Too many feelz

I feel emotionally terrible today. So anxious and sad and stuck. My stomach hurts. I wish Icould press pause on the world. I'm not suicidal like having a plan or something, but I can feel those thoughts on the edges of my mind. It feels like Iwant to shade my eyes from a bright light, but it's just life I'm trying to hide from.

I for damn sure hope that today isn't the session where Ihave to help my client come out. I don't think it will be. Depends on who shows up.

My brother will get here on Friday night. My parents will get here Saturday. They'll all leave Monday morning. I could handle coming out to my brother face to face, but I can't do that with mom. Can't, can't, can't. Not safe. Can't make her go away. Got to be able to hang up. Shit, Ihave to do this whole damn weekend wanting but not wanting but wanting but not wanting to come out. Damn crazy, racist family. Iwill not ruin my cousin's wedding. Iwill not ruin my cousin's wedding. I will not ruin my cousin's wedding. I will not ruin my cousin's wedding.

There are only 4 cousins in my family. As of Sunday, I'll be the last one single, and temperament wise, everyone thought I would be the first one married off. I wonder if this topic is going to come up on it's own with some really strange family member saying stupid shit. Iwill not ruin my cousin's wedding. I will not ruin my cousin's wedding. I will not come out at my cousin's wedding..... I wonder if there will be booze at the wedding. Moderate use of beer or rum could be helpful. .... If an 80yo male relative insinuates or asks something, what can I do? .... Empower myself with a plan.... Maybe therapist active listening skills plus snarky humor. "Sounds like you're real worried about me being single. What is it you're supposed to be worrying about instead?" Or my classic line, "At least Ihaven't married the wrong one yet." Or maybe just sound boring and change the subject. "You know how it is, all men are the same. How about you? What are your kids up to?"

IDK. Weddings are stupid and anxiety producing. Shit, I have to figure out what I'm wearing. ..... .... Just wear whatever Iwould wear to testify at court. Grey and navy or something. It'll be fine.

Breathe.

Maybe I do need to buy some booze for the weekend. Or at least some mixers. Maybe just beer. ... Thank god or the universe or whatever that my parents are staying at a hotel instead of my house.

Ok.... I'll probably check back in.

---------- Post added 18th May 2016 at 02:39 PM ----------

I'm back already.

I can hear my therapist in my head. (She has a mild German accent, btw, so you can totally imagine that she has that stereotypical cartoon therapist sound.) "What would it mean for you to ruin your cousin's wedding?" That I would accidentally come out at his wedding and make everyone upset. "What makes you think think you would accidentally come out? And why would that be such a bad thing?" It's in the front of my brain, and Iwant to say it but not say it. It's like when your're skiing, and you keep looking at the trees thinking, I better not ski into that tree, and you find yourself curving towards the trees. "You feel drawn to say it, because maybe you are feeling ready to come out to your family?" Yeah, I think so. "So tell me, what makes you think it would be such a bad thing, if you accidentally came out?" Then everyone would be yelling and fighting and paying attention to me. "You're worried about the family members being rude and causing a scene, and you don't want to be in the middle of a scene." Yes. "What would happen?" I think it would make my cousin and his new wife feel bad about their wedding. "You already said that your family would be racist about their wedding, because she is not white, yes?" Uh huh. "Perhaps they would welcome the distraction?" Lol, maybe. Probably not. I mean, I bet if things are calm and people are being nice, I could relax enough to not say stupid stuff. If they are being racist and terrible and I did say something stupid... Maybe it would actually be ok to shock them out of being racist for a second.... Not that I'm going to plan on it, but, maybe it woudn't be that terrible....... If my family is being shitty, Ihave several different ways to confront them to get them to stop, because I have skills to manipulate the shit out of everyone. If I pretend I'm there for my invisible client, I can probably stay calm, lol. Even if I did accidentally out myself somehow, at the wedding or just on the weekend, I probably have the skills to handle it. If anyone has the skills to handle awkward situations, manipulate the shit out of everyone using those manipulative powers for good and not for evil, it's me.

I still think waiting is a better plan, objectively. But, if Ido just blurt it out, at my house or in the car or at the wedding or whatever, I will be ok. I gots skills. I prefer the ability to hang up. But, if I don't have it, that's also fine. I would prefer people to not be giant assholes, though the likelihood of that is low. But, I have skills for handling (metaphorical) assholes. I want to do my best, but Ihave what it takes even under ideal circumstances.

---------- Post added 18th May 2016 at 02:41 PM ----------

**less than ideal circumstances.

Wonder why it won't let me edit that.

---------- Post added 18th May 2016 at 02:45 PM ----------

I want to go home and sleep. But, Idon't know how to nap. I only know how to go to bed, so Isleep for like a minimum of 4 hours. Can't do that and still make my 5pm appointment. Maybe I could message the therapist who sees the same family with me at 5 and close my eyes here at the office for a few minutes, and in case I lapse into a coma, she can check on me before the appointments....... That feels like a plan.

 

Really, that's legit. I may have to user that line.

Gazelle, I don't as much need advice as some people to just kind of be there with me, so I appreciate that. I don't think I've read much about your situation. Would you mind taking some about that here? Might help me feel not alone.

 

I spoke with the parent of my teenage bi client today. She came out to her parents after my last session with her. Ithink I made the mom nervous that I wasn't giving her all of the "correct" concervative Christian answers on that. Then they didn't bring the kids for sessions. I'm kind of heart broken that I feel like the mom is going to end this therapeutic relationship. I've been this kid's therapist for two and a half years, and I am sad for both of us to potentially lose that because of views on sexuality. And I am personally hurting because this kid is explicitly being told the EXACT things about sexuality that gave me so much shame for such a long time, hurt me in the name of God's love, kept me hiding in the closet for over a decade. It's personally triggering, but both personally and professionally it makes my heart ache. I hope the other therapist who works with this sibling group can salvage it so they don't lose us as a support for them through this.

 

I hope they have booze at the wedding! Sigh. Maybe Ishould pretend I'm sick right now and make a hot toddy. Or some kind of booze. Something.

And, Icertainly didn't sign up to work with the girl with my EXACT ISSUES as a therapy client, lol. But, you just never know what is going to come up for someone. Really, for a long time Iwondered if she were not straight, but I thought Iwas just projecting. Guess not. Really, as I've come to terms with my own sexuality in a new way since September or so, it seems like she's been following behind me, just a couple months behind. I kind of wonder if me doing my own work opened up something that helped her mind know that it was ok. Maybe narcisistic of me to think that? But I think she at least had some sense of being able to tell me because it was suddenly safe. .... ..... ..... I don't know. All kinds of relationships are messy and interconnected. And, I guess Ido that for a job. .... .... I'm very glad that the world is getting better, that she can do this much younger than I am, that things are much safer to do that.

My heart feels heavy, though.

 

Gazelle, thanks for sharing. We'll get there and figuer out the right time. I think ChikFilA should become the cool new place to come out of the closet. This chicken is great. Too bad it doesn't care about me since I love ladies. Have I mentioned before that Ilove the ladies? Anyway, I'll eat this chicken sandwich, since it hates me.

Mom is going to react badly no matter what, because she reacts badly to almost everything. "Mom, if we are all going to stay here, we are going to need to be chill and get along. It's half the size of your house, and I don't have enough bedrooms for everyone." "What do you mean be chill!?! I can handle myself!!! I'm you're mother! You don't tell me how to behave!!!"

Yuanzi, well, I mean Iknow I don't have to be sick to have a hot toddy. Grown ass woman and all that. That's just usually the occasion I make them for.

Adray, great job!!!! You're super brave!!!

I love imagining my rainbow super powers. I watched several episodes of Sailor Moon tonight, and Ican totally imagine my gay transformation sequence, lol. I appreciate you sending the rainbow unicorn my way, too.

Speaking of transformations, yesterday I kept trying to rewrite the old Transformers theme song to be about coming out Didn't make it too far. Input welcome.


Transformers /Lesbian!
More than meets the eye /___________________
Transformers /Lesbian!
Robots in disguise /Doesn't like the guys!
Transformers /Lesbian....

Autobots wage their battle /Coming out wages battle
To destroy the evil forces /to destroy the evil forces
Of the Decepticons /of Homophobia.

 

I used to see any super conincidences like the one with me and my client, especially coonicences that put me in a possition to help someone, as some kind of God thing. Right now I don't know if I even belive in a god, or if there's a god who is like the one I learned about in the past, he's kind of a douche, and I don't really want much to do with him.. But my parallell client situation feels like the kind of thing that would be higher power orchestrated..... Except that a higher power that would try to help me keep this kid out of HomoNoMo Camp is VERY different than one I have known before. It's enough to make me wonder.....

 

Oh, I have been to many tee totaler, boozeless weddings. They're extra miserable. The worst one was the day after I graduated from grad school. Ihad been wanting to drink soooo bad through the last couple weeks of school, but Iknew I straight up didn't have time to be under any kind of influence if Iwanted to complete assignments and pass my classes. Then Iwent to this baptist wedding that didn't have a dance floor OR booze!?!?! And they served this juice, like pineapple/orange/coconut, and I wanted to scream, WHY IS THERE NO RUM IN THIS!!!

Iscrewed up my schedule and don't have any clients today, just my own therapy, which Idon't leave for for a while. So, Bailey's in my coffee today! I got a couple flavors from the little mini bottle section. The chocolate cherry one is tastey, but it is vaguely reminiscent of robotussin. Looking forward to the salted caramel flavor while family is in town.

---------- Post added 19th May 2016 at 10:09 AM ----------

I want to believe in some kind of higher power or fate. But, then I think about things like confirmation bias and how it's typically adaptive for people to over-notice patterns in things, and religion makes cynical sense in that context, why so many people would blame spirits for things because they are looking for patterns. But.... Sometimes it seems like there is an unseen hand that is unrelated to economics. But.... Sometimes that seems really stupid. I don't know. I'm kind of like Mulder for religion, sort of? Maybe Mulder and Scully are having religious debates in my head. IDK. Scully's hotter, so, maybe that will affect the outcome.

 

Yaaaasss!!!! I get to be Sailor Awesomeness.

And, you know what prisms make? Rainbows.

 

My brother made it in last night at like 5am.

1) I feel happy that Igot my house a lot cleaner. Yay motivation!

2) Last night Iwas scanning my eyes around the houewondering if Ileft anything really obviously gay out. I hope this is the last time Ihave to do that.

3) Part of me has a paranoia about the unlikely event that he would snoop through drawers and what not. I mean, if he looks in my bedside table, he will find a bunch of dildos and vibrators and a copy of How To Be A Happy Lesbian. So, you know, if any of my family is sneaky, things will happen.

4) I didn't realize that he would hug me. Aparently my brother is a hug his sister kind of guy. Nice surprise?

5) Ihad totally forgotten how much my brother shaves. Consider right now that I have been experimenting with not shaving just to see what that's like, so I have hair in all the places where hair grows. My brother is really into the fitness and being able to see his muscle definition and stuff, so he does all the shaving. LIke, totally smooth legs, armpits, etc. I don't know why this is relevant to anything, but just something I forgot about my brother since Ihaven't seen him in a really long time. Or maybe last time Isaw him he was wearing pants. Cuz, funeral.

6) I might could stand to come out to my brother face to face and give him the heads up that I'll come out to my parents soon. Ibet Icould particularly manage if I drive just the two of us to the wedding.

7) But, I can never, ever, ever talk about how hot I think his wife is, lol. She is super attractive and dresses super sexy. I mean, for her bachelorette party she had pole dancing clases, and at her grandfather's graveside service she was wearing 4 inch steletos and some gorgeous hot dress. Lol, we will let that be one of those topics that everyone kind of knows is true yet no one talks about. (Is there a different acronym for nervous lol, cuz I need that twice a sentance in this paragraph.

8) I am really glad that my brother likes to play games, so we will be able to stay home and do that today.

9) I am glad my parents aren't coming in until tonight, and they are not staying at my house.

10) I feel kind of weird that my brother wants to watch some WWE cartoon today in which all the wrestling characters are at a summer camp. But, hey, we'll do that.

11) Does it count as coming out if we watch Game of Thrones together and I comment on a naked girl being super hot?

Ok. He's out of the shower. Gotta do breakfast.