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Anyone else not super into sex? (TMI)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cakepiecookie, May 17, 2016.

  1. cakepiecookie

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    (I'm going to cross-post this elsewhere, but I wanted to try here first so I can here from the more mature crowd.)

    I've come to the realisation that I'm not sure I'll ever want to have sex super frequently. I enjoy it once I get into it, but it's not something I seek out all that much. I never have, even when I was younger. I do have a sex drive, but initiating sex often feels like a chore at best. I can get myself off more quickly and easily than someone else can, so I feel like I kind of can't be bothered with it.

    The thing is, I've also never had a functional relationship. My husband and I always had so many emotional issues that it interfered with desire to have sex with him (though my sex drive was still there). And I've never been in a relationship with a woman, so I don't know how I'd feel about sex in that scenario. It's possible that I'd be way more enthusiastic about it in a stable gay relationship. However, my gut feeling is that I'll never be this super-sexual person.

    I do like to kiss and have affection. I'll happily go to a bar and make out with women. I do seek that out. But actual sex? Whatever. I think my ideal relationship would be one where we were both open to sex but that there was no pressure to have it on a super regular basis.

    I'm wondering whether anyone else here feels this way. I don't see myself as asexual in terms of my identity, but in practice, I'm not too far off.

    For the record, I'm not making any permanent decisions about anything. I think I need to just see how it goes once I actually find a girlfriend, because I really haven't tested the theory yet. Maybe I'll find out I'm way more sexual than I thought. I'm just generally wondering about it.
     
  2. Nickw

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    It is actually pretty helpful for me to hear this from a woman. I cannot really offer any advice except to say that your feelings are similar to my wife's. The difficulty comes with a partner who does need sex more often. That's me. So, after 3 decades of marriage, it is still an issue (our only issue really). All I can say is that you need to find someone with a similar drive, or maybe be willing to share that person if needed, or there may be significant problems in your relationship.

    FWIW, I am more interested in sex (is that really possible?) when my relationship is good. So, you may find that once you are in the right relationship this whole dynamic could change.
     
  3. OutofZCloset

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    When I was with a man I was not that interested in sex. It was ok but I never sought it out. I would actually avoid it if I could. But with women I am the complete opposite. I can't get enough of it. :slight_smile: So who knows what you'd be like with right person. You never know.
     
  4. cakepiecookie

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    Nickw - Yep, I've heard many stories of people on the other side of it and how hard it can be. I think we'd all benefit from being much more open about how much we want sex at the beginning of relationships. It seems like people don't really talk about it until long after it's become a problem.

    OutofZCloset - That's interesting to hear! I guess time will tell how it'll be for me. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Gillian

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    I'm the same. I never really felt I needed sex, but I kind of talked myself into having it casually (with men) every now and then because I guess that's what I thought one is supposed to do. In my marriage it was a big problem and ended in me forcing myself to have sex and well, that never made anyone happy.

    I don't know how it will be if and when I get into a relationship with a woman. I've slept with one and I enjoyed it a lot, it felt lot more up my street than with a man ever, but will I want it more on a regular basis.. I guess that remains to be seen.
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    It really could be that you'll find you're more interested in sex with women than men, but even if you aren't, you may just be the type that's not that into it all the time. I'm kind of the opposite. I really like having sex, I initiate it a lot of the time, and want it pretty frequently. Not in an abnormal way (I hope, haha), but I'm usually up for it. I often joke with my friend who talks about her boyfriend waking her up at 2am wanting to have sex, and she'll tell him to screw off, and that I'd be annoyed to be woken up but would probably do it. My friend is similar to your feelings, in that she enjoys sex sometimes, but could go without it for long periods and not have a problem. And I look at her like she's got ten heads.

    I agree with you that people, when first in a relationship, should be really upfront about how sexual they are. I think we try to change people. She's not that sexual? I'll make her more sexual by doing a,b,c. Often none of those things work because it's just how that person operates. Sex is really important in a relationship, whether you want someone with a high drive or not. I'm curious to know if you'd be different with a female. That would be really interesting!
     
    #6 YeahpIdk, May 17, 2016
    Last edited: May 17, 2016