Over the years, my life has really dwindled down to a near standstill. I've become quite isolated. I work from home and earn a good living, but I rarely see people in person. I don't connect with friends often and spend most of my time alone. I live in NYC and don't take advantage of any of the city's cultural offerings. Even in my career, which is the most functional area of my life, I'm starting to see the strain. I've started to lose patience in business meetings and conversations. It's a difficult effort to listen to others go on talking, when I believe I already have the answers. I've never had great skill with small talk and social graces, but now it's becoming even more difficult. I've tried to initiate some positive habits with little success. I see a trainer regularly but don't exercise on my own outside those sessions, so all I've done is maintain instead of improving. I have a therapist but all I do is go on about my confusion about being gay; again little progress. Perhaps the strangest and most disturbing symptom is my loss of inspiration and desire. Sometimes I ask myself, what could I do if I could do anything? I get nothing. No big dreams or even little ones. I get painfully jealous when I read about others' successes and rich lives, but can't even focus on describing what I would want. So I have no goals or vision in life. But I'm not suicidal, either. Just going through the motions, hoping something changes. And sexually, I'm completely turned off. I have to remind myself to masturbate occasionally. I'm on antidepressants so that could be part of it, but I don't even find myself attracted to anyone regularly. Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience. In thinking about it, the pattern I'm seeing is one of extreme emotional immaturity. Basically, anything that takes effort is almost physically painful to me -- exercise, socializing, going to cultural activities. And I let myself off the hook all the time. The rationalization is that I'm in enough pain because of my sexual identity issues and marriage crisis; it's OK to give myself a break on everything else. I'm sitting around, waiting for a miracle. I'm just starting to see this clearly now. And I'm not sure how to break out of it.
When is the last time you've left the city? It sounds like you need a road trip to some point out west!
nerdbrain, You mentioned that you're taking antidepressants. Do you feel that your mood is under control with the AD? Have you sought therapy to address the underlying rumination that's likely the cause of your depression?
Nerdbrain, I am going to state the obvious- you need to come to terms with your sexuality one way or another. Your expressing all of the trailers of depression typical with sexual confusion. What's holding you back?
I and many others have a problem with goals, first and foremost, if you fail to achieve any, it's a short skip from that to calling yourself a failure, and if you succeed at any...then what? Another goal? What you see around you is what people want you to see, what you do not see would shock you. There's a great book called Living Without a Goal, by James Ogilvy and it is precisely about our obsession with Goals (with a capital G), the grand Goals that can tyrannize our lives with impossible ideals. This is on the last page of the book, and it sums it up quite nicely: Of course, this does not mean one should not have goals, that would be silly, but consider his example of writing a book, he could constantly think of the ending and getting it done, or, he could consciously savor the moment of writing, and be fully present, in the present moment. That is what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has called being in a state of flow...which appears to be a key component of happiness. Ultimately, you also have to realize that American culture is very big on individualism, the dark side of that is that you tend to believe that if you have suffered some calamity or illness, it is all your fault, somehow. Well, no, it isn't, take a look at this clip from one of the most underrated movies of all time: My Dinner with André [YOUTUBE]LWZk24MA7TE[/YOUTUBE]
Your post inspired me to rent a cabin this weekend. Being here is definitely much needed escape. Thanks! ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 08:29 PM ---------- Yes and yes. My mood is pretty flatline these days; less of the anxiety and despair I felt before. Not feeling great or anything, just not as awful as several months ago. I have a therapist and we discuss a lot of these issues. Can't say if the rumination has lessened at all, but it's definitely something we've talked about. ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 08:33 PM ---------- The best I can say it is that I fantasize about gay sex (which presumes a man), but I'm not interested in/attracted to any real-life men to the point where I'd actually want to have sex with them. Never had a crush on a guy or fantasized about sex with a specific guy. Also, my masturbation fantasy follows a somewhat unusual pattern. I start by imagining/simulating bottoming for a guy, but eventually, in order to come, I have to turn on straight porn. ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 08:40 PM ---------- Greatwhale, as always, thanks for your input. However, my problem is not (primarily) feeling like a failure. It's a lack of direction or wanting to pursue something, which I've previously had in my life. I had career ambitions, I was attracted to women, I wanted to experience certain cultural things like art or restaurants. Now I don't care about any of these things. Those desires/goals drove me to action. Without them, I feel lost, floating in space. I can't say I'm a failure because I'm not even trying to do anything. All I seem to want to do is stay in bed.
Have you discussed how you're feeling with your therapist? What does he / she have to say about your lack if inspiration? I'm no expert, but have you considered trying different antidepressants? Maybe what you're on isn't working. When I came out three months ago I had been on antidepressants for about six months. I was certainly feeling better while on them, but what I didn't realize is the medication shot my libido all to hell. So there I was trying to tell my wife how disinterested I was in having sex with her, but was it all about my identity or was the medication partly to blame. (That's another off-topic convo I don't want to get into here). I went off the meds about three weeks into the process so I could better identify my interests. It made all the difference in the world! My sex drive has been crazy since then. Between the choice of having an active sex drive or being on anti-depressants, I find the sex drive to be much more important. On another note, I'm so glad you got out of NYC for the weekend. Hope the change of scenery did you some good.
HWG, thanks for your response. I went off my meds at the beginning of 2014 for that very reason -- I felt my sex drive dwindling. However, in my case, it turned out to be a bad idea. I started to feel a lot more anxiety and despair, and the rumination in my head was louder than it is today. How are things going with you?
Hi, I just read your post and there's a lot you said that is just like me, I could have written it myself in fact it's that similar. I'm pretty new on here so I'm unable to message you privately at the moment. I'd like to talk to you more about stuff if that's possible and you want to of course.
Sure, feel free to post on my wall. It's not totally private but hey, we're all anonymous anyway! (Click my username and go to my profile page)
Hey NB, I think you're reaching that stage when all the thoughts swirling in your mind about your sexuality are starting to seep into the other areas of your life. Maybe you could imagine this as a set of adjoining swimming pools. If you don't drain one out it starts flooding the neighbouring ones. Perhaps it's fate that you wrote this post and I saw it but I feel you could read the book "10 smart things gay men can do to find real love" by Joe Kort. If you've read it, re-read it. From having read through a few of your past posts I do know that you are psychologically almost splitting apart (love for your wife versus your orientation as a gay male) and that this is perhaps what your inner conflict centres on (again, I'm NOT a therapist). You're like me in a flaw we both share - we think at the expense of acting. We imagine, brood, ponder, mull over way, WAY too much (if you're like me you might also tend to occasionally view everything through the lens of fear - "what if someone found out?!"). And let me tell you, my friend, that the answer is pretty much girding up one's loins and living through it day by day WHILE reclaiming all the things that used to give us pleasure. NB, think of the time flying by as we worry. At the end of our lives what we're going to remember fondly are not the times we spent worrying "What if?" but the moments we took a deep breath and ventured forth to do something. We are not immortal. We will grow old and die one day. Do you want those days thinking about all the things you did not do? Or reminisce about how you slowly took charge, decided to change the course of your life, and went for it? Life will perhaps never (or rarely) have the dramatism of the turning points we see in cinema with its slow motion, its swelling symphonies, its perfect lighting and its perfect framing to cue us that a "change" is a coming. Change in real life is subtler, tougher, and more dependent on how we start going about it. The miracle you wait for will never come, paradoxically, BECAUSE you're waiting for one. A watched kettle never boils. There will never be ONE DAY that will suddenly bring with it some crystal-clear epiphany about what you need to do in life. Build your own epiphany. Realize that you owe yourself a happy, contented, successful life. Also realize that the biggest influence on having such a life is the guy staring back at you from the mirror - you. Take a trip. Disconnect from technology. Go fishing. Spend time amidst whispering trees and birdsong. Take a walk by a lake. Get away from the toxins of social media (which will inevitably breed envy and jealousy). Reconnect with an old friend. Read an old favorite book which once inspired you. Watch an old favorite movie which made you feel wonder. Listen to music which stirred something within you and made you happy. Become human again - sensitive, vulnerable, affective, and capable of feeling. And while doing so think about the life you're crafting. There is little use crying over spilt milk that's true but there's also little use trying to chart out a future to the last detail. Don't obsess about not being attracted to guys or losing interest in sex. You're going through a lot right now and that can have calamitous effects on one's libido. You and I are both emotionally immature to an extent perhaps - we run away at the whisper of approaching discomfort and we console ourselves for being SO brave for tolerating the unhappiness of our lives. But you know what, NB? We may be fooling ourselves there a bit. Yes, we should be proud of overcoming/dealing with the struggles we face as gay men who're slowly coming to terms with and exploring our sexual orientation but you know what they say, in every life some rain must fall. This is our rain, NB, that's all. Doesn't mean the clouds are not going to break apart one day. But the sooner you (pardon my language) get off your duff and start DOING things, the faster things will change. I took a year, a YEAR torturing myself by imagining reaching out to LGBT people but holding back for fear. A year full of longing, yearning, and useless fretting. And then I finally did some things. Joined a group or two. Socialized a bit. Started making gay acquaintances. Talked to a gay guy for the first time about my attraction towards other men. Sought out therapy for a while. Was it a lot of effort? You bet! I was (still am) the only Indian guy in all these gay events, and yes, I feel conspicuous at times. But that feeling soon passes when you realize that people can be so warm and so welcoming. It doesn't happen in a day. Like all human relationships it takes months (and a lot of effort on YOUR part) to start and build friendships. But then you look back and are surprised at how you worried about all the useless things! Those worst-case scenarios that never happened! Those what if's that never transpired. So, my man, my only advice is to you is one which I'm trying to live by. It's not easy but it's the one way I can at least be happy that I've done what is in power to help my gay self: Find and do real-life stuff which makes you happy - as a gay man and as just another man. No one is ever going to do it for you or bring it to you on a plate. Just Do It.
Closeteer, Thanks so much for your post. Just what I needed to hear this morning. It's very true that there's nothing holding me back but me. I've had every advantage and every opportunity in life, and let so much of that pass me by. I am finished playing the victim. I'm working on a new approach to life. I will keep you posted.
Hey Nerdbrain I read Closeteer's post and agreed. I noticed you took inspiration from that. Yet, in an adjacent thread you were asking about other books on being a gay man. I think a lot of us, me included, need to have some sort of an academic reason to feel the way we do. We search for the expert to direct us. i don't think it works this way with our sexuality. Maybe it is not about getting fired up and "being gay". Maybe it is about reflection and "feeling gay". Maybe you are something in between and you are not going to fit any experts definition...that is O.K. You do not have to live to a "definition". Today I am feeling philosophical and maybe projecting a bit here.
Well my intention was to find books more as a kind of inspiration or connection, i.e., fiction and not a how-to or self help.
NB - your story reminds me of Byron Katie, the widely known self help teacher. She used to live in a half way house in Bakersfield, and for a while groveled on the floor... until she started doing some inquiry, about what was up with herself. Inquiry is looking within, at what the voices are, what's going on in your head. It's good to write it down, like a diary every day. It's talking to yourself, and seeing what the answers are. Your inquiry could be: - what are the messages in bottoming and then watching straight porn? - say more about "not caring about anything" - what are the feelings associated with "lost, floating in space?" My intuition having sex with another guy might be good for you! Go online... some intense physical sexual contact could be good, to get you out of your funk. Of course changing meds can also help. Good luck...
