This probably sounds weird to be dealing with at 32, and right now it doesn't entirely relate to my sexuality but I can tie it back...but I feel like my family tries so hard to control me. That they see things as being right and push for me to do that and only that. Right now my frustration comes from my aunt trying to talk me out of leaving my job. She has some valid points, such as how I probably shouldn't leave without having a new job lined up. But then even when I say I am applying elsewhere, she acts like this is crazy and I should just settle into working at the place we work (yes, she's been here over 30 years) and hope it lasts for life. But I don't want that. I want to move on. Find something else. She's gone as far as to offer to talk to my boss about getting me a promotion/more money. She's missing the point. And I feel like I'm being pretty clear when I say it. This does remind me of last summer, when I went to my aunts and said I don't want to get married, I want to call off my wedding, and oh yeah I'm pretty sure I'm gay. They acted supportive at first but then quickly changed that tune to try and convince me that I should go through with it. They even picked up on the wedding planning when I clearly had no interest in doing it (and was having panic attacks surrounding it). If I had just called the thing off, I wouldn't be where I'm at now, which is in arguably a much worse place with my soon to be ex and feeling behind on even figuring out my next steps. I get that they just want what's best for me, and that they've bailed me out of mistakes I've made before...but maybe I need to make some mistakes and bail myself out of them. Maybe this is why I have no idea how to stand up on my own two feet.
What you just expressed has so much to do with how you got to the point your at in life than your giving the situation credit for! Your parents and family lay the foundation for how you go about making decisions in life, how you prioritize those decisions and whether your being true to yourself. Even as you express the discussions you had with your family when you tried to call off the wedding, it does not get any clearer than that the control they try to maintain over you. A massive part of your journey is not only about recognizing whom you are, but taking control of you life. This is no easy task. I think I even recall a thread where you and I actually had a bit of an exchange on something similar (I would need to go back as I can not remember it specifically). It is great that you are coming to realize the impact the attempted control your family has had on you and the implications on your life. Continue to work through this, take control of your won life, and be yourself!
You're so right! I almost feel like this is the real challenge for me. Dating men doesn't scare me, nor does being gay in general. Heck, the one time I had some independence in my life, I was openly gay and having fun in general. I let fear of being alone let me end up in a relationship with a woman at the tail end of that year. And my aunts, who knew I was identifying as gay, told me it was the happiest day of their lives when I brought a girl home as my girlfriend. I think it also even fits in where my soon to be ex and my other ex-girlfriend have said to me that they've felt like my mother at times in our relationship, and not my partner. I'm so used to being taken care of, sometimes I really just don't know how to stand on my own two feet.
I think your family's reaction to your job, and perhaps even your marriage, is indicative of a certain mindset that predominates among us humans: fear of change — be satisfied with what you have, because what you might get could be worse. That's fine, but it's the people who take risks, who embrace change, that move things forward. As a good friend once told me, "Don't just 'settle.'"
And my family creed seems to be, "Settle! It's easier that way!" Separately, I was just talking to my cousin and heard that one of my aunts is going around basically saying that she has no plans to help me in any way with my new apartment. The thing is, I haven't asked for any help! None. Not with finding a place, nor moving. I don't want them buying me stuff for it. I want to do this on my own for once. So why even go around saying that you're not going to help me when I haven't even asked? Ugh.
This is how people try and control one another, by pulling the proverbial purse strings. Sounds like your aunt and my mother should go get a drink together and cry on each other's shoulder! This was the a huge factor in why I decided I would focus so much energy on my career - I wanted to make sure I was truly economically independent so, at some point in time, I would be able to do exactly what I did - come out to mysel, to the world, and live my life how it was intended as my gay self.
