiple times. In the end, when I'm finally willing to "stay" in the friendship, we have a small tiff and she runs. She never speaks to me after I cancel a hang-out on her. Months later, I apologized for the things that I believed I did wrong, but she ignores me. She never says a word. I know she's reading my e-mails and she even goes on my husband's facebook page, because she accidentally sent him a friend request...but no matter what I say or how much I apologize, she says nothing to me.

After nearly two months of her just leaving me there, in the beginning of January of this year, I can no longer take the rejection and I walk away and block her on Facebook. I needed to extinguish the hope I still had in order to move on. Moving on is something I was still in the process of doing when she text messaged me and even had started therapy over it. It was confusing and I was heartbroken.

I'm unsure as to why she still has my contact info in her phone. I had long since deleted her number back when I blocked her on Facebook (January 2016).

Monday morning, I'm texting someone else when I get a text from an out of area number. It says, "Hi, this is Jane from Dr. Smith's office. I'm interested in a cosmetic treatment you guys may offer and would like to know if you could tell me more about it. Hope you're doing great!"

And at the end of her text was a kissy face emoji.

At first, I thought it was from another friend and so I just continued with the text I was writing, when it dawned on me who it might be. I exited the text I was writing and saw the number it was from. My heart caught in my throat. My hands trembled. I wondered if this was really happening. I scrambled to find my therapist's phone number, but she didn't answer.

It took much courage for me to text her that she had the wrong person. My mind and heart know she probably intentionally sent it to me to look like an accident, but obviously, I'm not 100% sure. I wanted to ask her how she was, but I was too afraid of being rejected again.

After 8 months of silence, she's finally replied to something I've said. One word. Sorry. Did she want to hear from me? Is this just a game? My mind runs away from me at this point. I want to say, "How are you doing?" but my fingers won't let me type it out.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. Hearing from her has resulted in the feelings coming back to me. I love her very much. I want for nothing but her happiness, even though that hasn't been and probably won't include me in the future.

And you Sunny? Do you still speak to the woman you love? How have you been handled being apart from her?

 

I know how you feel. It sucks. I miss someone too. I thought she felt the same way about me somewhere deep inside, but she didn't. I thought the connection we had meant something to her, but it seems I was wrong. I gave away my heart and it got broken.

That's OK. I forgive myself for knowing better and going ahead anyway, because I faced a deep-seated fear within me. To me, that's what life is about. You've gotta take that chance and go out on a limb. You've gotta risk getting hurt, rejected, brokenhearted.

Otherwise, how can you ever find someone who's willing to do the same for you, who's willing to stand there and be vulnerable, and tremble in your presence just like you tremble in hers, and then embrace in that special spontaneous way that says "I love you" all on its own because it's real, because you both want to just hold each other, because being close to that person means the world to you, and because if you could just stay in those arms for as long as you could, you'd rather die there in the bliss of loving idiocy than ever leave and live on. You can't. You've gotta play the game to have even the smallest chance at winning and finding love—even if it skins you alive.

And then you find someone you think you share that with and you get your heart broken, you go home and you kick yourself in the head saying "You created all of this shit—all of this one-sided shit. Thanks a lot for fucking up my feelings."

Heartbreak sucks. It just sucks and it's OK to hate the world for a while.

I don't think it's true that the heart mends, at least for me. I think once I give away my heart to someone, there's no taking it back. Once someone breaks it, there's no mending it.

There's only the incentive to grow a new one. A new one to give to a new person. The old hearts will stay with the people I gave them to. They may die. They may live. But I will live on with a new heart slowly growing. Each time I make a new heart, I think it gets a little bit bigger and stronger than the last one.

I get better at growing hearts, as it were.

I like that metaphor better than the old break/mend analogy because I think it honors the love you gave someone rather than shames you for being "stuck" or whatever. And it helps orient you (or at least me) to the future, as well as equips you with a sense that this is going to take time, and that's OK.

Remember to take care of yourself and find your own center while you're going through this. Remember that your feelings, your hopes, your needs, your dreams are important. That love that you're longing to give her—that beautiful, wonderful, tender care that you're yearning to give her—turn that around and focus it onto yourself instead. Take some time off, go somewhere you want to go, do something you've been wanting to do, buy yourself something you've wanted for a while, buy yourself flowers, red roses, a vacation. Something. Do something that you would have done to show her you love her and then do that for yourself.

Make a habit of it.

 

Plaid, what you wrote is beautiful and I especially love the last part of it! Yes, we need to remember to take care of ourselves and to love ourselves, first and foremost. We deserve it.

 

caliwoman, I'm reading your story now. Why did you cancel hanging out with her? Did you try rescheduling? Just a thought, because the woman I've been pining for did the same to me. I felt so bummed because it took all the courage I had to be able to stand asking her to hang out just us, she seemed thrilled, then canceled, never reached out to me to reschedule, and so I pulled away.

Try being vulnerable! It helps move things forward instead of backwards into the mess where it's all about trying to get control of things because both are scared of the power the other person has over you.

 

I cancelled because she controlled the friendship 100%. It was all on her terms and I didn't feel like it was fair to me. I cancelled on her and told her to just hit me up when she was ready for a traditional friendship. My intention wasn't to push her away or sound like a smart-ass, which she may have interpreted as that, but she wasn't exactly fair with me.

She did take a lot from me. She knew EVERYTHING about me in a short amount of time and I'm being very intense, but she never ends the friendship over those things. It's when I cancel on her.

I want to ask her how she's doing, but I'm too afraid. In the end, I chased her...hard. I'm not proud of how I acted then, begging and pleading. I embarrassed myself. So, I'm afraid the text really was an accident and I don't want to step on her boundaries like I did before, when I chased her.

I have a big ego, but it seems as hers is much larger, lol...because when I "come back" at a certain point, I lay everything on the line and tell her how I feel and why I cancelled on her (I don't include the sexual feelings, though). I sent the letter to another friend to proofread for me and my friend asked, "You're sending this to another woman?" and I said yes.
My friend said, "If you sent this to me, I would think you wanted a relationship with me. It sounds like you want more than a friendship with this woman. If I were you, I wouldn't send it."

I immediately disagreed with my friend, "Nooooo, that's not true. I don't want a relationshp with her!" and I sent it anyways.

So maybe she knows I wanted more with her, maybe she doesn't. I'm not really sure of anything when it comes to her. I def made things awkward. She never responded, but I know she read my emails and even continued to check out our facebook profiles, because she accidentally sent a request to my husband.

Now, this. When it comes to her, I'm so confused.

Yes, I am scared. Being vulnerable, especially with her and with what happened, is a big fear of mine.

---------- Post added 18th May 2016 at 08:27 AM ----------

Sunny,

I don't know how you do it. Dealing with the pain of the separation from the woman you love. It's indescribable...

 

Well, I text messaged her back: "How have you been?"

Let's see if she responds. :bang:

 

Not well. I'm crying my eyes out to my husband. She hasn't responded and I know she won't. She was just playing games with me. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I'm done. Women have always broken my heart.